Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Story Of A Girl She Thought No One Loved

People see me and all they can see if a bright smile. Unfortunately, it wasn't always this way. I am Kaitlin Kwiatkowski and this is my story.
I grew up in a home where no one ever paid attention to me nor cared. My mom was a workaholic due to my father's lack of a steady job. This was followed by my brother who escaped the hell of the Kwiatkowski house by never being home. That left my father and little 5 year old me home alone. Through flashbacks and panic attacks I remembered my dark past which was buried away so deep it was never to be found. From the age of 5-12 I was sexually abused. On top of many gross memories of my father the worst is this. I remember maybe 2 months ago that I was raped. This happened for years and not only that but it was often. So while little Kaitlin was being raped and crying for help no one came to her rescue. I thought I was unlovable and most people agreed.
Fast forward a few years and now I am 14. My parents are divorced, I am seeing my father for who he truly is, I have lost half of my family due to them taking my father's side, I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and post traumatic stress syndrome, and finally I am hanging on by a thread. I was so empty and so broken I ran to the one place where it felt comfortable. I ran to a boy.
I knew Jesus as of last summer and I started a relationship with Him but I was only playing the "christian role". I was really focusing all my energy into this guy. He became my world and I fell head over heels. I was shocked that someone could actually like me. What was more important to me was that this someone was a guy. I craved guys acceptance and affection due to the lack of a real father. I turned to the wrong place and ended up hurting myself and him. A 16 year old guy can't deal with me. I was too much of an imperfect mess for him and he turned his back on me when I needed him the most. I over reacted and I feel awful because I made his life a living hell. All I wanted was for someone to love every side of me and never abandon me. My best friend, the guy who was my world not only left me but hated me. Once again I was alone.
When things got extremely bad I remember that I started a relationship with Christ so I turned to Him. This past 2 months I have been put through hell. I was failing as a daughter and a friend. I was in so much pain that I lost myself. People became fed up and left. I was once and for all alone. No one understood nor wanted to understand. I needed so desperately needed someone to understand me, know everything, yet still love me. I couldn't find that in anyone. Not my mom, ex, or best friend. My mom and friend loved me but got frustrated and didn't understand. I spent my days feeling like a freak. Who could ever love someone who has been raped BY HER OWN FATHER. I felt disgusting, impure, and alone. I thought maybe I was just a freak and that no one would ever love me. If my own father doesn't love me then how can anyone else?
Now throughout the year I had gotten close to Jesus Christ but honestly these past two months I have fully given my heart, life, and all of my being to Him. I realized He would never leave. When no one else loved this little freak Jesus did. When I felt like dirt at the bottom of everyone's shoes He saw me as His everything. I was His world. Finally someone knew everything about me inside and out; also, He understood my mind, heart, and soul yet He still loved me. He loved the dark and bright parts of me. While there are still days like today where my past haunts me and Satan whispers in my ear, "No one loves you. You could have stopped him but you didn't. You're disgusting and deserve all of this. You're a freak and everyone can see" i don't lose hope. I sit there shaking feeling out of control and whisper back to Satan the name of My Savior. Jesus swoops me up and I can actually feel His arms around me.
My past doesn't define me but rather Jesus' love for me. The smile on my face is now genuine. I have my moments but life is beautiful. I no longer have to fight alone with the fear of losing. I have Jesus on my side and He has already won. He beat death and took my sins with Him. This world is temporary. While I am here I will not focus on the sins of others but bettering my relationship with God. Through this I found my purpose. I will start a charity and let every child know how loved they are by someone who died for them. Jesus' love has saved me and I celebrate because of that.

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