Saturday, April 20, 2013

My Testimony, The Truth Behind The Smile

I have been hurt too many times to count. I have been beaten down. I have been hospitalized. I have had my heart broken an endless amount. I have wanted to die but kept pushing. This is my story.

I grew up knowing who God was but not really knowing Him personally or even wanting to. I had what looked like the picture perfect life. I had two parents, a brother, and a beautiful house. To everyone we looked like the perfect family but that couldn't be farther from the truth. At the age of 11 I thought my life had been nothing but perfect. I was couldn't be more wrong. I blocked out every bad thing that happened to me because remembering was too painful.

My childhood consisted of unspeakable things. Memories that still haunt me. When my parents divorced reality hit hard. My fantasy world came crashing down and I finally 'woke up' to realize my family was breaking. The divorce process was all a blur. Let's just say there are things that no one knows that I won't talk about due to fear. My father, who seemed like a super hero at the time, "saved" me from me cheating, drug addict mom. My relationship with my father was built on lies. He lied and  created a false image of my mom to make my brother and I hate her. It worked. My best friend was gone in the blink of an eye. How is this possible? Let's just say my father has a way with words.

When the divorce process was done I went to live with my brother and father. I had 0 contact with my mom and was trying to figure out how my best friend could do all these terrible things my father said she did. Every night I would cry my self to sleep in an empty house. A little 13 year old taking care of herself, dying on the inside, while everyone turned the other cheek. No one came to my rescue. My father would come home drunk and chase my around the house. I liked it better when he came home at 4 am. My brother would escape and never come home. I needed my mom.

Every attempt I tried to see my mom another lie created by my father would bring us further apart. Slowly we got closer. The more time I spent away from my father the more my eyes were opened to the truth. My super hero dad wasn't so super after all. He had a personality disorder called narcissism. This meant he was incapable of loving anyone but himself. He was also physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I was a little girl put through war, by the grace of God made it out, but left with scars I am still dealing with.

Now that you know the background story I will tell you how my life changed forever last summer. My angel, or best friend, wanted me to go to some camp called Younglife. It was a camp about God. I couldn't be more against it. I knew there was a God but I was sure mad at him. He let me go through hell. Why should I pray to him!? Well I felt something pulling me to go. I went and had the best week of my life where I met life long friends and found Christ. I always wanted to be know. I always wanted someone to know everything about me. But I also wanted someone to love me. No one in their right mind would know my dark past and still love me. Jesus knew my dark past and flaws yet loved me with all of His heart.

When I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and wanted to be in a relationship with Him my life forever changed. I was soon after diagnosed with Depression, Panic Disorder, Post Tramatic Stress Syndrome, and Anexity. The effects of the divorce, my father, and childhood, and father finally came out. But through this downward spiral I wasn't alone. Because of all of my dieases and bad memories I got closer to God. Without Him I would have killed myself in the first month of depression. I wouldn't be writing this blog and you wouldn't have been reading it. Things weren't perfect but I was getting stronger. I would go through terrible, unspeakable panic attacks were I would shake, convulse, and choke. God always pulled me through. The attacks have lessened and I have worked through most of the trama. My father and I no longer speak which is for the best. My brother and I are strangers but I pray for him every day he will find God and experience what I experienced.

You know with depression and not knowing God I don't blame anyone for committing suicide. Your life seems so difficult and seems to have no purpose. Because I have God I know my suffering has a purpose. It's half the reason you're reading this. I also know this pain won't last forever. Sometime in the future I was in Heaven with the love of my life. My story still isn't done though. I am so glad my suicidal attempt failed. God wouldn't let me die because He isn't done working through me. I dream of moving to New York, being on Broadway for  a couple of years, then opening my own organization to help depressed teenagers find God and have hope. I thank God every day for my story because it has made me the person I am today. I still have a long way to go but I know God is on my side.

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