Sunday, April 14, 2013

Suicidal Teenager Pt. 2

All I want is someone to care. That's it. My dad left me every night to go out and get drunk. My brother knew what was happening but acted like everything was okay. No one give a shit about me in that house. It was just me alone wondering what's wrong with me. Wondering why no one wanted to be with me. I thought I was a freak and a terrible daughter & sister. I felt like no one in the world cared. Then my ex-boyfriend came into my life. Finally, in the first time in my life I felt loved by a man. I felt safe and cared for. I thought it was too good to be true. I got scared, pushed him away, and broke up with him. Alone I was again.

I couldn't take it I needed someone. I tried to fill the void of love with my ex. Instead of making it better I actually felt worse. Now instead of two guys not caring there were now three. I needed him and cried out to him and he turned his back. Last night was hell. It was a smack in the face that running to guys isn't going to make me feel better. My dad, brother, and ex knew what I was going through. Knew I went to the hospital for trying to commit suicide and still didn't care. 

I woke up this morning feeling awful and like I could break at any moment. I am so angry at God. You caused all of this, the least you could do is allow me to feel your presence, but no. It's little Kaitlin all alone against her dark past and abusive father. The entire day I felt like jumping in front of a car. No wonder they don't care about me or want to talk to me. I am too much for them and I'm an embarrassment. Who wants to be associated with a suicidal girl? That all changed when I read "What on Earth Am I Here For?" this afternoon. I was pissed because God felt a million miles away but I learned so much from reading.

God was tired of me praying for Him to send a guy into my life who can love me or having my ex actually love and care. I didn't even realize I was hurting Gods feelings. His love isn't enough? I was mad my prayers weren't being answered but that's because that's not what God wants for me. It's obvious my ex wants NOTHING to do with me and maybe that's for a reason. I realized God wants me to be on my own and strong. I need to fall in love with God because I fall in love with some immature boy. So that part made sense but I will still confused.

Do you ever feel like you are completely alone. I am a brat. I have so many people texting/tweeting me saying they love me and they care for me yet I feel alone. It's because I am focusing only on who doesn't care. I need God. I will die without him because it feels as if no one loves me. I read that God last night was testing my faith. I didn't feel His presence yet He was still there. I felt like He too turned His back on me just like everyone else but He didn't. I didn't kill myself because God was watching over me and wouldn't allow me too. 

I am going through a time where I feel distant from God but I will hold on hope. Hope hope hope. That is what I live by. I know God is with me but I just can't feel Him. All of this suffering is for a purpose. Think about this. When you and another person go through a tragedy together don't feel closer to that person. That's what God is doing with me. We are going through this together. I have been a christian for about 9 months. God wants to grow closer with me and have my faith grow so He is testing me. He is pulling away and making it my turn to pull closer. I trust Him and I will never stop pushing.



3 comments:

  1. I admire you so much.

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  2. Thank you so much. All of this strength comes from God.

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