Yesterday was brutal. Honestly the sinner in me thought I was going to make it through. I thought either I was going to kill myself or the panic attack I was having would lead me to choke to death. Honestly I was broken and down on the ground. God was dragging me along and He never let go. It was a miracle I remained alive. Here's an idea of what I went through: I start to loose my breath and hyperventilate. My body shakes out of control and dark memories fill my head. I feel like my heart is breaking and the weight of the world pins me down. I feel alone and helpless. Even when I feel like God isn't there He pulls me through. There is no way I could have made it through yesterday without Him.
I experienced not one, not two, but three panic attacks yesterday that consisted of crying, heartbreak, and shaking. My two angels sent by God came to my side. My best friend, mom, and God were with me every step of the way. I am so grateful and don't deserve all they have done for me. In times when you feel alone and like no one on this planet can help you is when God is mod powerful. This morning I woke up with a smile on my face because I was still alive.
After taking with God I had a break through. God is a potter and I am His clay. He formed me before He even formed the Earth! Think about that. Before you were in your mother's womb He knew every detail of your life. He knew I would be going through depression, panic disorder, and post tramatic stress syndrome. Instead of being angry because I have all of these "issues" I actually see them as blessings. Every time I go through an attack I am stronger. Without my mental illness you wouldn't be reading this blog and I wouldn't have found God. I don't understand why my pain is so serve but I trust God has a plan and a purpose for all of it. Today I am giving everything(my worries, memories, and pain) up to Him. I will enjoy today carefree, knowing the creator of the universe who beat death has everything under control. I will experience everything He has planned for me today with a smile on my face. God is good.