Wednesday, June 26, 2013

One Year Anniversary

This journal entry was written the first night I accepted Christ. I remember it like it was yesterday. My patents recently got divorced, my mom and I weren't talking, I was living at my fathers, I spent many nights alone, and my depression was beginning. I was completely numb. I couldn't cry, I wasn't happy, I just felt nothing. 
I was at Younglife camp when I heard someone talk about this man named Jesus. I knew about god but I was pissed at him. I felt he didn't love me and was hurting me on purpose. I found out that night that he died for ME. The he loved ME. My father made it quite clear I was unlovable but hearing the story of Jesus being crucified was earth shattering news. Someone actually loved me. After the lecture we had cabin time where I felt this urge to talk. I told my whole story and that night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and it was the best decision I have and ever will make. 
Now it's a year later and my things have changed. I moved out of my fathers to my ma's house, I started highschool, I developed a relationship with my best friend that will never be broken, I found out I had depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. I also started remembering my childhood and found out I was sexually abused by my father. I went to the hospital for being suicidal, I started a blog, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I have been broken and put back together many times. 
My road to recovery has been painful and hard but I wouldn't be alive or made it this far if it wasn't for God. He saved my life in so many ways. I now have a purpose. My pain has a purpose. I know I am going through this that way some other little girl doesn't have to. I have devoted my life to serving God and helping people with depression or those who've been abused.
My life has been painful but I wouldn't change on thing because its made me the women I am today. I still have a long way to go but I will not fear. This week I have had 4 severe panic attacks where I thought I wasn't going to make it. I know it has to get worse before it gets better but I will hold on to the one thing the remains constant, Christ's love. I survive because He loves. I love you.

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