Today someone asked me, "How do I stay firm in my faith in God when everything seems to go wrong?" and this really struck me. In all honesty, things have been going all wrong, and while I fake a smile on the outside there is a battle on the inside. I have been so down this week. I feel empty and alone. At night I feel like I need someone to just hold me, tell me they love me, and take my pain away. The emptiness and loneliness I feel is actually physically painful. My chest gets tight, my heart races, and my body feels like it's going to break from all this pressure. I am not a perfect Christian at all. I feel alone yet I know God is with me all the time. I cry myself to sleep because I miss my ex. I ran to him to fill this void and feeling of being unloved. My father never loved me the way I needed to be loved. When I was with him I felt safe but that was only sort term happiness. I regret running to him for love because it messed up our relationship even more and now I hurt him and I hurt myself in the process.
So between all these tears and missing my dad so much how do I stay firm in my faith? Do I even stand firm? This Easter I will only see half of my family. I love my brother and father so much, but because things are so complicated I can't see them. My heart is breaking. That's my biggest problem and insecurity. I just long to be loved. Honestly, no where on Earth have I received the type of love I long for. Even my mom and I have been through some really rough times where we didn't speak for months. My present is being invaded with all the dark memories I blocked from my childhood. Everyone has hurt me, especially the people I love the most. Through all of this I have learned so much. Like I said, I am no where near perfect. I ask God all time, "Where are you?". But, I have leaned that no love will give me as much joy or fill my void other then his. So even though times are getting really hard and I am unavailing more secrets and memories of my dark childhood I remember God is good.
He has plans of good for me. Trials test our faith and helps us to grow. I have learned so much about myself and I have completely changed as a person. I am so much stronger. I learned that I ran to boys to fill the hole in my heart and they can't take away that pain. Only God can. It's still a struggle and there are times when I want to run back to him and pretend everything is the same but I need to learn to be on my own. I need to learn to feel God's overwhelming love even in my darkest days. I am still working on it but I know life is a journey, not a destination.