Monday, May 6, 2013

Living Without a Father

A narcissist is a specialist at manipulating. I believed for 13 years my father was super dad. One day God woke me up from my naive little world. Slowly but surly I have found out the truth about my father. My heart broke. It's still broken. A person who hates me and has abused me is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. My own father... could care less. I am still remembering terrible things he did to me. I shake out of fear of my father. The times he made me cuddle with him or he would stand over me a scream. He leave me all alone or call me a bitch. That is in my mind 24/7.

Honestly, I grew up without a father rather an abuser. Now it's just my mom and I. I have never really had a strong male figure in my life who loved and cared about me. There was this void so I ran to boys. My heart broke even more to the point where I just wanted to give up. My relationship with God isn't perfect. I have ups and downs but He has never left me. He has and never will hurt me. I ran to the park and sat down and just talked to God. I am so blessed and should look at what I have rather then what I don't have. I never realized how far I have come. Back in December I would have severe panic attacks every day. The last panic attack I have had was two weeks ago. God has pulled me through.

In the current moment Im in so much pain.  Do you know the feeling to have the person you love with all of your heart not even care about you? It's one of the worst feelings. Right now I am at such a low point and I am so hurt. It's painful to get out of bed. I feel like bursting out into tears but I am so numb I can't. I am not giving up though. I am praying for a miracle.

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