Maybe if he likes me I will feel better about myself. I won't feel like a worthless loser. This is all that runs through my mind. I have never had a man in my life who has shown me they actually love and care about me. My father would leave me all alone to go out and get drunk. My brother knew what was going on but acted like I was invisible. This need for love got bigger and bigger every time my dad called me a name or chased me around.
Then I found a guy who actually cared. Who actually loved me... so I thought. Things got ugly and I went crazy ex-girlfriend. This was the one guy who made me feel worth something. Who I loved with all of my heart. Who would hold me and everything in the world seem alright. I lost that and it terrified me. I poured my heart out to him. He knew every detail of my life. He knew my depression was getting worse but he left me. He completely left my life. Another guy doesn't care. I would text him, crying, telling him I needed him. He has already moved on to another girl and here's little pathetic me still crying myself to sleep. I see him and he acts as if I am not even there.... just like my dad and brother. I surely thought something was wrong with me. Maybe my dad was right. Maybe I am just a bitch. Who could love a bitch? Who could love a girl whose father violated her? Why would anyone love that?
I have been struggling. Some days are good but then I see his smiling face and my heart breaks. I think almost every girl can relate to feeling like she needs a guy. I didn't use to be this way. Why isn't God enough for me? How selfish am I to run after someone who could care less whether I live or die when God sent his only son to die for me. I am trying so hard to move on. I need to be okay with being alone.
I know God's love for me is pure and perfect. I know that no guy will ever love me like God will. I just need to start believing it and living it out. Ladies, life is a roller coaster but God is constant. I ran away from him thinking I would feel better with a guy. It back fired and I actually feel worse. I am single so I can devote my whole heart to God. I remember how whole I felt with Him... I miss that. I turned my back on God and payed the price. I went through brutal pain and still do. Luckily, God is a loving God and He will accept me back with open arms. I am done relying on my ex to make me happy. I miss him like crazy but I know God has someone different picked out for me and I will just patiently wait for him. In the mean time I will give me heart over to God where it rightly belongs.