Saturday, June 8, 2013

Being Abused

I've spent my past few months feeling so dirty, wrong, and guilty for something that happened to me. I felt as if I asked for it. Because I didn't fight back, it was my fault and I wanted it. I had to realize I was and honestly I still am a child. I was violated at the early age of 5. How could a 5 year old defend herself and her innocence against a 6'2, 230 lb father?

Honestly I walk around most days feeling less then everyone around me. I feel you dirty to be in their presence. Some days I just want to be a normal teenager, but that wasn't Gods plan for me. If I wasn't abused in the most disgusting ways this blog would not have happened.i wouldn't be this strong. I see life so differently now. 

Everything happens for a reason. There is purpose in pain and I know my purpose. That's not to say it isn't painful. Everyday almost twice a day I have to remind myself: it's not my fault. I was a minor and defenseless against him. I am not dirty! That's the old me. I'm no longer a victim but a survivor and a child of God. That's not dirty but beautiful. Please forgive yourself. With abuse comes our mistakes. Maybe it's gave ore-marital sexual, drugs, or other sins. God is a forgiving and understanding God. 

I'm guilty of not handling my abuse properly. I find it hard to look into the mirror or forgot myself. God reminds through psalm 139, he knows all my mistakes before I even make them and eat he stills loves me. He forgives me. The creator of the universe forgives me so who I am not to forgive myself? 

Yes, I was abused. I was taken advantage of but I was saved and washed cleanly by the love of God. You're not dirty and the abuse isn't your fault. You're a beautiful survivor and child of God. Forgive yourself and show everything how much God had changed you. Spread the hope and share you story. This blog isn't for me but you. I want others to know they aren't alone and they're loved. 

1 comment:

  1. It's hard to live with haunting memories lingering in your head. You have to forget to forgive the offender. However, you shouldn't free him from the legal charges that he should face. Seek a lawyer's help. At the same time, know that there are support groups that will spend their time and help you recover. :)

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