Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Bleak Was the

   Fear, doubt, and the muffled whispers in my head. Insecurities, a nomadic mind that wanders to the deepest and darkest places, and a fear of looking in the mirror. Her reflection showed a girl so afraid and disgusted by her own shadow. She felt unworthy to be in anyone’s presence. If someone was to get close to her she would question their motives, and although they came with care and love in their hearts,  she refused to believe it. 
I saw myself as a walking vacuum that sucked joy and comfort out of those I encounter. I saw myself as depressed, mentally unstable, dirty, and of lesser value than every one around me. I felt my nature was to ruin and complicate the lives of the braves souls who wanted to be near me. God blessed me with a handful of people who were determined to break through the fortress I built around myself. With each break, I fought back. No one could see the real me; it was protection for them, but in a way I was protecting myself. 
You say there’s a light in me. You say you see goodness in my smile. I say you must open your eyes, because clearly you are viewing a persona I have created. You smile with love and light; you won’t give up. So, I begin to open up, and my frail skin is finally exposed to the sun’s warming rays. This happiness is foreign; therefore, it must be a trick. The inevitable is coming, so I might as well have the last laugh. As if someone has flipped a switch, my disposition immediately changes. I don’t want to pull away from you. I want you to love me. I want you to fix me. Please fix me.  The dam is broken and my heart spills out in desperate screams. The flood is too much to handle, and my subconscious has won again. I have pushed them out of my life. As they run away, they take with them a precious piece of this broken heart. I don’t know what is harder: building up my fortress or tearing down its walls.
Those self-inflicted labels became my identity. I took pity with me as I crawled through life. However, something truly miraculous happened. When I accepted Jesus into my life, the old me had died. 

2 Corinthians 5:16-18New International Version (NIV)
16 So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:[a] The old has gone, the new is here! 18 All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.

The insecure girl was buried with Christ, and when He rose from the dead, so did my true spirt. I don’t have to feel inadequate anymore. I am now a warrior. I am now God’s princess. I am now a total badass. I have dark times like this bleak night when the creatures whisper in my ear and begin to fill my atmosphere with black smog. I begin to slowly fall back into my old ways, and the bricks begin to stack, but then I feel a light grow inside me. As it swells, the light blows the bricks to pieces. I am Kaitlin who shines without the clouds of her past suffocating her. He never lets me forget that!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Unfathomable Beauty

I sit here in awe of Jesus. Two years ago I thought I accepted Jesus Christ, and while I allowed Him to dabble in my heart, anger would soon push Him out. I held malice in my heart, and I turned my back on God. I screamed at God, I hated His word, I didn't understand His son, I cut my wrists, and I abused my medicine. I felt as if He abandon me and left me to rot in this place of suffering.
       As I clawed my way out from underneath the shadows of my past I felt a piece of my soul missing. I "crossed the finish line, so to speak. Shouldn't I feel victorious? Instead, I felt depressed and painstakingly lonely. The cancer of the past was finally cut out, but now I was left with a inflamed and aching hole. A hole that would soon puss up and consume itself. As the winds of life blew through my soul, it would smash into my sides, and my soul would cry out in pain. My only refuge was the idea of a boyfriend. Someone to hold me at night. I needed a set of loving arms to engulf me as the pain melted away. Not only did I long for it, I felt as if I needed it. The desire grew to great and drove my to a place of nomadic ways. I found myself searching, and each time I caught a glimpse of the light the bitter wind knocked me down.
     I gave my heart to these supposed knights. Each time I was rejected and walls fortified around me. I became closed off to life and numb to the world. I felt as if I couldn't breath unless he was by my side. As the summer days dragged on my harden heart still yearned. As the sun warmed my skin I feel into  my final trap. I was venerably exposed to the one I thought would take away my pain. In the matter of five hours I had given my restless heart away. As the night crept forward I could feel my insides slowly dying. Once again the dagger was driven through my heart.
    I ran away as fast as my little feet could take me. I collapsed on a bench and wept uncontrollably. I realized in that moment: I would never fall into a guy's arms until I fell into Jesus's loving arms. "How could He do this to me?" "How could I ever love someone who turned their back on me?" I sat there and thought of my previous relationship with Jesus. I tried so hard. I was a good little girl who rose with the sun and read my Bible. I went to church, and I went to Bible study. I sat and listening for Your voice, but all I could hear was the harsh wind impale my door. Never again would I be tricked by You.
       I woke up the next morning in physical pain; however, this pain was no where near the pain I felt inside. I felt my heart had officially died. I sat in silence and came to a devastating realization: I never truly accepted Jesus into my heart. I went through the steps, but I didn't truly give myself away. Because of the abuse I suffered, I wasn't prepared to give up any control I had. I needed to be control. I couldn't be submissive to Jesus. I felt like this was the end for me. I would never experience happiness.
     I reached out to him. We sat on a park bench. I was looking into the face of a young man who was glowing with Jesus's love. He smiled with radiance and cared without end. In that summer hour I finally gave my life to Jesus. As he was praying I felt Jesus pull at my heart. Sin filled my every pore, and tears began to fall from me. I had hurt God so badly. Every night after the abuse I would lie in bed crying. God sat by my bedside and stroke my hair. He cried for the suffering I was experiencing. The evils of this world stole my innocence and broke my heart. I was His little girl, but then I turned my back on Him. I used His name in vain and sliced His masterpiece. I starved, hated, and cut the beautiful girl He created. I cried out in pain and repentance. 
     So now I sit in true awe. Jesus brought this guy into my life to break my heart, but he knew this guy was His follower. He spoke through him and he lead me to accepting Jesus.