Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Don't be Ahasamed of Your Past Because It Doesn't Define Your Future

This has been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. That statement means two very important things to me. The first thing is not letting what had happend to you define you. I would walk around and feel like a freak because all that's happened to me. I was I'm the hospital for trying to commit suicide. I was abused most of my childhood. I had and still have depression, aniexty, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. Okay that's a part of me but that isn't who I am. You aren't a victim of th past or your issues. You are a child of God. You are THE child of the King of Kings. He is smiling down on you right now because you're fighting whatever darkness you have in your life. My family is wracked out. I used to think we could have a reality TV show; however, with everything that has happened it wouldn't even be HBO appropriate. All of that doesn't define me. I'm not Mr.Kwiatkowski's daughter. No. I'm kick ass Kaitlin the servant and child of God.

Yes people have talked about me and not wanted to be around me.
"Her life brings too much drama and I don't want to be a part if that."
"She is faking her depression for attention."
"That one psycho chick."
Cool. Think what you want but I know of all that darkness doesn't define me. I am strong and choose to rise above it and so can you.

The second thing: your past mistakes doesn't define you. Oh golly I'm no where near perfect. I find myself gossiping, judging, and many other things. I regret being the crazy ex girlfriend. I regret beig the attention seeker 8th grader who did whatever to fit in. I regret laughing at you and calling you names. I regret and am sorry for my sins of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I'm born a sinner. No matter how hard I try I will make mistakes and fall short of Gods glory. Luckily, we are all blessed becuase God is a loving and forgiving God on top of just being mega chill and all around awesome! Every time I sin or I turn my back on God I recognize my wrongs, apologize, then God accepts me back with open arms.

Craziest thought ever. Before God even created the world, He thought of you personally. He knew all the mistakes you were and are going to make even before you had the chance to make Him yet He still loved and loves you. He loves you so much that He sent His only son to die for you and take your sins with Him. When Jesus was on that cross He knew all the wrongs you were going to do but He wanted to die for you. With Christ you're a new creation. He forgives and you aren't a prisoner to the past. Everyday is a new day with a clean slate. You can't go back into the past and change it so you learn and grow from it.

The past can seem like this darkness hanging over you for everyone to see. You've given it too much power for too long. It's the past. God is your future.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

It's All Worth It

My childhood and life in general has been no walk in the park. Between divorce, abuse, a split family, heart breaks, suicicdal thoughts, and being in the hospital I'm lucky I'm still alive. I re,ever a few months ago all I wanted to do was be in Gods arms in heaven. I was having these "attacks" which were almos unbearable. I remember collapsing on the floor, not being able to move, and wanting so badly to die. I felt the devil whisper into my ear telling me God left me. I believed it. All I could think about was ending it because the pain  was too much. There has been multiple times where I have tried to take my life but honestly I felt God swoop me up and save me.

Things are bad. Really bad. Life is painful and chaotic but this time around I haven't had one suicicdal thought. In New York, last weekend, I had to severe panic attacks and was depressed for a few days. Like I said I will always have depression. I will always have aniexty. I will always have my dark,dark past but it is my choice whether I let it define me. I'm no where near perfect and some, days  I can't fight the depression and I give into it. I waste that day full of opportunities and just lay on the floor. Others days not by my own strength but Gods I get out of bed and live.

With everything that has happened to me I could easily go into severe depression, be anorexic, do drugs, sleep around, cut, be in and out of the hospital, and have no hope. Instead I choose the path less traveled. I won't let my past define my future. With God I'm a new person. The old, abused, self concious Kaitlin is gone. What took her place was a young women of God who is strong and longs to serve God. Honestly a couple of months ago I was I'm a completely different place and was going to end my life. I let things that happened to me and my mental illness define me. Now I'm on the road to recovery with a story to tell. Everyday wake up and decide to Turn Your Tragedy into Triumph. You're with God and will not fail. 

I know things are hard right now. No, that's an understatement. Life is confusing, black, and seems to going in all the wrong places. I know the feeling of numb, nothingness because everything doesn't make sense. You're mind doesn't even want to think of reality so you go on autopilot just going through the motions. I was like this for months. All this hell I've gone through and continue to go through is worth it. I've learned life long lessons, met angels, became stronger as a person and in my faith, change into a completely different person, and have a purpose and calling. This life means little. Our job is to trust God, love others, serve Him, and listen to our calling. Life is messy. It isn't perfect but it prepas us for our true home, Heaven. This life is a blink of an eye. I will do my job and help others discover God then when it is my time see my Daddy in Heaven. Life can be beautiful but you have to choose to see it that way. 

Friday, May 24, 2013

Another Night, Another Depression and Panic Attack

Yes, it happened again. Someone asked me if I beat my depression. I said almost. I am so close and I am getting better but that doesn’t mean I won’t an attack every now and then. I forgot how awful it was to feel depressed. It started with me collapsing on the floor feeling papralyzed. I felt nothing but this feeling of being sucked up by darkness. Then this pain came over me and I began to shake. Here comes another attack. I felt it take over and I lost control. I shoke, I cried, I choked, I felt awful. My mom and God immediately came to my side. As they spoke the old Kaitlin was being pushed away as the new, strong Kaitlin came out. I took control and though it took a lot of eneegry, strength, and time I beat it.

What started it was my past and my chilhoood. So dark, so scary, so painful. But I was reinded of how far I have come. The old Kaitlin would have let that attack take over and allow her to get pushed over the edge. Over the edge I cut my back bite my arms, basically do anything to release the pain. All I could think of back then was killing myself. Instead, i saw the pure light of my loving Father, God. “Times are tough right now. With everything you have gone through it’s normal to have another attack. Don’t feel like you’re degressing. Think ahead of this moment and picture the future you will have with me. Think of the smiling faces of the once depressed teenagers. Think of the loud voices of the once quiet, speechless, and abused teenagers. You will do great things will me. Don’t give up.” said God. So I didn’t. I grit and bear through the pain and now I am here writing this.

Depression and the past is a beast but with God it’s grip on you will completely loosen. If you are going through hell think about how far you have come. Why give up now? Through trials comes triumph! You can and will get through this. Know God loves you and as you’re going through the hell that this corrupt world has created know God is smiling, so proud of you. He has held me through everything and will continue to.

I am coming home this weekend to NYC. Couldn’t be better timing considering all that happening in my life. New York is a place where my dream are right in front of my face. I forget about all the troubles and the past becuase this is my bright future. A future that no one will take away from me. Yes I am in pain but this weekend it will all disapear. I am not letting “him” take any power. For know I am letting go of the pain and enjoy the blessiings God has placed right in front of me. I love you my Daddy in Heaven! Togeher we will get throuhg this. Broadway here I come!

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Night God Spoke To Me(Never Lose Hope)

As I am watching 'Rent'(for those who don't know what this is it's my ma and I's favorite broadway show made into a movie) sitting next to my mom I begin to cry.  I know from Go, that will be me soon. When I graduate I will go to NYU, get on broadway, then open up an organization for depressed and abused teenagers.

This has been a crazy, emotionally draining, long, exhausting, painful, eye opening experience, but I wouldn't change one single thing. All of this has made me the women I am today because of God and all the angels He has put in my life. I want to thank the followers of God and I's blog. You've been apart of this journey as well and seen it all unfold. I am not to the end of my joinery. Life is a journey not a destination. It gets really scary at times but not if you have God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit on your side. Once you've accepted them you're invisible. I am living proof of this. What my father did.... it's truly mind bottling. It breaks my heart, slaps me in the face, keeps me up at night, causes suicidal thoughts but not any more. I won't give that small guy any more power over me. I thought when I finally remembered what he did.. I thought I would go into a deep depression. I have already been there and it's not a place I want to visit but I didn't. I finally how "thrown up" all the toxic sins in my body from Mr. Kwiatkowski. Now I am slowly becoming free. I am not over it yet but I see light at the end of the tunnel. You best believe the ending is always the hardest. Things will get messy and more feelings will come up, but never again will I cut or be suicidal. I can say proudly and with a smile on my face I am 13 days clean from cutting.

Being sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused, or physical abused is painful in more ways then one. It brings the what seems like infinite darkness into your life. You feel like it's your fault. You feel as if you deserved it. You feel wrong, guilty, worthless, unloved, and uncared for. All these thoughts ran through my head. I felt like no one would love me so I decided not to eat and attempt to be anorexic. It worked sadly. I would count every calories. I would eat something then spit it out. It was the only thing I felt I had control over. Then I was in a relationship and was insecure. I was attached to him until May 8, 2013. My life is getting on the right track. Just like you I had no hope but then God reached His hand out to me. The life or death choice is "Will you take it?"

Know this, it isn't your fault. Whoever was abusing is sick in the head and doesn't know how to love. How could I go on and face people when my one father didn't love me. Hell, now he hates me. Does it hurt? A little but I am loved by God, the King of kings, the Savior, the Redeemer, and your true Father who sees you as His princess. You will get through this. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Holding On But Slipping

I put everything out there. I mean my life is an open book and my deepest darkest secrets are here for anyone to see. It's hard, painful, and embarrassing writing all of this. I don't write anything for attention, sympathy, or to get revenge. I write because in all 15 years of my life I have never had a voice; however, the real reason I write is to be the voices of others. Life is full of demonds and sin. I am here to let anyone( people with depression, people with anexiy, anyone with a mental illness, or anyone who has been abused) you aren't alone and you're not a freak. I would be lying if I didn't say I look in the mirror and see a freak, a monster looking back at me.

I spent the entire morning thinking back to my life. It has been hell. I blocked out most of my childhood. The only memories I remember are abusive, dark, sick ones. I don't remember happy times or vacations with my family. I don't even remember the first time I went to Disney World. That is suppose to be so magical.. I wouldn't know the feeling. See the abuse didn't even hurt. I don't just mean physically but also emotionally and mentally. You know when you have a terrible accident and you broke your arm or cut your leg and you don't remember the feeling of when you got it but you are in severe pain. You're left with the injury, the pain, and no memory of what happened. That's what happened to me. My abuse lasted 15 years now I am left with all the scars and pain. The aftermath all started in September and I left my dad to live with my mom. The pain attacks came with depression and suicidal thoughts. 

Right now my life is bittersweet. The good news is I see light at the end of the tunnel. Something I haven't seen and it's beautiful. I've been waiting for this and holding on to this view and while it's close it's also so far. This is the most painful part. All the memories are here. I no longer have a relationship  with my father and I will never. I know you're reading this Mr. Kwiatkowski and know this. You took my child and innocence away. You're so sick and I couldn't be more angry at you. I am not thanking for what you've but rather what God's done. Because of all the hell you've put me through I have been a strong, independent, young women on God. Once I work through through the scars you left, I will not spend one minute thinking about you. I don't see you as my father and never will. It's sad you won't to see the strong person I have become to be. I have so many dreams that I will make come true. You won't be there when I open my organization for depressed and abused teenagers. You won't walk e down the isle. You won't get to hold my newborn. Know the daughter you raised turned into a kick ass young women who is loving and determined. My great charter is no thanks to you but my beautiful mother and God who has changed me. I hated the person you raised me to be. She is sick, mean, sexual, crude, judgmental, rasist, arrogant, and ignorant. That girl is dead and a young women of Christ took her place. I will no longer let you hurt me and NO more tears will be shed. 

My father sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me. I used to hate talking to people but I felt dirty around them. Who wants to talk to someone whose father took advantage of her and sexually abused her. Then I realized that girl isn't me anymore. She is long gone. I will get through this and thrive all thanks to God. My ugly, dark past has made me who I am today. I hated the old me you, Mr. Kwiatkowski made me to be but I love the new Kaitlin Kwiatkowski who my mom, consoler, teacher, voice teacher,best friend, and God have shaped me to be.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Journey of A Survivor

Well you have read it all. You have taken this journey with me and for that I thank you. I thank everyone who is supporting me. It was started with a girl coming from what she thought was a normal family. That 12 year old girl started to open her eyes and see what's really going. The second she moved out of that man of my mother was married to's house that when reality hit hard. I was diagnosed with depression. I went through these unexplainable "attacks". We later found out they were panic attacks and their severity was due to my father's abuse which I didn't realize I was even a victim. I still thought my father was super dad. Now I know that couldn't be further from the truth.

The attacks increased, the demonds came with a depression, and the suicidal thoughts came out. I was hospitalized and thought I hit rock bottom... not the case. Then I was diagnosed with not only depression but aniexty, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. After a short amount of time I realized I was physically abused, emotionally abused, and verbally abuse. Meanwhile I was struggling to have some type of relationship with my father. This journey has all been one big storm. I am finally at the peak of it when I found out I was sexually abused from my memory coming back. Now I am currently confused, exhausted, scared, angry and most of all I feel dirty. It's hard to call this person my father.

If I didn't have God in my life I know for a fact I would be a mess or dead. I would be a drug addict, partying non stop, drinking my life away, or sleeping around. Instead I am a survivor and a child of The Lord. Now the pain is still there. Now ever since I was a child no one payed attention to me. Everyone was walking on egg shells trying to please my father and try not to anger him. No one cared. I was alone and went on autopilot until I was 14 and moved out of my father's house and found God. See my father never loved me. He only saw me as a sex object. Not a 5 year old innocent girl who was his daughter. I was and I still am nothing to him.

I could let that fact eat me alive but I know I have a heavenly father who loves me dearly and perfectly. To have your own father take advantage of you like that.... I went through my whole life feeling like a dirty freak. Even though I was numb to all the pain because it's so intense I know I am veering to the end of the storm and I am a stronger Christian because of it. I tired to sit down and write how my past and abuse made me feel but I felt nothing. I am seeing this as a sign from God to rest. For the next two weeks I will not give the monster any power over me. I will live me life serving God and try my best not to cry over that scum and his terrible sins toward me. I have the control now and I chose to live my life the way God intended it to be.

Monday, May 13, 2013

When You Feel Like Giving Up

It's hard to even begin to describe my feelings. Pain, guilt, embarrassment, worthless, unloved. All I want to do is run and hide, but that would once again give him the power over me. After a 3 hour long therapy session I remembered and we revealed unspeakable things. I have been abused every single way possible. After we reveled the whole and honest truth I felt like throwing up. This is something I have to live with everyday. It's hard to face the world and people in general. I am far from normal and cry because that's all I want to be. My aunt said the most comforting thing to me. "There is no such thing as normal. Everyone has their own situations and problems." It made me think. God designed us differently. Every single one of us.. so what's normal? Well first off it's all bull. We all have different crosses to bear. So that was nice to hear but that didn't even begin to heal my giant, gaping wound. Today I didn't even think about dying. That is one of the most amazing sentence I have written and said out loud. I will never lose hope because once that's gone it's a downward spiral that I have been down too many times.

See I feel like when I walk around school or in a public place I feel like all people see is my wound. They only see how monsterous my dad is, how sick I was, my dark past. I was and still am mortified. But I am writing this so I can wake up and read this everyday. While it takes everyone ounce of my being to get out of bed this will bring hope into the begin of a day with endless possibilities.

"I am strong. I made it through hell. I made it through the sexual, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. I am a survivor. My joinery isn't over but I am now safe and I can heal. It is painful and while living in the present can be wonderful it can also kill. When I am totally forget about my father, hurt, and past I tell myself to take a deep breath, thank God, and soak up every second. Well when a day like today rolls around and you feel like dying, choking, throwing up, and whatever else I think about my future. I will use all of this suffering and change it into something amazing. God is with me EVERY step of the way. I don't think of that man who lived in my house as my 'father'. I only see God as my father. He is your father too. He is perfect, loves you no matter what, never leaves you, and will never let you down. He gives the hardest battle to His strongest soldiers. I have said repeatedly that I am going to open up a organization to help depressed or abused teenagers. I am going through this hell so another little girl who isn't as strong doesn't have to. Finally, I think of how strong I will be when this is all done. Think to that moment when you are older and healthy. You will look back at the darkness which is dar away, smile, and say "I survived".

The hell I won't through with my ex literally brought my heart into a million pieces. I didn't understand why God would let that happen but now I understand. He could never be with me. I am too much for him. By us breaking up God protected Him and taught me how to be strong, independent, and only rely on Him. Also, my father is a version of Satan himself. Why was he my parent? I still don't know but I trust God 100%. Yes, they are days when I feel like I can't go on any longer but God pulls me through. I have gone through too much to give up now. The end is in sight. I will never give up. With God you can it through anything.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Surviving The Aftermath of Abuse

It's hard to say what's worse... being abused.... or the emotions after you've been abused. Don't get me wrong, being abuse is a personal hell here on Earth and truly a work on Satan; however, when you have escaped your abuser and are safe, you're left with all these raw, confusing emotions. You're left without physical and mental scars. You're left with panic attack, insomnia, lowered self-confidence, fear, suicidal thoughts, and feelings you can't even describe. This isn't a post telling you to do this, this, and this and you will beat these feelings. I still live with these. All I am here to say is you aren't alone in these scary feelings and there are a few things that can pull you through.

Confusion. That's my life right now. Fear of the unknown. Everyday to wake up and face the world is a struggle. When you are sexually abused the safest thing is to turn all the blame onto yourself. Yourself can smack you across the face like your abuser can. So that's what I have done. It's wrong and I am working through it. I remember telling my mom things like, "I can never be with a guy because I am dirty, guilty, and what guy wants to be with a girl whose father sexually abused her." or "I should have stopped him, it's my fault." The worst one is "I was asking for it." All of these comments seem so true to me but deep down I know they couldn't be any further from the truth. First off the abuse started around 6. What six year old "asks for it"? I guess for me it's easier to blame myself then think of my father as a sick person. It would make more sense if something was wrong with me but deep down I know there isn't anything wrong. The scary questions we don't ask ourselves(and these questions don't just apply for sexual abuse but abuse of any kind) why did they do that to me, I thought they loved me I mean it is my own parent? It's scary to know the parent that raised you and you thought loved you so much could hurt you in the worst way possible.

Another thing I know is true deep down. I couldn't stop him! I thought was normal. That was my life so when I was young I didn't know what was going on and if it was right or wrong. But now I am being strong and doing something about it. I am giving the six year old me a voice and I won't be silenced. I am also giving anyone AT ALL who has been abused a voice. What happened to you wasn't okay and no matter the circumstance, you didn't deserve that. You have a right to stand up for yourself.

The final thing was guys.... well actually people in general. I hate walking around feeling dirty. I hate thinking everyone sees me as a freak. The worst is when I look in the mirror and see a freak looking back at me. Luckily one day I know I will look in that mirror and not see a victim of abuse but a strong, bad ass survivor. God will send the right man into my life who will come to know everything about me and still love me.

Right now very little in my life makes sense, but there are a few statements and truths I hold on to that allow me to go on with my life. I know God loves me no matter what has happened. Just because this happened to me doesn't mean God hates me. He didn't make this happen to me but rather allowed this to happen because He knew I was strong enough to handle it. I thank God for my past because it has given me a future. After moving to New York City, being on broadway, and just living I will open up an organization for depressed teens and abused teens to help them find hope and God. Everyday, the only reason I can wake up, is because I know everything will be okay one day. God has great plans for me and loves me. I will work through all of this and be stronger because of it. God loves me, that's all I need to know.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Trying To Be Confident In Highschool

It makes me so angry and sad to see people judging everyone that walks by. I feel like the nature of a teenager is to be insecure. Well if you live with a dysfunctional family, dark past, or mental illness the insecurity you feel will sky rocket. In 8th grade I was the most insecure girl ever. I would do anything to fit in. I wanted to go to all the football games, talk to the right people, say the rights things, and my looks were the most important thing to me. Then I found God and I realized I was loved for just being myself. For being Kaitlin who cries, who has the weirdest laugh, who dresses differently, who loves everyone and wants to tell the whole worth how she loves them, and who talks in weird, random voices. That's me and I hated myself for being that way. I hated how affectionate I was to anyone. If I could hug everyone I see... no doubt I was. I hated my cackling laugh. I hated my boxy body, but now all of the things I hated are now things I love about myself.

I would be lying to say I don't get insecure sometimes because I do! At times I get scared and clingy, or at times I will catch myself trying to fit in. I found myself walking into a new group of people and going back to my old ways. I gossiped and did whatever I could to fit in. I was and I am so mad at myself. I realized today I don't need to fit in. We were all made differently, specially, and uniquely so why are we all trying to fit this unrealistic mold the society has created. Honestly, I am 5'2, 125 lbs, I love kittens, I am super emotional, I love hugs and kisses, I am not afraid to be honest and upfront with you, and I love to make a fool of myself. I am slowly learning to let go and be me.

I am thankful for my problems because it's opened my eyes and helped me realize the world is so much bigger then high school. None of the 'he said, she said' matters in a couple of years. If you were popular in high school and got a ton of likes on your pictures, great. Wanna a cookie? In college it won't matter. So stop worrying about how he doesn't like you. Screw him God has a better guy picked out for you. Don't worry about not being able to slow dance at prom because you will be able to slow dance at your wedding with your prince charming. I am not saying this is an easy task but high school is great and freeing when you don't care! God loves you for you! He gave you special qualities for a reason. Embrace your differences and stand proud. I am working on not caring what people say about mw and not beating myself up for being me. Yeah I can be crazy at times but that's okay. I am human.

Never judge someone because you have no idea what they are going through. I know many people don't realize how much I go through on a daily basis with everything. Don't be that person whose comment just pushes someone over the edge. We are all God's children, let's love each other. In the end we will be old, wrinkly, and grey which is awesome because that means youve lived a long life. What do you want people to remember you by? When you are laying on your death bed the amount of instagram likes won't matter. What will matter is your loving friends and family around you and your relationship with God.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A GIrl's Journey of Getting Over Her Heartbreak

Every day I woke up in excruciating pain. I have been through a wildness for over a year that no one will ever understand. We all have our own stores and heart breaks. This is mine.

My joinery through the wilderness has included heartbreak, rejection, pain, suffering, and loneliness. The loneliness that a girl feels when she doesn't have a father is like a pain of no other. I have been called clingy, needy, and crazy. Well when you've been abused for all of your life by the man every girl is suppose to look up to have can you not be needy? You have never experienced a man's love. It makes me sick when people judge others without understanding their situation.

I have been through it all.  I have hit rock bottom more then once. Sadly, I am at rock bottom once again. The only prayer I can say is, "God I am so broken. Please don't let go of me despite my feelings towards you." Every time I think of a dad I think of a dad and his daughter tossing a baseball back and forth. You know I've never been daddy's little girl. Then I found God. My faith journey hasn't been perfect. There has been ups and downs and currently I am experiencing a down. I won't give up on God but I'm so hurt and confused. I know through my wilderness God is teaching me life long lessons. One lessons has come through suffering and crying myself to sleep.

In the midst of all of the craziness with my father I thought I found a prince charming. A guy can actually be nice.... and care about me. This what so new and one of the best feelings. Any girl who doesn't have a father knows there's a huge void of needed to be loved. That was being filled for a while. Sometimes I wish we had never crossed paths, but I know God put him in my life.

So I will give you a girl who has been through abuse and fatherless.. I will give you her point of view on a classic high school heart break. Now this poor kid had no idea what he was getting himself into when he met me. I wish I could go back to the moment we met and tell him to run for the hills but he didn't. This was not a normal high school relationship. This meant so much more to this girl. She had never felt protected and always was scared, but when he held her she felt like nothing in the world could hurt her. Just as things were amazing she thought it was too good to be true. If every guy in her life hurt her then why wouldn't her boyfriend.

Ended out of fear was one of her biggest mistakes. 4 months later she still cries herself to sleep. I know it seems pathetic, and maybe it is, but realizing how much your father hates you eats you alive. All you want is for that one person to care about you. The worst was letting him in completely and trusting him. To tell him everything about you, things you have never ever told anyone before. Like I said, poor kid. Like any normal boy he moved on to another girl. If I was a normal teenager and had a great childhood I would have moved on as well. Not the case. It's fair to say I got my father and my ex mixed together. I took all my anger out on him because I knew he wouldn't hit me in return.

Those stupid, long paragraphs texts. I wish I could take everyone back. He deserved to be happy. No one should have to deal with me. All I wanted was him to understand. One of the best feelings is to have someone know everything about you, yet still love you. It obvious the men in my life as missing in action. It is going to be so hard but I will work so hard to move on. I need to get independent. See every time things got really bad with my family or depression I ran to him hoping he could fix it. It's not possible a high school boy would know what to say. I apologize for everything.

I will not give into the temptation of texting him and letting him be. I will work on getting better with my relationship with God. Being the crazy ex girlfriend sucks, but I know I will look back on this and laugh. There will still be nights when I think of the awful things my father did but instead of turning to my phone I will pray. Being hurt by someone you love with all of your heart is the worst feeling.

Monday, May 6, 2013

I Just Wanted You to Care

This little girl grew up with a father who treated her like she was nothing. She went throughout her day knowing she wasn't loved by the man she looked up to. I get made fun of for being clingy to my ex. How can you blame me? I needed love. I have been treated like dirt and abused. I was never daddy's little girl but rather someone daddy can take all his anger out on. To feel unloved by your family and feel invisible is awful. All you want is someone to hug you and say I love you. I felt like if that one person said it then everything would be fine. Well it's not fine as I was on my bed shaking, crying, and just wanting a man that I never had hold me and tell me they love me. It's the worst to give your heart to someone and it gets broken. It's the worst to be surrounded by people that love you but that matters is that person who doesn't love you. It's the worst to be the crazy ex who no one wants to be around. All I want is love. I know God is there, right now I am just lost. I feel alone and useless. Another night of being rejected. Another night of crying myself to sleep. I can't wait until I am older and moved on from all of this. A time when I realize God's love is enough. I can be independent and happy. I have faith it will happen right now I am just going through a down. I am embarrassed to pray because I know's Gods love yet I am still chasing all the wrong things. The only prayer I can say is, "God don't let me go." Having most the men in your life not care about you is so painful. I am in still there. Iwill tell you how it goes when I make it to the other side.

Living Without a Father

A narcissist is a specialist at manipulating. I believed for 13 years my father was super dad. One day God woke me up from my naive little world. Slowly but surly I have found out the truth about my father. My heart broke. It's still broken. A person who hates me and has abused me is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of before I go to bed. My own father... could care less. I am still remembering terrible things he did to me. I shake out of fear of my father. The times he made me cuddle with him or he would stand over me a scream. He leave me all alone or call me a bitch. That is in my mind 24/7.

Honestly, I grew up without a father rather an abuser. Now it's just my mom and I. I have never really had a strong male figure in my life who loved and cared about me. There was this void so I ran to boys. My heart broke even more to the point where I just wanted to give up. My relationship with God isn't perfect. I have ups and downs but He has never left me. He has and never will hurt me. I ran to the park and sat down and just talked to God. I am so blessed and should look at what I have rather then what I don't have. I never realized how far I have come. Back in December I would have severe panic attacks every day. The last panic attack I have had was two weeks ago. God has pulled me through.

In the current moment Im in so much pain.  Do you know the feeling to have the person you love with all of your heart not even care about you? It's one of the worst feelings. Right now I am at such a low point and I am so hurt. It's painful to get out of bed. I feel like bursting out into tears but I am so numb I can't. I am not giving up though. I am praying for a miracle.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

One of The Most Important Lessons Ive Learned

God has taught me so much through all of my experiences one of the most important lessons Ive learned is: your family doesn't just consist of your relatives. In all honesty, I don't really have a father. He to me is a stranger who has hurt me beyond belief. There's such a huge void I felt. When my parents got divorced my brother took my dads side and that was sadly the end of our relationship. I lost half of my family in the blink of an eye.

Not only has God's love filled my heart but also my friends around me. Between school, Younglife, and the high school play I am in I recognize how blessed I am! So I may not have a great father and he is missing in action, but my friends have become my family. Honestly if I were to name all of them it would take forever but God has brought some pretty amazing people into my life who I thank Him for everyday! This world is full of loving and caring people. It took me a while to realize. I needed to stop focusing on what I didn't have and focus on the blessings I have right in front of me. One day I am going to personally thank each and everyone of you! Last night on stage I didn't think once about my dad. I was free and glowing. The stage is my home and some of the cast has become my family.

School has also become a home where I get to see my family almost everyday. God is so great. He has put these angels in my life to support me. Things are probably at their worst and I am right in the center of the storm but I refuse to lose faith in God. My mental illnesses and past has shaped me into a young women of God and I am grateful for them. It has been long, hard journey but I wouldn't change anything about it. I have learned life long lessons, I know what I want to do with my future, I have met some of the most amazing people, I have gotten closer to my best friend, and most importantly I have grown into my relationship with Christ. Suffering has a purpose so don't give up please. I will always be here for you.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Living Life the Way God Intended It To Be

This past week has been almost unbearable. The threats, the memories, the hurt. I am about over board and I need a break. I am one strong girl but right now I can't take it anymore. Tonight is the opening night of a musical I am in. I have no idea where all of this chaos happened this week but that monster has hurt me enough. I won't let him take away this weekend from me. I am giving this all up to God and just enjoying my performance without thinking of the pain I feel or my dark past.

Trying to figure out what how I was abused and revealing more terrible memories I blocked out is exhausting and to say the least pure hell. Life can throw you so many curve balls. If you would have told me two years ago this would all happened there's no way Id believe it. The depression, being hospitalized, having my first heart break, and being abused I know the only reason I keep pushing is because of God. There is plenty of confusing ugliness in my life but this weekend I choose to look at the beauty. Spring is finally here. I was blessed with a talent to sing, dance, and act. The feeling I get when I am on stage is like no other. I am surrounded by amazing, loving people. God is good and I will make it through this awful time.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Trying to Be Strong When You Are at Your Weakest

I feel like this is all too much. My life is terrifying right now. I go through life trying so darn hard not to let my situation define me. I wake up every morning and have to pray to God just so I can smile and mean it. Everyone and everything is against me right now. I have received so much hate for this blog. Finally little Kaitlin speaks up about everyone hurting her and I become the attacker. I have written nothing but the truth on here. No one likes to be faced with their sins but I was the one on the other side of them. I was the one you screamed at. I was the one you left all alone to get drunk. I was the one you ignored when I needed you.

Things, bad things, are going on right now. I'm being threatened to take this down. I won't. I only post the truth like I said. It's amazing how much someone can go through yet hide it. People think you are some super hero and untouchable, but their words and actions cut deep. This week, well let's just say for a long time I life pushed me down and I have had many people just kick me despite the pain. I am amazed I still manage to smile. Shoot, I am amazed I am still living. It's all because of God. I know all of this pain has a purpose. I have worked through so many panic attacks. I have resisted killing myself. I haven't cut in weeks. I won't lose faith because I know God will pull me through. This world can be sick at times but know it's only temporary. My real home with my real father is waiting for me. In Heaven is why I keep pushing. I have gone through too much to give up now.

People see me as this happy, carefree girl. I mean that is one side but there is also this side that is a little girl who has been hurt too many times. Next time you insult someone or hurt them think about what they could be going through. It;'s shocking that some people know what I am going throng and still chose to make it worse and put me through more hell. Long story short, this blog is going no where! I am here to stay and unlike little girl Kaitlin I have a voice and I won't be shut up.

Thank You

Thank you to anyone who has read my blog. It's honestly changed my life. I don't write this to get attention or hurt anyone's feelings. In my home I never had a voice. Everyone was getting abused but no one said a word about it. I will be quiet no more. Now I finally have a voice. To everyone who has said I have helped them, thank you. You have changed my life the most. God brought me to this blog for so many reasons but the biggest one is because I realize I didn't go through all of this hell for no reason. My life truly is an open book. I do this so everyone who has depression, aniexty, or a dark past so they know theres is hope. If I can get through this, so can you! Together you, me, and God will get through anything.

Thank you for taking this journey with me, hearing my story, and not judging. This blog has done wonderful things and has got me through my depression. I hope I have given at least one person hope. I hope I have given just one person the courage to stand up against their abuser. Your past doesn't define you. Every morning wake up and choose to not give your abuser the power over you any longer. Everyday choose to be happy and thank God for just waking you up. It's easy to do this when you're not the midst of the hurricane. Sadly, I am once again but this time I am stronger! I will not this get me down but shape me to be a better young women. God doesn't give you what you can't handle! Never stop pushing because life can  be so beautiful.