Wednesday, June 26, 2013

One Year Anniversary

This journal entry was written the first night I accepted Christ. I remember it like it was yesterday. My patents recently got divorced, my mom and I weren't talking, I was living at my fathers, I spent many nights alone, and my depression was beginning. I was completely numb. I couldn't cry, I wasn't happy, I just felt nothing. 
I was at Younglife camp when I heard someone talk about this man named Jesus. I knew about god but I was pissed at him. I felt he didn't love me and was hurting me on purpose. I found out that night that he died for ME. The he loved ME. My father made it quite clear I was unlovable but hearing the story of Jesus being crucified was earth shattering news. Someone actually loved me. After the lecture we had cabin time where I felt this urge to talk. I told my whole story and that night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and it was the best decision I have and ever will make. 
Now it's a year later and my things have changed. I moved out of my fathers to my ma's house, I started highschool, I developed a relationship with my best friend that will never be broken, I found out I had depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. I also started remembering my childhood and found out I was sexually abused by my father. I went to the hospital for being suicidal, I started a blog, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I have been broken and put back together many times. 
My road to recovery has been painful and hard but I wouldn't be alive or made it this far if it wasn't for God. He saved my life in so many ways. I now have a purpose. My pain has a purpose. I know I am going through this that way some other little girl doesn't have to. I have devoted my life to serving God and helping people with depression or those who've been abused.
My life has been painful but I wouldn't change on thing because its made me the women I am today. I still have a long way to go but I will not fear. This week I have had 4 severe panic attacks where I thought I wasn't going to make it. I know it has to get worse before it gets better but I will hold on to the one thing the remains constant, Christ's love. I survive because He loves. I love you.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Suicidal Teenager Lives

Life's a bitch. There is no other way to put that. Thankful for God is only temporary. In this life, on Earth, Satan and his deamonds can effect us unlike heaven where you're untouchable. For right now I have to grit and bare all this pain. I have a lot to be upset about. I mean my own father betrayed me in the worst way possible. From that I had mental and physical scars that will never quite go away. As the memories flood my support here on earth dwindles. 
This month has been pure hell. I have lost a lot of friends. Because I was abused I feel abnormal and like a freak. I feel so ugly on the inside and I feel as if everyone around me can see that; therefor, no one wants anything to do with me. The days are full of pain and loneliness. I had one of the worst flashback and 2 days later I find out my best friend is moving. I felt as if my life was officially falling apart. Every time I get up I get pushed back down. I saw no point on continuing to keep pushing. 
The Lord changed my thinking. I'm so strong. Instead of thinking back to all my panic attacks, the hospital, and my past and being discouraged it's encouraged me. Instead of thinking my life is constant pain I can see how strong I am. I made it through all of that because of God! He is king of the universe and with him by my side I can anything.
My father took my childhood, innocence, and so much more from me. He will not get another second from me. This is my life. Whatever comes my way I will see as Gods plan and make the best out of it. 
It does suck that when I need my friend the most she moves but I'm so proud of her. She is fearless. She's moving, at 16, to New York City to follow her calling. She's my inspiration and I couldn't be more proud. I know she'll pave the road for me like so always has and show me the way. 
Highschool does suck but I will just make the best out of it. Instead of waiting for someone to be friends with me I will go out and be the first to text them or ask them to hangout. I have spent too many years crying and being abused. This is my time to get healthy and allow god to shine through me. There will be more pain and tears but it means I'm getting better. 
It's okay to get angry with god. We won't understand all that He does but we have to have faith. Having faith is what ha kept me alive and I will never lose it. He created me to love me and so I could love him. He is ruler of all and ultimately had a plan for good for me. I will never ever give up. I'm taking back the power. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Freedom from Suffering

Pain has a powerful grip, I should know. Depression has a powerful grip. Anxiety, guilt, remorse, loneliness. These all have such a strong grip and want to ruin every second of your life. It's so easy to allow your circumstances to effect you and your being. It's so easy to give into my sorrow and be depressed. I mean I have evey right. The man I trusted the most, my father, betrayed me in the worst possible way. That would send any one into depression or worse, suicide. The harder thing to do is to wake up and despite the pain you smile. While yes I have plenty to cry about I also have so much to smile about. 

Hope is a really powerful thing. Faith is a powerful thing. These things are more powerful then your pain. Allowing your circumstances to control you leads to a path of destruction. There are still days I can't get out of bed and face reality. It's not easy but everyday you have to choose happiness. This life that brings you pain is only temporary. The pain shapes us and makes us stronger. 

Remind yourself you're loved. God is more powerful then any suffering you experience. Don't let your past or present have any more control over you. I'm done giving my father any power over me. He will not ruin my life. I won't give into the pain but rather allow it to make me a better person. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Surviving Through the Darkness

I know pain, embarrassment, loneliness, feeling lost, and so much more. I found out the hard way you can't escape your problems but rather deal with them head on. I went on vacation for a week hoping to forget reality. Unfortunately reality bit me in the ass. At my grandparents 50th anniversary dinner I found myself  locked in a bathroom crying uncontrollably. The reality of my life was so awful. I've experienced things no kid should go through. Sadly millions are abused and or have a mental illness like me. While loosing my breath I experienced the all time worse flash back ever. Being sexually abused is so painful, shameful, and awful that I blocked it out. Through life and daily things God every now and then allows me to remember something about my past.  He doesn't give me what I can't handle but I'm loosing it.
When I remembered I about threw myself in front of a car. Life can be so hard. Because of sin this world is full suffering. People die at a young age, people are raped, people get cancer, school shooting occur, and everything far and inbetween. Honestly this corrupted world makes no sense. I was so young. I didn't ask for him to violate me. I didn't ask to have a laundry list of mental illnesses but this is my life. Because its scary and confusing people's first reaction is to blame God. I spent years angry at him but I realized none of this is his fault. He gives people free will and because of the Devil and sin bad things happen. He didn't make this happen to me but rather allowed it to happen for a reason. God is all I have. Almost all of my friends won't talk to me. I am not invited anywhere, I'm never texted, I'm never even noticed. I feel like all eyes are on me and some freak show. God is all I have.
In the midst of all of this God holds onto me tightly despite me letting go multiple times. I'm so confused and mess up all the time. There's no handbook on how to deal with suffering. My best advice is, the bigger the storm the more tightly you hold on. Open up your heart to him. Embrace the pain because it will makes you stronger. Hold out because at the end of this awful storm there's a rainbow. That beautiful rainbow is being in heaven with your daddy in heaven where everything is perfect. Jesus has experienced everything you have. He experienced rejection, humiliation, suffering, loneliness, temptation, and everything we go through daily. He understands. In pain we all run to something. Yesterday I wanted so badly to text my ex. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be alright. That would have one nothing but hurt me more. Whatever your running to wont help. Even family can hurt. My brother is turning 18 today and he is a complete stranger to me. My own father betrayed me in the worst way possible. My mom is truly a blessing but even she can't take the time away.
Ask yourself this: whatever you're running to, does it love you back? Will it always love you? Will it love you at your worse? I could easily answer that with no. My ex wants nothing to do with me. Despite my pleads its over and any hint of love is gone. He helped for a little while but my heart ended up breaking. God is the only way. I sat up at two last night sitting outside and thinking. At one time in my life the people I love the most have hurt me. Not only has god never hurt me but he's always there to help with the pain.m
Whatever you're going through you will survive. Going through it is going to suck. You'll be hurt but even in darkness you cannot hide from gods light and love. Please if you ever need anything I'm here for you. Don't be afraid to talk to me. With god by your side you can get through anything.

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Struggle of Fathers Day

I was dreading yesterday. Father's Day meant a day of grief, pain, and fear. A father in a girls life plays a big role. She's her protector and your his little girl. Thats why It's hard to accept the man who sexual abused you is your own father. To anyone who has never met their father, their father abandon you,  passed on, or abuse you I have a glimmer of joy.  

I woke on up Father's Day scared to what the day held. How would I feel? Would I have an attack? Would I get Arab message from mr. Kwiatkowski? As I sat down for quiet time my whole view on things changed. God reminded HE is my true father and the best father in the universe. He will never ever leave me or hurt me in any way. 

My father was never a role model. He corrupted me instead of raising me. God is the ultimate role model. He can not only reverse the pain & corruption but change my heart into a women of God. Despite the man mistakes I have and will make God still loves me SO mucho rapier my father. He never loved me he just used me, and when I was smart enough to realize what was happening was wrong he neglected me. 

With The Lord I'm whole and happy. It's completely true when saying a father is one of the most important part of your life. Luckily each an everyone of us has a Heavenly Father to love us and guide us. 

So it's true I don't have an earthly father. I don't even consider him a part of my life anymore but I do have a Heavenly Father. He's perfect, loving, kind, and forgiving. I can never hide from his presence. He's my best friend and will be for eternity. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Highschool Survival.

It's safe to say high school can be the best and/or worst time of your life depending on your situation and how you choose to look at it. Currently I'm experiencing the worst part. The pain is so deep. I struggle everyday dealing with my mental illnesses and abuse. I wish almost everyday that I was like any other teenage girl, but I've come to realize any teenager will have struggles and pain.. It's part of life and high school.

You'll experience and maybe experiencing loneliness. It's so hard to find real friends. Friends that stick by you no matter what. Because of being sexually abused I feel like a freak and it doesn't help when I'm treated like one. People won't talk to me and some of my friends have left me. Times get lonely. I may look like I have it all together but there are days I still feel like a loser. Thank God I have the King of Kings as my best friend. When times get lonely I just remember Gods promise to never leave me. Honestly people who only like one side of you aren't real friends so why would you want to be around them? It takes a while but there's always that one friend that ends up being family. They accept and embrace your every flaw. They inspire you and keep you grounded. They pick you up when your down. They're rare in Highschool but I promise they are out there. Whenever I'm lonely I pray and just hangout with my main Man I'm always in constant conversation with God which stops the loneliness and self doubts.  

This brings me to my second thing. Highschool is a time to truly find yourself, and you better believe you'll doubt every step of the way. I've lost myself so many times but what always brings me back is these promises: 
God loves me no matter what! No matter my size, appearance, my past, or my mistakes. 
He will never leave my side.
He has my WHOLE life planned out for me and while there are downs He has a wonderful plan for me. 
So don't compare yourself to other girls. Would I love to be 5'9 and 120? Well of course but God blessed me with a fully functional body that's healthy. I'm 5'2 & 130. I stand loud and proud. I'm beautiful because I was created by a masterpiece. 

Boys are cruel. They are immature and almost always end up hurting you in Highschool. We aren't mature enough to not hurt each other. All I can say it you love, laugh, cry, then move on. I don't regret going out with my ex. I was in love and enjoyed every second. I grew from that export ex and wouldn't change a thing. If you're ridding the struggle bus and have been single for a while no sweat! God already has your husband picked out. He's everything you dreamed and more. Trust God.

Finally don't worry about the future. You're going to go to college pick a major, change it, then change it again. Or maybe you won't go to college. Trust god for He created the universe. He can and already has taken care of your future. Work on being the eat you and getting closer to the Big Guy because at the end of the day he's all that matters. High school sucks at time but its a blimp on your life time. Enjoy the good parts and hold on to God during the bad parts.

Monday, June 10, 2013

My Unfinished Story & The Truth: You're Not Alone In Your Pain

     It's amazing to see how God works. For instance, while my depression severely worsened in December my aunt for Christmas bought me, "Perks of Being a Wallflower". I started reading it right away. It was so scary. Reading the book every night was like taking a look in the mirror This wasn't a fake look. It wasn't the kind of look where you see want you to see but rather looking at the truth. I was depressed. I would have severe panic attacks. I would cut and I was suicicdal. I had to stop reading it due to the nightmares I was having. After 6 months I finally watched the movie and discovered the full story. Because of that, I am writing what is my most powerful blog. This blog is about looking myself in the mirror and seeing the truth. I was told not to write about this but I am not ashamed or scared of what will happen. This is my story.
     I know I watched that movie tonight for a reason. It was perfect timing. I finally can handle the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Tonight forced me to see the truth. One of the weirdest things in life is watching someone live your life. All the pain and suffering you go through feels "rare" or like nobody else goes through it therefore you consider yourself a freak. I was diagnosed with depression in November. The time from November to December seems like a blur to me. I had 5 severe panic attacks weekly. It's hard to imagine what I went through if you aren't me, but if you've seen or read "Perks of Being a Wallflower" you'd somewhat understand. When Charlie at the end loosing himself and tries to commit suicide know that was like me. I'd be in so much agony I would choke, scratch, and feel like I was dying. It was the scariest thing in my life. Honestly if it wasn't for God I'd dead and you wouldn't be reading this. Suicide is not a choice. People talk about how selfish it is but when you're in so much pain you lose it and are willing to do whatever to make it stop. God had and still has a plan for me; therefore, he'd stop me every time.
    In Janurary I went into the hospital for trying to commit suicide. It was a wake up call. I realized the problem I have is severe and can only be solved with honestly walked around feeling like a freak. If only anyone knew how messed up I was or the real me, they would never love me. I realized I had somebody that did, Jesus. He didn't see me as a freak but as a survivor. So in the upcoming months I got many medical diagnosis of my condition but no real answers. I had post traumatic stress, panic disorder, aniexty, and depression. None of this terms explained why I was feeling the way I was. That's when I met my current therapist and found Gods light at the end of the tunnel.
    People don't understand but when you're abused or go through something traumatic your mind blocks it out. It took a while to get back my memory but just like Charlie events that took place in my everyday life brought them back. I was sexually abused by my own father from the age of 6-12 or something like that. I'm not ready to go into details but getting everything out is part of my healing. But saying what happened wasn't enough. I now am dealing with the feelings that come along with the memories. I have days where I can't go outside  and face people because of how dirty I was. I was so much I could be a normal teenager. I was so young & innocent. My own father. I blame myself but then realize its no where near my fault. I'm going through the toughest time in my life. Lawyers are involved and my father seemed the best lawyer to ruin me, but I'm not scared. The truth is powerful and God is on my side.
    Like I said a month ago, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I would love to be a normal teenager but that's not what God planned for me. I really wouldn't change anything. It has made me the person I am today. No man will ever take advantage of me again. This experience has showed me God. It has shown me His love, power, forgiveness, purity, and grace. He has given me big plans. I will make sure every and anyone knows they aren't alone. I will be in the best sellers list for the book I'm going to write and on TV for my charity that I will open. Through pain comes triumph. Things are awful but to look how far I've from is truly beautiful. I went from being suicicdal to hopeful. I went from hating life to loving every part of it, even the bad stuff. I share my story to give others a voice. We the mentally ill, sexually abused, or outcast are strong. Most importantly, we are loved. I survive because He loves. “So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Being Abused

I've spent my past few months feeling so dirty, wrong, and guilty for something that happened to me. I felt as if I asked for it. Because I didn't fight back, it was my fault and I wanted it. I had to realize I was and honestly I still am a child. I was violated at the early age of 5. How could a 5 year old defend herself and her innocence against a 6'2, 230 lb father?

Honestly I walk around most days feeling less then everyone around me. I feel you dirty to be in their presence. Some days I just want to be a normal teenager, but that wasn't Gods plan for me. If I wasn't abused in the most disgusting ways this blog would not have happened.i wouldn't be this strong. I see life so differently now. 

Everything happens for a reason. There is purpose in pain and I know my purpose. That's not to say it isn't painful. Everyday almost twice a day I have to remind myself: it's not my fault. I was a minor and defenseless against him. I am not dirty! That's the old me. I'm no longer a victim but a survivor and a child of God. That's not dirty but beautiful. Please forgive yourself. With abuse comes our mistakes. Maybe it's gave ore-marital sexual, drugs, or other sins. God is a forgiving and understanding God. 

I'm guilty of not handling my abuse properly. I find it hard to look into the mirror or forgot myself. God reminds through psalm 139, he knows all my mistakes before I even make them and eat he stills loves me. He forgives me. The creator of the universe forgives me so who I am not to forgive myself? 

Yes, I was abused. I was taken advantage of but I was saved and washed cleanly by the love of God. You're not dirty and the abuse isn't your fault. You're a beautiful survivor and child of God. Forgive yourself and show everything how much God had changed you. Spread the hope and share you story. This blog isn't for me but you. I want others to know they aren't alone and they're loved. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Survival Guide When You've Lost Hope

I have reached this point too many times. I had another attack last week and it was like the old ones. I choked, cried, screamed, and felt like committing suicide. This week God has given me a new perspective on my life. Things right now are worse then ever. Between lawyers, private investigators, child services, the hatred from my father, and the shame that comes along with the abuse life can seem dark and hopeless. I broke out in tears. Never would I think my life would be like this. One day, when I'm through all of this, I hope I can make a difference by sharing my entire story. I'm not giving up despite the terrible circumstances. 

Anyone would look at me and have no idea any of this is going on. It's worse then you imagine my life to be, but because of God I manage to keep an honest, genuine smile. How? God changed my thinking and perspective. 

First off, you're never alone. It may feel like its you against the world but I can promise you you're not. 
Psalm 139: 7-10 
" I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me."
He will never leave your side.

Also, God has already overcome the world. Your problems are never to grand or great compared to Gods power. 
Jeremiah 32:27
"I am The Lord, the God of all man kind. Is anything too hard for me?" 

The most important thing I think about when I feel like ending it all: this life will e filled with pain & suffering. It all had a purpose. It's preparing for our true home. Earth is our temporary home. Our true home is an eternity in Heaven with our best friend, father, and bridegroom God and Jesus. There will be no pain in Heaven. From Completely His Shannon Ethridge describe Heaven like this, "imagine the presence of all things we love about this world and the absence of all things we hate. Imagine all the wonders of nature, such as oceans and mountains, without any hurricanes or earthquakes or other natural disaster. Envision having a strong, fit body that never ages, never aches, never gets fat, never gets sick, and never does. Imagine being around your family without anyone getting mad, getting even, or string their feelings hurt. In heaven, everything is perfect. Heaven is sin free, guilt free, stress free, sickness free, and abuse free. Only peace and prosperity for all Gods children to enjoy."
All this pain is worth it. Committing suicide won't send you to heaven. H. O. P. E.(hold on pain ends) I'm here for you. God is by your side. He loves you. He won't leave you. Keep pushing. 

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Suicidal Teenager Part: III

I feel like I've been on autopilot the past couple of weeks. I let God slip through my hands. I would pray but just do it as a routine. The old Kaitlin started coming back and I began hating myself. I started to get depressed more often which would then be covered by a big, fake smile. I'm kidding myself when I say I'm fine. No I am not. I am struggling, I am drowning, and I'm losing God along with myself. It was day to say what was going on in my life. I could say the facts but not to emotions. I can say my father has abused me in multiple ways but when you ask me how I feel about it my mind literally goes blank and I become numb. Today was the last straw. I couldn't take it. I go to my brothers graduation and feel like a stranger. I avoid mr. Kwiatkowski at all costs. My brother and I have a fake relationship. When we see each other there's so much to say it we act like nothing has happened. I went into a deep depression tonight. It was happening again. My breath quickened, my body began to shake, and the tears started flowing. I was about to go into a full blown panic attack. The kind where I would have to be e tired to the hospital because I was about to stop the pain and kill myself.

No, this time I was stronger. I just sat and prayed. This was something I hadn't done in a while. I just sat and talked to him for an hour and crying out for him. Honestly I am losing it. The "issues" that are going on right now are life changing, the memories are terrifying, and I am growing apart from everyone in my life. My best firend, my angel, is moving to another state and is beyond busy. I'm so proud and I won't do anything to screw it up. It's her time to focus on herself and my time to support. All of my dads side of the family looks at me in discuss and I realized I have few friends, well actually no friends to turn to. My poor Mom is going through just as much,mic not more pain then me.  Like I said I pulled away from god so I was so alone. As we talked I began to bawl. Little Kaitlin. Little 5 yeard old Kaitlin being abused and taken advantage of by her own father. By the man she thought was superhero. No one knew. They were all too busy focusing on themselves. I felt so unloved and until this nights realized I never got oer it. I looked for love in my ex, which was just terrible and one of the most painful experiences. I just realized that little5 year old never grew up and I always carried her around with me. She just wanted someone to love her.

Tonight I realized it was just God. He is all I really have at the end of the day. I felt comfort followed by worry and this passion to help little 5 year Kaitlin. She was so innocent. She didn't know any better. That monster took advantage of her. There are so many situations like this. I made a promise to little Kaitlin that she would never go through that again. Then I made a promise to take care of any one who has gone through that. They are so young and confused. All they want is someone to love them. Someone needs to protect them and God told me it was my job.

If you are going through something so dark and you feel like giving up read this paragraph: 
You know when you are in so much pain you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Know that God is your hiding place and your shelter. He will protect and surround you with his love. I know life seem not worth living and confusing but there is always a purpose in pain. Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For the pain you see is temporary but the unseen(heaven, god, love, hope) is forever. God has got an amazing plan for you. His son, Jesus, will be with you every step of the way. Don't be afraid. Jesus has already overcame death and the world. You're in good hands.

When You Just Want To Give Up

If you're anything like me and have similar issues as I do we are asking ourselves the same question, "How in the hell did I get here?" My life was completely different a year ago. All in one year I was hit with depression, aniexty, suicidal thoughts, a broken, family, realizing abuse, a broken relationship with more then half of my family, and all the awful mess I'm going through right now. I can easily say this past couple of months have and will be the hardest time of my life. I don't share what is going on right now  with many people but what I will say is its brutal. It keeps me up at night, it causes too many tears, it robs me of my care free smile, and weighs heavy on my heart.
To be honest sometimes I want a normal family. I want a father who will love me. I wish when my mom and I get in fights I could have a dad to talk to and help me through this. I don't. What really sucks is I miss my father when I never really had one. He never loved me. He took advantage of me. He now hates me and will do whatever to hurt me. He sent a private investigator to embarrass and adtimidate me so I will take down this blog. He wants me to pay for speaking up and finally having a voice. He went to my ex-boyfriends house just to embarrass me.

One day all of this will be over but I will still be left with depression and the memories. Every now and then those dark thoughts will creep into my head. Most importantly I will be left with half a family which I am grateful for but to have the other half of your family be discusted by you hurts. My own aunt who was like a mother to me has avoided me. I don't see my cousin anymore and most of all my own brother is going off into the world and I am afraid I have lost him forever. You know with everything happening to me right it could push anyone to suicide. I don't feel like killing myself but rather give up. You know the feeling where you want to crawl in a ball and stay there forever. Well you aren't alone in these feelings:
-being rejected by friends
-being rejected by someone you love
-feeling alone in a crowded room
-being abused(in any type of way)
- having a family member look at you in the eye and you can see their hate for you
-trying to commit suicide
-never feeling good enough
-being desperate for a guys approval because you hate yourself
-having an eating disorder
-having to deal with the police showing up at your house

I mean the list for me and I bet some of you goes on and on. I know when people see me they would never know I have gone through all of this by the smile on my face. I get asked all the time how I still smile. My answer is short and sweet, "It's all because of God." So things are truly hell right now. They will be over and when the storm passes I will be so strong and ready to take on the world. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I now have a purpose, a story to tell, a passion to help others, and a relationship with God. Also Inwas abuse and taken advantage of beyond belief.  Yes what he did I will never fully understand and I do feel dirty and unwanted sometimes but Gods loving thoughts of me out number the grains of sand on this Earth and nothing will take that away. You know things are hard. Life is hard. Problems are piling on top of you and you feel like you're going to break. Just give it up to God. There is no wound God cannot heal. Hope is one of the most powerful things. You can choose happiness. Have faith in God that pain has purpose. Most people are fake and lost. Friends will change and leave your side but God won't. He isn't that friend who one day stabbed you in the back. He isn't that ex boyfriend who literally broke your heart, knows he did it, and doesn't care. He isn't that father who comes home drunk and chases you around the house. No he isn't any of these people. He's a best friend who is there forever. He is a Father who created you so he could love you. He is your creator who took time to make you special and different from everyone else. He loves you. There is a point when you'll be in Heaven with me. You will be truly home soon. Nothing on this Earth matters because its all temporary. Pain is temporary. Gods love and promises are forever.