All alone wondering why no one would pay attention to her. This was my childhood. Heck, this was my life. All I wanted was for someone to pay attention to me. I have been abused from the age of 7-13 in more ways then one. No one came to my rescue. My family was so sacred of my dad we all said nothing. I thought what I was going through was normal. I thought the things that happened to me was typical because that's all I ever knew. That little, neglected, and abused girl had someone on her side all along. I asked myself how I made it through all that I have. I have tried to commit suicide 7 times and each time I was saved. God was watching over me when I was cursing His name in anger. I NEVER had someone love me like that.
I ran to boys. No more like sprinted and jumped right into their arms. Why was I searching when I had God? I don't need a man, hell no! I think it's so amazing that God has surrounded me with the strongest women ever. My mother, vocal coach, consoler, teacher, and my best friend. I admire and aspire to have the strength these women possess. I am going through so much right now. I am no longer alone. I am no longer in danger. I am no longer invisible, but why do I still have panic attacks? It's the little girl in me crying out for help. See when I was younger crying wasn't aloud. I wasn't supposed to be a "drama queen" and just supposed to suck it up. My dad was and is a monster. See but it wasn't safe to verbalize that. I could never express my loneliness... well apparently I am making up for the lost tears.
I was numb through most of my childhood and went into autopilot or survival mode. I haven't properly thanked God for pulling me out of my own personal hell. Now I am left with huge wounds to heal. Every attack I am dealing with the past, getting stronger, and getting that much closer to recovery. Now I am left with scars to heal. That takes strength. Strength I don't have; therefore, I lean on God. Unlike most the people in my life He won't let me down and He will never leave. I am not perfect in any way and I am not as strong as everyone thinks. I am scarred. How many attacks do I still have to go through? What if I don't make it through them? What if my dad comes back into my life? I can't answer any of these because I don't know the future and put all my trust in God's hands.
See this little girl is stronger then she thinks. I was part of family where every single one of us is broken and hurting. I had the guts and the strength to break first and prove that someone was wrong with the way we are living. The little girl who no one payed attention to saved the family. I have revealed my dad's true colors. Abuse is scary and leaves us with physical and mental scars but you are strong! God has got you even when you feel like He doesn't. I am done asking "Why me?" and instead thanking Him. Through this time & experience I have found myself. I have grown in Christ. I have laughed, cried, and screamed. I have learned life lessons I will keep with me forever and I found my calling. I am going through this so someone else doesn't have to. I am opening an organization to help depressed teenagers find hope in God.
Every once and a while that little girl gets scared and feels all alone. I have to remind myself I am safe and loved. This little girl survived sexual & emotional abuse and she is stronger because of it.