Sunday, April 14, 2013

Classic Girl Needs Boy

Im 15 and I am terrified. I am scared of my dad. I am scared of my feelings. Most of all, I am scared to be alone with my thoughts. I ran to you like a lost puppy looking for love and you kicked me down. Girls can relate to the feeling of being rejected. It's one of the worst feelings. You try so hard and love that boy so much and you get ignored in return. These weekend has felt like a full month. It's been long, hard, and painful. I have learned so much though and I am stronger because of it.

Every girl runs to a boy to fill this void in her heart or to forget about all her problems. It doesn't work and I found out the hard and painful way. I felt worthless. On top of my ex turning his back on me when I needed him the most my father could care less. I ran to him because my father didn't love me and I just wanted a guy to tell me I was beautiful and he loved me. I think every girl can relate to wanting that. I should have never done that. I ended up hurting him, ruining our relationship forever, and having a broken heart. But he doesn't care... why should I need him. Being single is actually a blessing. It took me a while to figure that out. How could someone who knows everything I am going through, knows my father abused me in more ways then one, knows every man in my life doesn't care, and spent 7 months with me not give a shit about whether I live or die. Whether I smile or cry. It hurt to think about but God is proving to me I can't rely on people.

Those nights you cry yourself to sleep because he doesn't see the beautiful girl standing in front of him think of God. He is literally holding you and crying with you. I felt completely distant from God and thought He left me but He never did. My proof is that I didn't commit suicide. Recently this story has been pulling me though.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

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