Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Weakness into Strength

I used to think the time I was strongest was when I lived with just my dad and my brother a year ago. I was always home alone dealing with an alcoholic. I cleaned and did laundry. I woke up my dad up and had to make my dinner. I ran the house alone. I thought I was so strong and independent. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was weak and dying inside.

I would say I am now at my strongest point although I also feel at my weakest. It may not make any sense but because of my depression I had to learn how to strong real fast or I wouldn't steal be alive. People don't understand suicide. It's almost like it isn't a choice. Your mind, body, and heart tell you to do it. You have to dig so deep and grounded in God to push away those thoughts. Depression is a daily battle of staying alive but if you're still reading this that means you're alive! WhenI was at my weakest I now see it as a blessing. God scooped me up and molded me into the person I am today. I thank Him for depression... not all time. There are times when I cry out," Why me?" but I was given this for a purpose. He knew I was strong enough to handle this. I will go through all of these attacks and suicidal thoughts that way some other little girl in the future doesn't. I will learn the survival skills and share it with that girl.

Life isn't always nice to us, and sometimes it's brutal. It makes us stronger. I am learning so much some good, some bad. I realized that everyone is going to let you down but God never will. As I go through therapy I realize more about my dad and it's sad. He never really loved me. There was a time where he wanted to spend all this time with me, but it wasn't because he wanted to be in my presence and get closer to me. No, it was more about trash talking my mom so I would never talk to her again. He did this to hurt her and to make sure he wouldn't lose me because he is afraid to be alone.

This week has been tough and I do feel like I am drowning but I hope that God will reach out His glorious hand save me at the right time. I will never lose hope. I have come so far. I still have a lot to work through but God is with me every step of the way. No fear, just faith.

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