Friday, May 24, 2013
Another Night, Another Depression and Panic Attack
Yes, it happened again. Someone asked me if I beat my depression. I said almost. I am so close and I am getting better but that doesn’t mean I won’t an attack every now and then. I forgot how awful it was to feel depressed. It started with me collapsing on the floor feeling papralyzed. I felt nothing but this feeling of being sucked up by darkness. Then this pain came over me and I began to shake. Here comes another attack. I felt it take over and I lost control. I shoke, I cried, I choked, I felt awful. My mom and God immediately came to my side. As they spoke the old Kaitlin was being pushed away as the new, strong Kaitlin came out. I took control and though it took a lot of eneegry, strength, and time I beat it.
What started it was my past and my chilhoood. So dark, so scary, so painful. But I was reinded of how far I have come. The old Kaitlin would have let that attack take over and allow her to get pushed over the edge. Over the edge I cut my back bite my arms, basically do anything to release the pain. All I could think of back then was killing myself. Instead, i saw the pure light of my loving Father, God. “Times are tough right now. With everything you have gone through it’s normal to have another attack. Don’t feel like you’re degressing. Think ahead of this moment and picture the future you will have with me. Think of the smiling faces of the once depressed teenagers. Think of the loud voices of the once quiet, speechless, and abused teenagers. You will do great things will me. Don’t give up.” said God. So I didn’t. I grit and bear through the pain and now I am here writing this.
Depression and the past is a beast but with God it’s grip on you will completely loosen. If you are going through hell think about how far you have come. Why give up now? Through trials comes triumph! You can and will get through this. Know God loves you and as you’re going through the hell that this corrupt world has created know God is smiling, so proud of you. He has held me through everything and will continue to.
I am coming home this weekend to NYC. Couldn’t be better timing considering all that happening in my life. New York is a place where my dream are right in front of my face. I forget about all the troubles and the past becuase this is my bright future. A future that no one will take away from me. Yes I am in pain but this weekend it will all disapear. I am not letting “him” take any power. For know I am letting go of the pain and enjoy the blessiings God has placed right in front of me. I love you my Daddy in Heaven! Togeher we will get throuhg this. Broadway here I come!