Saturday, June 22, 2013

Surviving Through the Darkness

I know pain, embarrassment, loneliness, feeling lost, and so much more. I found out the hard way you can't escape your problems but rather deal with them head on. I went on vacation for a week hoping to forget reality. Unfortunately reality bit me in the ass. At my grandparents 50th anniversary dinner I found myself  locked in a bathroom crying uncontrollably. The reality of my life was so awful. I've experienced things no kid should go through. Sadly millions are abused and or have a mental illness like me. While loosing my breath I experienced the all time worse flash back ever. Being sexually abused is so painful, shameful, and awful that I blocked it out. Through life and daily things God every now and then allows me to remember something about my past.  He doesn't give me what I can't handle but I'm loosing it.
When I remembered I about threw myself in front of a car. Life can be so hard. Because of sin this world is full suffering. People die at a young age, people are raped, people get cancer, school shooting occur, and everything far and inbetween. Honestly this corrupted world makes no sense. I was so young. I didn't ask for him to violate me. I didn't ask to have a laundry list of mental illnesses but this is my life. Because its scary and confusing people's first reaction is to blame God. I spent years angry at him but I realized none of this is his fault. He gives people free will and because of the Devil and sin bad things happen. He didn't make this happen to me but rather allowed it to happen for a reason. God is all I have. Almost all of my friends won't talk to me. I am not invited anywhere, I'm never texted, I'm never even noticed. I feel like all eyes are on me and some freak show. God is all I have.
In the midst of all of this God holds onto me tightly despite me letting go multiple times. I'm so confused and mess up all the time. There's no handbook on how to deal with suffering. My best advice is, the bigger the storm the more tightly you hold on. Open up your heart to him. Embrace the pain because it will makes you stronger. Hold out because at the end of this awful storm there's a rainbow. That beautiful rainbow is being in heaven with your daddy in heaven where everything is perfect. Jesus has experienced everything you have. He experienced rejection, humiliation, suffering, loneliness, temptation, and everything we go through daily. He understands. In pain we all run to something. Yesterday I wanted so badly to text my ex. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be alright. That would have one nothing but hurt me more. Whatever your running to wont help. Even family can hurt. My brother is turning 18 today and he is a complete stranger to me. My own father betrayed me in the worst way possible. My mom is truly a blessing but even she can't take the time away.
Ask yourself this: whatever you're running to, does it love you back? Will it always love you? Will it love you at your worse? I could easily answer that with no. My ex wants nothing to do with me. Despite my pleads its over and any hint of love is gone. He helped for a little while but my heart ended up breaking. God is the only way. I sat up at two last night sitting outside and thinking. At one time in my life the people I love the most have hurt me. Not only has god never hurt me but he's always there to help with the pain.m
Whatever you're going through you will survive. Going through it is going to suck. You'll be hurt but even in darkness you cannot hide from gods light and love. Please if you ever need anything I'm here for you. Don't be afraid to talk to me. With god by your side you can get through anything.

4 comments:

  1. Amen sister...People are not God. They cannot fill the void that he can. Read the Bible as much as possible to get through these tough times. That's what I do. My friends, long time friends, are no where to be found. Just reading your words reminds me no matter how old or young you are , or what century you were born, Same shit different day/month/year. The only thing that remains constant is God.

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    1. Oh my golly this is one of the truest things I've ever read. Thank you for that & thank you for the support! I love you & so does god!

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  2. It will never cease to amaze me how much I can relate to you sometimes. Even though I haven't been through anything near what you have had to go through, but I definitely understand the feeling of being abandoned by friends. All I've done this summer is sit in my house and do things with my family. I feel like it's my fault but at the same time I feel like there's not a thing in the world that I can do. It's really an awful feeling. Hang in there, Kaitlin! The big guy upstairs is the only friend you really need in the long run.

    ~EK

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    1. Awh thank you for taking the time to write that! It's special people like you who continue to remind me the honest truth and the good truth. Thank you, I love you!

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