Monday, July 29, 2013

Life Is Beautiful Despite Your Situation

  Despite the pain you may be expericing life is beautiful; however, you have to choose to see it that way. Trust me this isn't easy. I have a laundry list of things that could break a person. I have every single reason and right to become an introvert and shut out the world. I could lose myself as a person and hide in a corner where I would forever remain. I will be honest life can get rough and comes with many storms but believe when I say there's hope. The smile on my face used to be fake. I wanted people to believe I was happy and perfect meanwhile I had a war in my mind. I hid the pain from my ex boyfriend, friends, and family. I was dealing with the rape I expeireicned, all of my father's abuse, an eating disorder, depression, aniexity, and suicide. All I could see was darkness. All of the sudden a burst of light came into my life. That light was named Jesus.
  He really is the ultimate best friend! He is happiness and that is a guraentee. With Him your insecurities vanish. I learned, and this is true for everybody, that I am His masterpiece. He took specicfic time to make me. He is so proud of His creation; therefor, we should  celebrate our bodies rather then trash then and strave ourselves. Girl, most of us are insecure why? You meet a curvy girl, get to know her, and reazlie it doesn't matter what's on the outside but rather the work Jesus does in our hearts. We are all beautiful because we are His masterpiece. After learnig this my eating disorder vanished and I love my buddah(aka my stomach that's not flat).
  Also, when learnig more about Jesus and becoming closer to him fear's grip on you dissapates and your worries vanish. I have no idea what will happen with my father, my bestfriend living in another state, or my future. Although I have no idea I don't fear the unknown. The creator of the universe has a plan specially for you. You're His princess why would he want anything bad for you.
   Finally, this pain and this life is temporary. If you confess your sins, want a relationship with Jesus, and give Him you're broken stained heart He will morph it into something beautiful. If that isn't enough when you die you get to join your best friend, Jesus, in a place called Heaven. Heaven it's pure bliss where everyone gets along, there is no sin, and joy is all you feel. Storms pass but know Jesus is holding your hand through it all. Knowing all of this I can't help but smile and this time It's genuine.
                                                                     To whom ever is reading this know I love you!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

My Past Doesn't Define Me

Dirty. You can ask any sexual abuse victim how they feel and most likely that will be their answer. Even though you are a victim there is Satan who whispers into your ear and convinces you it's your fault. He tells you that you asked for it and you wanted it. You are so lost that you believe it. It makes it all the more worse when it was someone you were close with or a relative. It has taken me some time but I am slowly starting to realize it wasn't my fault. I was only 6. I was a child.
I pray there are little to know people who can relate to my pain but unfortunately there are quite a bit. Even if you haven't been sexually abused we all still have a dark past or skeletons in our closets. Whether they're things we've done or things that we've had done to us we still feel embarssesment and guilt. What if someone found out? What if someone acually knew everything there was to know about you. I bet you think they would run away as far as possible. Well, you are wrong and so was I.
There was a man named Jesus. He knew everything about you, inside and out, and yet He still loved and continues to love you. He loved you so much that He died for you. When you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior you become a new creation.
2 Corinthians 5:17-New Living Translation (NLT)
17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
Your sins and past will be wiped clean. My past is gone.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Hope>Depression & My Past

Depression has creeped up on me and I can feel it slowly surround and suffocate me. Some of the most important people in my life are moving. I feel invisible to everyone around and as if I don't matter. This past week and a half I have spent countless nights awake and upset. It feels like there is a ton of bricks weighing me down and I am losing to strength to fight.
I have learned the hard way that life is a journey and not a destination. It comes with ups and downs. I guess right now I am experiencing a down period. Something I will never forget: Someone told me I am making a mockery of depression and how pathetic I am because I am putting on this show. It didn't bother me because at the end of the day God and I know the horrors I have been through and the pain I have felt. Depression is cancer of the mind. It is a disease that you can't be blamed for. No matter what people say ground yourself. You know what's real. We need to support each other because this life isn't easy but there is hope and joy, but you have to go looking for it.
Today was another awful flashback. I was raped multiple times. My brain did a pretty solid job on blocking things out but when God feels I am strong enough He gives me a little piece of that memory back. Today was rough to say the least. I may feel like I am invisible and alone most of the time but that isn't the case. What I am going through is hell but God is more powerful then my problems. He is the ultimate best friend and with Him all things are possible. If I would have had my recent flashback a few months ago I would have killed myself. I am still in a lot of pain but with Jesus it's manageable.
I don't know what other people situations are but I know one thing for sure; that is, Jesus loves you and I more then we will ever understand! I am not invisible but rather His world. I am His princess. I am not that weird depressed girl who was raped by her own father. No, I am a strong, beautiful, and kick ass young women who is God's princess.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Loneliness: A Feeling We All Experience

People come and go. Relationships rust, spoil, and fade. The only relationship that can withstand anything and is always there is Jesus. With everything I am going through I have lost a lot of friends. People are scared to talk to me because they don't know what to say. Also with my mom back at work I spend most of my days alone, and while normally this would upset me it doesn't. Since I have became closer with Jesus I realize He is my ultimate best friend.
During quiet time today I was extremely upset. I woke up upset and it became works as the hours passed. I recently got back from Young life camp where everything was safe. During that week I wasn't in the reality of this broken world. I was surrounded by people I loved and we were all striving for a better relationship with Jesus. I didn't have my phone and I escaped all my problems. I just got back a few days ago and I was thrown into my shattered reality. The truth that my best friend was moving, I spent my days alone, my broken past, and my broken family. During my quiet time no joke I was running on and on praying and making no sense. I heard Jesus tell me to stop and open the Bible. He told me to go to Isaiah 43:5. The verse said this,"Do not be afraid for I am with you. I will gather you and your children from the East and west." Like WOW!
I felt the verse speaking to me in such a way of comfort. Yes, I might be low on friends, family, and support but I am NOT low on Jesus. My fear of loneliness is irrational. Jesus will provide. Even though my best friend, sister, and angle is leaving doesn't mean that's the end of our friendship. I know we will go through ups and downs and soon I will be out in New York City with her. I will be in the audience holding up a huge sign during her concert that says,"Number One Fan". I kid you not. Also, I have met some of the most amazing young women at camp that I am excited to grow closer to. Jesus is awesome and works in mysterious ways which I will never understand. I will cast out my fears and replace them with faith. Jesus you're THE man and my man. Thank you.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Story Of A Girl She Thought No One Loved

People see me and all they can see if a bright smile. Unfortunately, it wasn't always this way. I am Kaitlin Kwiatkowski and this is my story.
I grew up in a home where no one ever paid attention to me nor cared. My mom was a workaholic due to my father's lack of a steady job. This was followed by my brother who escaped the hell of the Kwiatkowski house by never being home. That left my father and little 5 year old me home alone. Through flashbacks and panic attacks I remembered my dark past which was buried away so deep it was never to be found. From the age of 5-12 I was sexually abused. On top of many gross memories of my father the worst is this. I remember maybe 2 months ago that I was raped. This happened for years and not only that but it was often. So while little Kaitlin was being raped and crying for help no one came to her rescue. I thought I was unlovable and most people agreed.
Fast forward a few years and now I am 14. My parents are divorced, I am seeing my father for who he truly is, I have lost half of my family due to them taking my father's side, I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and post traumatic stress syndrome, and finally I am hanging on by a thread. I was so empty and so broken I ran to the one place where it felt comfortable. I ran to a boy.
I knew Jesus as of last summer and I started a relationship with Him but I was only playing the "christian role". I was really focusing all my energy into this guy. He became my world and I fell head over heels. I was shocked that someone could actually like me. What was more important to me was that this someone was a guy. I craved guys acceptance and affection due to the lack of a real father. I turned to the wrong place and ended up hurting myself and him. A 16 year old guy can't deal with me. I was too much of an imperfect mess for him and he turned his back on me when I needed him the most. I over reacted and I feel awful because I made his life a living hell. All I wanted was for someone to love every side of me and never abandon me. My best friend, the guy who was my world not only left me but hated me. Once again I was alone.
When things got extremely bad I remember that I started a relationship with Christ so I turned to Him. This past 2 months I have been put through hell. I was failing as a daughter and a friend. I was in so much pain that I lost myself. People became fed up and left. I was once and for all alone. No one understood nor wanted to understand. I needed so desperately needed someone to understand me, know everything, yet still love me. I couldn't find that in anyone. Not my mom, ex, or best friend. My mom and friend loved me but got frustrated and didn't understand. I spent my days feeling like a freak. Who could ever love someone who has been raped BY HER OWN FATHER. I felt disgusting, impure, and alone. I thought maybe I was just a freak and that no one would ever love me. If my own father doesn't love me then how can anyone else?
Now throughout the year I had gotten close to Jesus Christ but honestly these past two months I have fully given my heart, life, and all of my being to Him. I realized He would never leave. When no one else loved this little freak Jesus did. When I felt like dirt at the bottom of everyone's shoes He saw me as His everything. I was His world. Finally someone knew everything about me inside and out; also, He understood my mind, heart, and soul yet He still loved me. He loved the dark and bright parts of me. While there are still days like today where my past haunts me and Satan whispers in my ear, "No one loves you. You could have stopped him but you didn't. You're disgusting and deserve all of this. You're a freak and everyone can see" i don't lose hope. I sit there shaking feeling out of control and whisper back to Satan the name of My Savior. Jesus swoops me up and I can actually feel His arms around me.
My past doesn't define me but rather Jesus' love for me. The smile on my face is now genuine. I have my moments but life is beautiful. I no longer have to fight alone with the fear of losing. I have Jesus on my side and He has already won. He beat death and took my sins with Him. This world is temporary. While I am here I will not focus on the sins of others but bettering my relationship with God. Through this I found my purpose. I will start a charity and let every child know how loved they are by someone who died for them. Jesus' love has saved me and I celebrate because of that.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

When You Feel Like A Freak & No One Understands

The struggles I've dealt with: As a child no one ever paid attention to me. I didn't haves many friends, but most importantly I didn't receive attention from my family. Because my father got fired my mom was forced to work all the time to keep us a float. My father went out all the time and when he was home he was abuse me. My bother didn't know how to deal with the chaos so he said very little to me. It was if I had this deadly disease and no one wanted to be around it, or really me for the case. Then I grew up and jumped from school to school. I finally settled at my highschool which was my third school. High school is all about "fitting in" and being "normal". Nothing about me was normal. 

While girls were prancing around at football games I was having a panic attack and crying on my floor. While kids were going to school I stayed home because I couldn't get off the floor. I wasn't like anyone, I'm still not, and I never will be. Honestly this used to make me so depressed. I'd see teenagers hanging out with their friends and I thought I was never going to be like them. All these girls look so happy and I'm glad for them but I feel like a freak. Unfortunately a lot of people are judgmental and also see me that way. When you've been sexual abused you feel so dirty and you feel like everyone can see. You feel like you've got a big sign on your head saying "I'm a freak" and everyone steers clear of you. Also having a mental illness of any sort makes you feel different and a freak. People don't understand and are closed minded. God will send people in your life who do and will support you. 

I'm going through al lot right now. Because I was ignored as a child and couldn't express my feeling at 5,6,7,8,9 or 10 I am expressing them now and it's creating many fights. Because my mom was always at work I'm acting very immature right now and want her by side a lot of the time. I'm scared to be alone. Also I have anger towards her I never express. The immature side feels she deserves it but the 15 year old me knows she doesn't and because my father doesn't have a job for some time she was forced to support us. Because my father sexually abused me they are things I do differently then "normal" teenagers. Right now I don't have a boyfriend, I spend a lot of time alone thinking, I got to therapy twice a week, I've lost a lot of friends, and I don't like to be exposed. Whether you've had a rough past or have depression, bipolar, or anxiety you're fragile. People around you need to open their damn mind, stop being judgement all, and be understanding. 

Sometimes I'm happy while other days I'm bawling. I've had a hard life and working through things. I'm so blessed to have a mom whose been so supportive and understanding. She doesn't deserve any of my anger that should be addresses to my father. I'm so sorry I've been a pain and a bad daughter. I'm trying so hard. So my advice. You could be in any mood at all and God lives you no matter what. Instead of sharing your feeling on twitter talk to God then to someone else. Abuse, neglect, family issues, mental illnesses. They are all so confusing so when talking to someone you'll be all over the place and say things you don't mean. Calm down and just go off when talking to god. He can take it and will calm you down. 

People need to understand there's no "normal". It's a false persona. We all go through things. People need to learn not to judge and love everyone. If you're going through something I'm always here for you and ill be your friend. Don't feel like a freak. This is you and this is the life you're given. Know God is the ultimate friend who never judges. Take time to grieve and think but also take time to enjoy life. I have my days where I cry and cry but I also have my days where I'my crazy fun self. People need to learn to accept all sides of each other. God loves you for YOU and ALL parts of you and so do I. There's no normal therefore there is no such thing as a freak! Werk America and let your freak flag fly!!