Sunday, May 19, 2013

Holding On But Slipping

I put everything out there. I mean my life is an open book and my deepest darkest secrets are here for anyone to see. It's hard, painful, and embarrassing writing all of this. I don't write anything for attention, sympathy, or to get revenge. I write because in all 15 years of my life I have never had a voice; however, the real reason I write is to be the voices of others. Life is full of demonds and sin. I am here to let anyone( people with depression, people with anexiy, anyone with a mental illness, or anyone who has been abused) you aren't alone and you're not a freak. I would be lying if I didn't say I look in the mirror and see a freak, a monster looking back at me.

I spent the entire morning thinking back to my life. It has been hell. I blocked out most of my childhood. The only memories I remember are abusive, dark, sick ones. I don't remember happy times or vacations with my family. I don't even remember the first time I went to Disney World. That is suppose to be so magical.. I wouldn't know the feeling. See the abuse didn't even hurt. I don't just mean physically but also emotionally and mentally. You know when you have a terrible accident and you broke your arm or cut your leg and you don't remember the feeling of when you got it but you are in severe pain. You're left with the injury, the pain, and no memory of what happened. That's what happened to me. My abuse lasted 15 years now I am left with all the scars and pain. The aftermath all started in September and I left my dad to live with my mom. The pain attacks came with depression and suicidal thoughts. 

Right now my life is bittersweet. The good news is I see light at the end of the tunnel. Something I haven't seen and it's beautiful. I've been waiting for this and holding on to this view and while it's close it's also so far. This is the most painful part. All the memories are here. I no longer have a relationship  with my father and I will never. I know you're reading this Mr. Kwiatkowski and know this. You took my child and innocence away. You're so sick and I couldn't be more angry at you. I am not thanking for what you've but rather what God's done. Because of all the hell you've put me through I have been a strong, independent, young women on God. Once I work through through the scars you left, I will not spend one minute thinking about you. I don't see you as my father and never will. It's sad you won't to see the strong person I have become to be. I have so many dreams that I will make come true. You won't be there when I open my organization for depressed and abused teenagers. You won't walk e down the isle. You won't get to hold my newborn. Know the daughter you raised turned into a kick ass young women who is loving and determined. My great charter is no thanks to you but my beautiful mother and God who has changed me. I hated the person you raised me to be. She is sick, mean, sexual, crude, judgmental, rasist, arrogant, and ignorant. That girl is dead and a young women of Christ took her place. I will no longer let you hurt me and NO more tears will be shed. 

My father sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me. I used to hate talking to people but I felt dirty around them. Who wants to talk to someone whose father took advantage of her and sexually abused her. Then I realized that girl isn't me anymore. She is long gone. I will get through this and thrive all thanks to God. My ugly, dark past has made me who I am today. I hated the old me you, Mr. Kwiatkowski made me to be but I love the new Kaitlin Kwiatkowski who my mom, consoler, teacher, voice teacher,best friend, and God have shaped me to be.

2 comments:

  1. You my friend are on your way....before long you will reach the light at the end of the tunnel and can bask in the sunshine. Keep moving forward :)

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  2. Thank you so much. You've helped and big such a big part in my journey. I know I connected with you by the work of God. I am so grateful.

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