Saturday, June 1, 2013

When You Just Want To Give Up

If you're anything like me and have similar issues as I do we are asking ourselves the same question, "How in the hell did I get here?" My life was completely different a year ago. All in one year I was hit with depression, aniexty, suicidal thoughts, a broken, family, realizing abuse, a broken relationship with more then half of my family, and all the awful mess I'm going through right now. I can easily say this past couple of months have and will be the hardest time of my life. I don't share what is going on right now  with many people but what I will say is its brutal. It keeps me up at night, it causes too many tears, it robs me of my care free smile, and weighs heavy on my heart.
To be honest sometimes I want a normal family. I want a father who will love me. I wish when my mom and I get in fights I could have a dad to talk to and help me through this. I don't. What really sucks is I miss my father when I never really had one. He never loved me. He took advantage of me. He now hates me and will do whatever to hurt me. He sent a private investigator to embarrass and adtimidate me so I will take down this blog. He wants me to pay for speaking up and finally having a voice. He went to my ex-boyfriends house just to embarrass me.

One day all of this will be over but I will still be left with depression and the memories. Every now and then those dark thoughts will creep into my head. Most importantly I will be left with half a family which I am grateful for but to have the other half of your family be discusted by you hurts. My own aunt who was like a mother to me has avoided me. I don't see my cousin anymore and most of all my own brother is going off into the world and I am afraid I have lost him forever. You know with everything happening to me right it could push anyone to suicide. I don't feel like killing myself but rather give up. You know the feeling where you want to crawl in a ball and stay there forever. Well you aren't alone in these feelings:
-being rejected by friends
-being rejected by someone you love
-feeling alone in a crowded room
-being abused(in any type of way)
- having a family member look at you in the eye and you can see their hate for you
-trying to commit suicide
-cutting
-never feeling good enough
-being desperate for a guys approval because you hate yourself
-having an eating disorder
-having to deal with the police showing up at your house

I mean the list for me and I bet some of you goes on and on. I know when people see me they would never know I have gone through all of this by the smile on my face. I get asked all the time how I still smile. My answer is short and sweet, "It's all because of God." So things are truly hell right now. They will be over and when the storm passes I will be so strong and ready to take on the world. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I now have a purpose, a story to tell, a passion to help others, and a relationship with God. Also Inwas abuse and taken advantage of beyond belief.  Yes what he did I will never fully understand and I do feel dirty and unwanted sometimes but Gods loving thoughts of me out number the grains of sand on this Earth and nothing will take that away. You know things are hard. Life is hard. Problems are piling on top of you and you feel like you're going to break. Just give it up to God. There is no wound God cannot heal. Hope is one of the most powerful things. You can choose happiness. Have faith in God that pain has purpose. Most people are fake and lost. Friends will change and leave your side but God won't. He isn't that friend who one day stabbed you in the back. He isn't that ex boyfriend who literally broke your heart, knows he did it, and doesn't care. He isn't that father who comes home drunk and chases you around the house. No he isn't any of these people. He's a best friend who is there forever. He is a Father who created you so he could love you. He is your creator who took time to make you special and different from everyone else. He loves you. There is a point when you'll be in Heaven with me. You will be truly home soon. Nothing on this Earth matters because its all temporary. Pain is temporary. Gods love and promises are forever.

1 comment:

  1. Hold on to your hope, Kaitlin. I love your statement that God created us so that God could love us (and I'd add, so that we can love God!). You will be in my prayers. ~~ Pastor Carol

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