Saturday, April 13, 2013

Suicidal Teenager

Tonight has been pure hell and I know the only reason I am alive writing this is by the grace of God. I was ready to end it. The people I care most about could care less about me. I don't know what I did to have them turn their backs to me. I try so hard to be perfect. I tried to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend, the perfect sister. No matter what it isn't enough. I needed you and you turned your back on me. At that I just wanted to die. I am just some crazy girl who no one wants to deal with. I am not the perfect daughter, girlfriend, or sister. No, I am the crazy daughter, girlfriend, and sister. I am an embarrassment that everyone runs away from. The pain was too big to bear and I was going to end it. Like I said I wouldn't be typing this if it wasn't for God.

He talked to me and got me to a place where I was about to stab myself or overdose. First off, this place on Earth that I call "home" is only temporary. My real home is in Heaven with God. God told me He would never give me what I couldn't handle. When I felt like breaking and committing suicide I cried out to God and just as He promised He swooped up and took the weight of the world off my shoulders for a while. So maybe the people who I love the most don't love me back.

I need to stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on what I do have. But, that doesn't mean I still can't be sad and feel alone. Sometimes I even feel worthless. My own dad used me in so many ways. Made me feel wrong, worthless, unloved, uncared for, and gross. He never loved me. Some of my family chose to sit by and watch. Then you came into my life and I fell in love. Someone finally cared. Then you turned you back on me out of embarrassment and broke my heart. I have learned you can't rely on people. Everyone is going to let you down. I couldn't even cry to my mom because I needed to give her a break. So when I was a great daughter to my dad he yelled  came home drunk, yelled at me, and chased me around the house; however, when I was an awful daughter to my mom she took a leave at her job just to take care of me. She deserves a break.

So it was all me tonight. I reached out to you. I needed you. I was rejected once again and that was it. I was ready to go. God stopped me. I can't even count the number of times I have tried to kill myself and not been able. God stops me every time! He is always there when I need Him and He never leaves. I was saved. Do I feel great? Not at all but I know I have a purpose here. My heart is broken and certain people continue to break it more. I can't handle this.

Life is like a race. I was at a nice steady pace not even breaking a sweat until reality and depression hit me. Then I started to jog.  Well jogging turned into walking. Then walking turned into crawling. Now I have stopped and God is literally dragging me without any of my help. I cannot do anything anymore. I am broken and I will just let God drag me across that finish line. I have all my trust in Him and all my hope in Him. I am still down and in pain though so next time you see me I would really appreciate a hug.

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