Thursday, November 28, 2013

Depressed Girls Do it Best

The mirror can be a scary thing. It's the truth we shun day in and day out. God is my mirror. Never does he bullshit me. He is 100% real; however, it doesn't mean I like my reflection.
       Depression distorts our view. If I could I would slug around the house with an army of blankets at hand and cover every last mirror. I hate who I have become. So strong I was, now so meek and mild. Worn out and sick of fighting. I guess we go through seasons of our lives and the sun has set on mine. Eager for it's return I wait. Clawing my way out of my past I look forward to my future. Light is blurred by the past and dream begins to dim. All I wanted to do was to be light and free. I wanted my soul to shine so brightly that light was provided for those around me.
        It's scary(this thing we call depression). Some believe in it while others are skeptics. Whether you believe or not, whether you take meds or not, whether you cut, drink, smoke, eat or whatever you do to escape the pain is real. You may not label it the way I do, but we depressed people wake up with the same feeling. It's as if someone is constantly pushing on our shoulders. Although the force may be lighter on some days then others, constantly supporting yourself can be tiring. I know I'm exhausted. I know I can no longer find the energy to smile and laugh. In all honesty, I'm pissed at God. Why is this taking so long? Why are you ignoring my prayers? Are you too good for me? Please Jesus I need you.
       You can't take on depression by yourself. That wall, that weight pressing on your being is strong. Alone you will crumble, but the loving and supportive hands of those around you victory is possible. Yes, I am fuming at this all too mighty King that is Jesus, but I know He is holding me though I cannot feel it. So as it was 6 months ago, the lights have dimmed and the darkness creeps in. The winter has arrived and I've seemed to be caught off guard. My pride has been thrown away. I need help and will accepting incoming support. God knows I need it.