It's hard to even begin to describe my feelings. Pain, guilt, embarrassment, worthless, unloved. All I want to do is run and hide, but that would once again give him the power over me. After a 3 hour long therapy session I remembered and we revealed unspeakable things. I have been abused every single way possible. After we reveled the whole and honest truth I felt like throwing up. This is something I have to live with everyday. It's hard to face the world and people in general. I am far from normal and cry because that's all I want to be. My aunt said the most comforting thing to me. "There is no such thing as normal. Everyone has their own situations and problems." It made me think. God designed us differently. Every single one of us.. so what's normal? Well first off it's all bull. We all have different crosses to bear. So that was nice to hear but that didn't even begin to heal my giant, gaping wound. Today I didn't even think about dying. That is one of the most amazing sentence I have written and said out loud. I will never lose hope because once that's gone it's a downward spiral that I have been down too many times.
See I feel like when I walk around school or in a public place I feel like all people see is my wound. They only see how monsterous my dad is, how sick I was, my dark past. I was and still am mortified. But I am writing this so I can wake up and read this everyday. While it takes everyone ounce of my being to get out of bed this will bring hope into the begin of a day with endless possibilities.
"I am strong. I made it through hell. I made it through the sexual, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. I am a survivor. My joinery isn't over but I am now safe and I can heal. It is painful and while living in the present can be wonderful it can also kill. When I am totally forget about my father, hurt, and past I tell myself to take a deep breath, thank God, and soak up every second. Well when a day like today rolls around and you feel like dying, choking, throwing up, and whatever else I think about my future. I will use all of this suffering and change it into something amazing. God is with me EVERY step of the way. I don't think of that man who lived in my house as my 'father'. I only see God as my father. He is your father too. He is perfect, loves you no matter what, never leaves you, and will never let you down. He gives the hardest battle to His strongest soldiers. I have said repeatedly that I am going to open up a organization to help depressed or abused teenagers. I am going through this hell so another little girl who isn't as strong doesn't have to. Finally, I think of how strong I will be when this is all done. Think to that moment when you are older and healthy. You will look back at the darkness which is dar away, smile, and say "I survived".
The hell I won't through with my ex literally brought my heart into a million pieces. I didn't understand why God would let that happen but now I understand. He could never be with me. I am too much for him. By us breaking up God protected Him and taught me how to be strong, independent, and only rely on Him. Also, my father is a version of Satan himself. Why was he my parent? I still don't know but I trust God 100%. Yes, they are days when I feel like I can't go on any longer but God pulls me through. I have gone through too much to give up now. The end is in sight. I will never give up. With God you can it through anything.