It's amazing to see how God works. For instance, while my depression severely worsened in December my aunt for Christmas bought me, "Perks of Being a Wallflower". I started reading it right away. It was so scary. Reading the book every night was like taking a look in the mirror This wasn't a fake look. It wasn't the kind of look where you see want you to see but rather looking at the truth. I was depressed. I would have severe panic attacks. I would cut and I was suicicdal. I had to stop reading it due to the nightmares I was having. After 6 months I finally watched the movie and discovered the full story. Because of that, I am writing what is my most powerful blog. This blog is about looking myself in the mirror and seeing the truth. I was told not to write about this but I am not ashamed or scared of what will happen. This is my story.
I know I watched that movie tonight for a reason. It was perfect timing. I finally can handle the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Tonight forced me to see the truth. One of the weirdest things in life is watching someone live your life. All the pain and suffering you go through feels "rare" or like nobody else goes through it therefore you consider yourself a freak. I was diagnosed with depression in November. The time from November to December seems like a blur to me. I had 5 severe panic attacks weekly. It's hard to imagine what I went through if you aren't me, but if you've seen or read "Perks of Being a Wallflower" you'd somewhat understand. When Charlie at the end loosing himself and tries to commit suicide know that was like me. I'd be in so much agony I would choke, scratch, and feel like I was dying. It was the scariest thing in my life. Honestly if it wasn't for God I'd dead and you wouldn't be reading this. Suicide is not a choice. People talk about how selfish it is but when you're in so much pain you lose it and are willing to do whatever to make it stop. God had and still has a plan for me; therefore, he'd stop me every time.
In Janurary I went into the hospital for trying to commit suicide. It was a wake up call. I realized the problem I have is severe and can only be solved with God.ni honestly walked around feeling like a freak. If only anyone knew how messed up I was or the real me, they would never love me. I realized I had somebody that did, Jesus. He didn't see me as a freak but as a survivor. So in the upcoming months I got many medical diagnosis of my condition but no real answers. I had post traumatic stress, panic disorder, aniexty, and depression. None of this terms explained why I was feeling the way I was. That's when I met my current therapist and found Gods light at the end of the tunnel.
People don't understand but when you're abused or go through something traumatic your mind blocks it out. It took a while to get back my memory but just like Charlie events that took place in my everyday life brought them back. I was sexually abused by my own father from the age of 6-12 or something like that. I'm not ready to go into details but getting everything out is part of my healing. But saying what happened wasn't enough. I now am dealing with the feelings that come along with the memories. I have days where I can't go outside and face people because of how dirty I was. I was so much I could be a normal teenager. I was so young & innocent. My own father. I blame myself but then realize its no where near my fault. I'm going through the toughest time in my life. Lawyers are involved and my father seemed the best lawyer to ruin me, but I'm not scared. The truth is powerful and God is on my side.
Like I said a month ago, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I would love to be a normal teenager but that's not what God planned for me. I really wouldn't change anything. It has made me the person I am today. No man will ever take advantage of me again. This experience has showed me God. It has shown me His love, power, forgiveness, purity, and grace. He has given me big plans. I will make sure every and anyone knows they aren't alone. I will be in the best sellers list for the book I'm going to write and on TV for my charity that I will open. Through pain comes triumph. Things are awful but to look how far I've from is truly beautiful. I went from being suicicdal to hopeful. I went from hating life to loving every part of it, even the bad stuff. I share my story to give others a voice. We the mentally ill, sexually abused, or outcast are strong. Most importantly, we are loved. I survive because He loves. “So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”