Friday, March 29, 2013

One of Those Days

Being depressed is one of the worst feelings. It comes out of no where and you feel like you have no where to hide. My body feels like it's going to collapse of break from the heaviness I feel. You so desperately want to feel free to laugh and smile but you emotional and physical can't. Then, the panic attacks kick in. You start shaking uncontrollably. People think you can control them.... but you can't.

I have been blessed to be in Chicago for a few days. Being surrounded by my family has been amazing. But clothes and make up weren't those only things that came along with me. My depression also followed. I have come to terms that it, for all of my life, will be with me. It can come out at anytime, but rather then wait for it I cherish the times when I feel free. I have had 3 anxiety attacks in the past two days. To anyone who gets panic attacks and feels like a freak don't. We most likely go through the same thing. I loose all control of my body. I shake, twitch, and can barely breath. Sometimes I even choke. It honestly looks like a wild kicking horse.  The pain I feel is so intense that I feel like my only option is to kill myself so it will end.

I can't stand when people get made for of for cutting. When you are in a panic attack or depression sometimes it feels like the only thing you can control. I don't promote it at all! It breaks my heart to see scares. All I am saying is don't judge because you haven't gone through it. If I would have gone through what I went through these past couple of days say 2 months ago I would have killed myself but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't even think about it. Remember that when you are depressed or have a panic there is light at the end of the tunnel. God ALWAYS pulls me through. Each time you make it through you are stronger. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

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