Tuesday, May 28, 2013

It's All Worth It

My childhood and life in general has been no walk in the park. Between divorce, abuse, a split family, heart breaks, suicicdal thoughts, and being in the hospital I'm lucky I'm still alive. I re,ever a few months ago all I wanted to do was be in Gods arms in heaven. I was having these "attacks" which were almos unbearable. I remember collapsing on the floor, not being able to move, and wanting so badly to die. I felt the devil whisper into my ear telling me God left me. I believed it. All I could think about was ending it because the pain  was too much. There has been multiple times where I have tried to take my life but honestly I felt God swoop me up and save me.

Things are bad. Really bad. Life is painful and chaotic but this time around I haven't had one suicicdal thought. In New York, last weekend, I had to severe panic attacks and was depressed for a few days. Like I said I will always have depression. I will always have aniexty. I will always have my dark,dark past but it is my choice whether I let it define me. I'm no where near perfect and some, days  I can't fight the depression and I give into it. I waste that day full of opportunities and just lay on the floor. Others days not by my own strength but Gods I get out of bed and live.

With everything that has happened to me I could easily go into severe depression, be anorexic, do drugs, sleep around, cut, be in and out of the hospital, and have no hope. Instead I choose the path less traveled. I won't let my past define my future. With God I'm a new person. The old, abused, self concious Kaitlin is gone. What took her place was a young women of God who is strong and longs to serve God. Honestly a couple of months ago I was I'm a completely different place and was going to end my life. I let things that happened to me and my mental illness define me. Now I'm on the road to recovery with a story to tell. Everyday wake up and decide to Turn Your Tragedy into Triumph. You're with God and will not fail. 

I know things are hard right now. No, that's an understatement. Life is confusing, black, and seems to going in all the wrong places. I know the feeling of numb, nothingness because everything doesn't make sense. You're mind doesn't even want to think of reality so you go on autopilot just going through the motions. I was like this for months. All this hell I've gone through and continue to go through is worth it. I've learned life long lessons, met angels, became stronger as a person and in my faith, change into a completely different person, and have a purpose and calling. This life means little. Our job is to trust God, love others, serve Him, and listen to our calling. Life is messy. It isn't perfect but it prepas us for our true home, Heaven. This life is a blink of an eye. I will do my job and help others discover God then when it is my time see my Daddy in Heaven. Life can be beautiful but you have to choose to see it that way. 

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