Wednesday, March 13, 2013

You aren't alone in abuse

I am not perfect. I am not a perfect daughter, girlfriend, friend, or christian. I still get mad at God and wonder why this is all happening. I still get negative and want to give up. Honestly I have been through  hell and back. As a child I saw things no one should see. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my father and I witness physical abuse. My mind is full of these terrible memories that I carry around with me every day. On the outside I may look strong but don't be fooled. I have less strength then you think. Honestly every day is a battle to stay alive and not to cut; some days I fail. When you are abused(any type of abuse) you feel like it's your fault and your worthless. I felt like no one could love me. I blocked out all of my child hood and when my parents divorced two years ago all the memories came back and I started to break. That battle has begun.

When I moved in with my mom I had a safe environment to sort through everything. I had to and still am working through the bad memories and trying to get past them. Some days are good while others are bad. Today was bad. I just got back from the doctors and received no hope. They said I had to do this on my own. I felt hopeless, I was tired of fighting and I wanted to die. My mom and I got into a fight. I know I broke her heart. The thing is, I take all my anger out on her which is wrong. Honestly, I hate myself for putting her, my friends, and ex through this. It's not fair and I take the anger I have from my dad's abuse and the anger towards myself and direct to her. I was an awful daughter. I am an awful daughter. I have never felt so alone. She was mad at me and had every right. She put her job and her life on hold for me. And if you don't have depression then you don't realize that it's like cancer and effects the people around you.

I have been through too much and the fight in me is dwindling. I was so suicidal today, I just wanted to jump  in front of a car but I am still here typing. I was angry at God but He didn't give up on me and pulled me through. Truth is I don't have the strength to get through this and no one else can help. Too much pain, but I know God will gave me His strength to pull through. I will continue to live this out and share my story. You aren't alone. Abused kids are out there just like you and it's not your fault! My father has a personality disorder and is an alcoholic. None of that is my fault and while it isn't fair that I have to take his crap this is my life. It was given to me for a reason and God is holding me throughout this darkness. If you ever want to talk to me you can. I am here just leave a comment and i will get back to you.

5 comments:

  1. Kaitlin I love you and I just want u to know im here for you and I wrote a song for you.
    Drew nauden

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awh Andrew thank you so much, I would love to hear it. I love you too!

      Delete
  2. Kaitlin,
    You're a Lynch, and that's why you're stong. The Lynch's are strong people....I know, my mom is your Mom's aunt. Keep on moving, growing and writing. For me, music is therapy. Whether I'm making it or listening to it, it helps me. I have my Spotify made up of my "happy songs", my "i want to punch you in the face" songs (Pantera is my favorite group for this) and my "screaming" songs, the ones you yell the words to.
    Also, the batting cages are helpful when I'm frustraited/angery. It's amazing how theraputic it is. I'm sure your dancing is your therapy as well. Keep on dancing....and your Mom knows you love her. She knows it will be a tough road ahead, but I promise she will NEVER leave you!
    Love,
    Terri

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks a million! Us Lynches are very strong and together my ma and I will get through this!

      Delete
    2. Yes you will!! HUG :)

      Delete

Share your thoughts here....