It's hard to say what's worse... being abused.... or the emotions after you've been abused. Don't get me wrong, being abuse is a personal hell here on Earth and truly a work on Satan; however, when you have escaped your abuser and are safe, you're left with all these raw, confusing emotions. You're left without physical and mental scars. You're left with panic attack, insomnia, lowered self-confidence, fear, suicidal thoughts, and feelings you can't even describe. This isn't a post telling you to do this, this, and this and you will beat these feelings. I still live with these. All I am here to say is you aren't alone in these scary feelings and there are a few things that can pull you through.
Confusion. That's my life right now. Fear of the unknown. Everyday to wake up and face the world is a struggle. When you are sexually abused the safest thing is to turn all the blame onto yourself. Yourself can smack you across the face like your abuser can. So that's what I have done. It's wrong and I am working through it. I remember telling my mom things like, "I can never be with a guy because I am dirty, guilty, and what guy wants to be with a girl whose father sexually abused her." or "I should have stopped him, it's my fault." The worst one is "I was asking for it." All of these comments seem so true to me but deep down I know they couldn't be any further from the truth. First off the abuse started around 6. What six year old "asks for it"? I guess for me it's easier to blame myself then think of my father as a sick person. It would make more sense if something was wrong with me but deep down I know there isn't anything wrong. The scary questions we don't ask ourselves(and these questions don't just apply for sexual abuse but abuse of any kind) why did they do that to me, I thought they loved me I mean it is my own parent? It's scary to know the parent that raised you and you thought loved you so much could hurt you in the worst way possible.
Another thing I know is true deep down. I couldn't stop him! I thought was normal. That was my life so when I was young I didn't know what was going on and if it was right or wrong. But now I am being strong and doing something about it. I am giving the six year old me a voice and I won't be silenced. I am also giving anyone AT ALL who has been abused a voice. What happened to you wasn't okay and no matter the circumstance, you didn't deserve that. You have a right to stand up for yourself.
The final thing was guys.... well actually people in general. I hate walking around feeling dirty. I hate thinking everyone sees me as a freak. The worst is when I look in the mirror and see a freak looking back at me. Luckily one day I know I will look in that mirror and not see a victim of abuse but a strong, bad ass survivor. God will send the right man into my life who will come to know everything about me and still love me.
Right now very little in my life makes sense, but there are a few statements and truths I hold on to that allow me to go on with my life. I know God loves me no matter what has happened. Just because this happened to me doesn't mean God hates me. He didn't make this happen to me but rather allowed this to happen because He knew I was strong enough to handle it. I thank God for my past because it has given me a future. After moving to New York City, being on broadway, and just living I will open up an organization for depressed teens and abused teens to help them find hope and God. Everyday, the only reason I can wake up, is because I know everything will be okay one day. God has great plans for me and loves me. I will work through all of this and be stronger because of it. God loves me, that's all I need to know.