Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Drowning

It has been one of those weeks. Actually let's try one of those months where nothing goes right. Everyday is a battle to stay alive and go about my day. Honestly, every single minute of the day I feel like breaking down and crying. I try to give it all up to God but obviously I'm not doing something right because I still feel like weight of the world is on my shoulders.

The only reason I haven't gone into the kind of depression where there is no return or killed myself is because I haven't lost hope. Yes, I did have 5 panic attacks. I do miss my ex like crazy. I do think about my dad every day and my heart breaks over all that he's done but I am still fighting. I know God will pull me through and put a huge smile on my face. Obviously I would love this "search and rescue mission" to speed up, butI know God's timing is perfect. Every day I remind myself  a couple of things:
-God is with me every step of the way
-the a purpose for all of my suffering
-Earth is my temporary home. I won't be here forever and when I leave I will go to Heaven where everything is perfect and I can actually hug God and look at him while he says, "I love you".

God never gives anyone what they can't handle. He must think I am a very strong girl because He has handed me a lot. I don't feel strong but I believe I am because God says so. I truly believe anyone can make it out of anything with God's help. Jesus beat death and He is on my side! That always makes me feel invincible. So yes, I am in so much pain but I won't stop pushing. God has put amazing people in my life to keep me going. To anyone who supports me words can't describe how grateful I am. God is good and this storm will pass. You can't have a rainbow without a little rain.

2 comments:

  1. Your writing is so inspirational. You've been through more than anyone I've ever met, and yet you're so faithful, strong, and brave. I need to thank you. What's happened to me doesn't even compare to you, but I was having a night where all my memories come at me, and they just keep coming. I have been bullied since I was in pre-school, and I have to sing in front of my choir, and I've never done that before for anyone. I'm terrified that if I'm awful, they'll start bullying me again just like in elementary school. I used to come home from school crying because the kids were so mean, and I wanted to be homeschool just to get away from them. I didn't have any friends until 5th grade and would walk around recess all by myself because no one would play with me. Since junior high, I've become better at making friends, and through my hobbies and friends have become less shy. But lately, I've been bullied and picked on by upperclassmen, and it's a lot to find out that all these kids who hardly know you hate you. I don't want the bullying to start again, but reading your pieces helps me, even if its just by letting me know that someone is there who won't judge me and can help me through this. I'm not depressed, but lately I've been struggling with coping with my past bullying now that I'm being bullied again, and memories I had forgotten come back. It's comforting knowing I can turn somewhere and and be reminded that God is always there for me. I can not thank you enough for that. I'm praying for you, and don't ever give up faith, because you move people, and help them through your words.

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  2. No, I want to thank you for sharing your story. That is such a brave thing for you to do! Know that I am always here for you and you can talk to me anytime! Usually when people bully someone it's because they are unhappy with themselves so don't take it personal. Just by what you wrote I know you're a beautiful person inside and out. I am so glad this blog helps you. I take zero credit for that... it's all God working through me. There's a reason you stumbled upon this blog. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers.

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