Thursday, July 4, 2013

When You Feel Like A Freak & No One Understands

The struggles I've dealt with: As a child no one ever paid attention to me. I didn't haves many friends, but most importantly I didn't receive attention from my family. Because my father got fired my mom was forced to work all the time to keep us a float. My father went out all the time and when he was home he was abuse me. My bother didn't know how to deal with the chaos so he said very little to me. It was if I had this deadly disease and no one wanted to be around it, or really me for the case. Then I grew up and jumped from school to school. I finally settled at my highschool which was my third school. High school is all about "fitting in" and being "normal". Nothing about me was normal. 

While girls were prancing around at football games I was having a panic attack and crying on my floor. While kids were going to school I stayed home because I couldn't get off the floor. I wasn't like anyone, I'm still not, and I never will be. Honestly this used to make me so depressed. I'd see teenagers hanging out with their friends and I thought I was never going to be like them. All these girls look so happy and I'm glad for them but I feel like a freak. Unfortunately a lot of people are judgmental and also see me that way. When you've been sexual abused you feel so dirty and you feel like everyone can see. You feel like you've got a big sign on your head saying "I'm a freak" and everyone steers clear of you. Also having a mental illness of any sort makes you feel different and a freak. People don't understand and are closed minded. God will send people in your life who do and will support you. 

I'm going through al lot right now. Because I was ignored as a child and couldn't express my feeling at 5,6,7,8,9 or 10 I am expressing them now and it's creating many fights. Because my mom was always at work I'm acting very immature right now and want her by side a lot of the time. I'm scared to be alone. Also I have anger towards her I never express. The immature side feels she deserves it but the 15 year old me knows she doesn't and because my father doesn't have a job for some time she was forced to support us. Because my father sexually abused me they are things I do differently then "normal" teenagers. Right now I don't have a boyfriend, I spend a lot of time alone thinking, I got to therapy twice a week, I've lost a lot of friends, and I don't like to be exposed. Whether you've had a rough past or have depression, bipolar, or anxiety you're fragile. People around you need to open their damn mind, stop being judgement all, and be understanding. 

Sometimes I'm happy while other days I'm bawling. I've had a hard life and working through things. I'm so blessed to have a mom whose been so supportive and understanding. She doesn't deserve any of my anger that should be addresses to my father. I'm so sorry I've been a pain and a bad daughter. I'm trying so hard. So my advice. You could be in any mood at all and God lives you no matter what. Instead of sharing your feeling on twitter talk to God then to someone else. Abuse, neglect, family issues, mental illnesses. They are all so confusing so when talking to someone you'll be all over the place and say things you don't mean. Calm down and just go off when talking to god. He can take it and will calm you down. 

People need to understand there's no "normal". It's a false persona. We all go through things. People need to learn not to judge and love everyone. If you're going through something I'm always here for you and ill be your friend. Don't feel like a freak. This is you and this is the life you're given. Know God is the ultimate friend who never judges. Take time to grieve and think but also take time to enjoy life. I have my days where I cry and cry but I also have my days where I'my crazy fun self. People need to learn to accept all sides of each other. God loves you for YOU and ALL parts of you and so do I. There's no normal therefore there is no such thing as a freak! Werk America and let your freak flag fly!! 

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