Monday, July 22, 2013

Hope>Depression & My Past

Depression has creeped up on me and I can feel it slowly surround and suffocate me. Some of the most important people in my life are moving. I feel invisible to everyone around and as if I don't matter. This past week and a half I have spent countless nights awake and upset. It feels like there is a ton of bricks weighing me down and I am losing to strength to fight.
I have learned the hard way that life is a journey and not a destination. It comes with ups and downs. I guess right now I am experiencing a down period. Something I will never forget: Someone told me I am making a mockery of depression and how pathetic I am because I am putting on this show. It didn't bother me because at the end of the day God and I know the horrors I have been through and the pain I have felt. Depression is cancer of the mind. It is a disease that you can't be blamed for. No matter what people say ground yourself. You know what's real. We need to support each other because this life isn't easy but there is hope and joy, but you have to go looking for it.
Today was another awful flashback. I was raped multiple times. My brain did a pretty solid job on blocking things out but when God feels I am strong enough He gives me a little piece of that memory back. Today was rough to say the least. I may feel like I am invisible and alone most of the time but that isn't the case. What I am going through is hell but God is more powerful then my problems. He is the ultimate best friend and with Him all things are possible. If I would have had my recent flashback a few months ago I would have killed myself. I am still in a lot of pain but with Jesus it's manageable.
I don't know what other people situations are but I know one thing for sure; that is, Jesus loves you and I more then we will ever understand! I am not invisible but rather His world. I am His princess. I am not that weird depressed girl who was raped by her own father. No, I am a strong, beautiful, and kick ass young women who is God's princess.

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