Thursday, August 1, 2013

My Last Blog Post; Thanks For Everything

There are some people who read my blog on the daily. And then they're some who just started or who read spastically. No matter when you matter thank you for taking this journey with me. I started blogging on February 24, 2013 and it is now August 2, 2013 and I will be signing out and moving on. It has been a crazy ride with more downs then ups. I have been interviewed by child services, I have been threatened for making this blog, I have been in the hospital for being suicidal, I've cut, I've cried but I am ready to move on.
I started as the girl with a laundry list of mental illnesses. Through time away from my father and intense therapy my illnesses were caused by the abuse and trauma I went through. I have been raped and ostratcized from my father's side of the family. Child services has taken this to a prosecutor and I wanted to take it to court. I wanted to see my father in jail. It's not fair a rapist should be walking around free and possibly hurting other people. It's not fair court can decide whether or not my truth and pain is "true enough". I was 5 and it stopped when I was 11. I didn't have a voice. I was the girl who cried alone while no one cared. I am dropping the case and sleeping well at night knowing God is the ultimate judge. My father's family might not believe me along with people who think this is all an act for attention but at the end of the day I know my truth.
People see me as a rape victim who is weak and weird. I started to believe them but not any more. My past doesn't define me but rather His love defines me. I am God's princess. I am done feeling sorry for myself, calling myself a loser, trying to loose weight to fit in, using this as an excuse, and crying in my room alone. The real Kait is fun, outgoing, goofy, smiley, beautiful, God loving, and has the world in her hands.
I hope through this blog I empowered at least one person to speak up against their abuse. I hope I comforted one person by letting them know they weren't alone. That was the original goal of this blog and although it became muddled along the way it stands true. I have learned so much and grown with God more then I ever thought. Never would I have thought this would be my life but I would not change a thing because it has made me the person I am today. This suffering brought me closer to my best friend and main man, Jesus. Who knows what the future holds but I know it will be damn good because God has a grand plan for me. All of this is in the past and it is time I move on. I am Kait and I am now longer a victim of rape but a survivor. Thanks for taking this journey with me and supporting me. It's been real

How This Blog Started & How I've Suffered Because Of It

I don't know who is reading and how many people actually read this. There are times when I feel I'm just talking to myself. I started this all for a reason. God pulled me to this, I took it, and ran. I don't blog for attention. I don't blog for people to feel bad for me. The one and only reason I do it is for people to know they aren't alone in mental illness, loneliness, and/or abuse.
This is has been really hard. Sharing my journey hasn't been easy. Because my life is on black and white for the whole world to see I'm judge. I'm "that girl" at highschool. I'm the girl that people whisper about as I walk by. People avoid me and I've been left with little to no friends in all honesty. I didn't choose to have this life. I didn't choose to be abused by my father yet everyone acts as if its my fault. High school has been hell. 
I blog because when I was from the age of 5-11 I was sexual abused and raped. While it was going on my mom was out of town. While it was going on my either turned his head along with the rest of my family. Fast forward to now they still turn their head. I never had a voice. I finally am standing up and speaking out. The reason I write is to allow others to speak out as well. I want to let anyone who is reading this, if anyone is, that you aren't alone, you're not a freak, and it isn't your fault. I hope me writing gives you the courage to have a voice as well.