I feel like I've been on autopilot the past couple of weeks. I let God slip through my hands. I would pray but just do it as a routine. The old Kaitlin started coming back and I began hating myself. I started to get depressed more often which would then be covered by a big, fake smile. I'm kidding myself when I say I'm fine. No I am not. I am struggling, I am drowning, and I'm losing God along with myself. It was day to say what was going on in my life. I could say the facts but not to emotions. I can say my father has abused me in multiple ways but when you ask me how I feel about it my mind literally goes blank and I become numb. Today was the last straw. I couldn't take it. I go to my brothers graduation and feel like a stranger. I avoid mr. Kwiatkowski at all costs. My brother and I have a fake relationship. When we see each other there's so much to say it we act like nothing has happened. I went into a deep depression tonight. It was happening again. My breath quickened, my body began to shake, and the tears started flowing. I was about to go into a full blown panic attack. The kind where I would have to be e tired to the hospital because I was about to stop the pain and kill myself.
No, this time I was stronger. I just sat and prayed. This was something I hadn't done in a while. I just sat and talked to him for an hour and crying out for him. Honestly I am losing it. The "issues" that are going on right now are life changing, the memories are terrifying, and I am growing apart from everyone in my life. My best firend, my angel, is moving to another state and is beyond busy. I'm so proud and I won't do anything to screw it up. It's her time to focus on herself and my time to support. All of my dads side of the family looks at me in discuss and I realized I have few friends, well actually no friends to turn to. My poor Mom is going through just as much,mic not more pain then me. Like I said I pulled away from god so I was so alone. As we talked I began to bawl. Little Kaitlin. Little 5 yeard old Kaitlin being abused and taken advantage of by her own father. By the man she thought was superhero. No one knew. They were all too busy focusing on themselves. I felt so unloved and until this nights realized I never got oer it. I looked for love in my ex, which was just terrible and one of the most painful experiences. I just realized that little5 year old never grew up and I always carried her around with me. She just wanted someone to love her.
Tonight I realized it was just God. He is all I really have at the end of the day. I felt comfort followed by worry and this passion to help little 5 year Kaitlin. She was so innocent. She didn't know any better. That monster took advantage of her. There are so many situations like this. I made a promise to little Kaitlin that she would never go through that again. Then I made a promise to take care of any one who has gone through that. They are so young and confused. All they want is someone to love them. Someone needs to protect them and God told me it was my job.
If you are going through something so dark and you feel like giving up read this paragraph:
You know when you are in so much pain you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Know that God is your hiding place and your shelter. He will protect and surround you with his love. I know life seem not worth living and confusing but there is always a purpose in pain. Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For the pain you see is temporary but the unseen(heaven, god, love, hope) is forever. God has got an amazing plan for you. His son, Jesus, will be with you every step of the way. Don't be afraid. Jesus has already overcame death and the world. You're in good hands.