Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Tears into Triumph

I was shown every night I meant nothing. That I was worthless and unlovable. I would watch my dad leave every after noon knowing I would fall asleep alone in a empty. Knowing I would have to wake a a hungover father just to take his daughter to school. My brother was never home. No one knew what was going on. I was forced to be the wife of the house and take care of everyone but no one was taking care of me. It was pure hell and I felt like no one in the world cared. No one asked how I was or showed me they loved me. I was just some depressed freak.

Now that I am out of that environment I have to work through the past. I am blessed to be living in home with a loving mother. Now it's my time to live through nightmares and memories I have blocked out. Answer question like why my father did those terrible things. Why no one came to my rescue. Honestly, this past month has been hell. The night mares are reoccurring. I was focusing on three men who could care less about me and it broke my heart. Then I got some needed tough love from my angel, aka best friend. I was letting all those hurtful men have power over me. Why wasn't God's love enough? Why did I need my ex's approval to feel better?

I felt like God was so far away and I couldn't have been more wrong. God was flooding my life with people who genuinely love and care about me. All the warms hugs and unexpected sweet texts got me through this month. Thank you to everyone who supports me. I have gotten close to some amazing people and I am so grateful. I was letting my depression become my identity. I was letting myself drown when God was giving me the power to swim to the top. I am done letting my past, these unloving men, and my disease define me. I find identity in Jesus Christ my Lord & Savior. He is such a cool, loving, chill guy who is my best friend. I am God's child. I am His child who He took time to personally shape my in my mother's womb. Whose loving thoughts about out number the grains of sand on this earth. I will be His light and bring hope to others. Screw depression. Screw anxiety. Screw my past. Screw insecurities. My ex wants nothing to do with me and has turned his back on me. Okay it's finally time to move on. I loved him and we spent an amazing 7 months together but God has different plans for me. I am ready to take on whatever He gives me with a positive attitude!

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