Sunday, March 24, 2013

How Depression Feels

To everyone out there who doesn't have depression this will explain. To everyone with depression this you can relate to and know you aren't alone in these feelings.

You wake up and something feels off. You feel weird, it's not sadness. It's just nothing. You feel empty inside. You can't even move and all you want to do is lay there. The longer you lay in your bed the more the thoughts go crazy in your head. My mind always goes to a scene of a typical "Daddy Daughter Dance" all of my friends are there with their Dads, then there's me in the middle of the room alone. I have always wanted to be a daddy's girl but I never got the chance. I am blessed I have a dad but we will never have that "hallmark card" kind of relationship. Then you start calling yourself a loser because you can't even get out of bed. You start to feel the physical pain like all of this pressure and stress is weighing down on you. You can't hold any longer and all you want to do is break down but you can't. You take as much energy as you can to get up. You go about your day faking a smile and going through the motions. All you can think about is being alone in your room crying. You look around at all the people who are laughing and smiling and begin to feel worse. It's like you're drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.  You feel like your in this deep dark hole that no one can pull you out of. Only you can get out of that hole. This makes it worse. You know that only you can fix it but you just can't. You feel even more like a loser. There are days that I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to have to wake up.

Here's the best way to describe depression: It's like a tornado and there's nothing you can do but sit and wait, and finally when the storm is over you are left with destruction. The scars on your body, the puffy eyes form crying, and  the exhaustion from fighting a battle. Here is the upside. Depression doesn't have to be that way. The first month of my depression that's how I felt. I went through the day thinking of multiple ways to die. But now that's all changed thanks to God. He has taken the pressure off and I can breath, and yes some days are hard but He holds my hand through it all. In times when you feel like the darkness is closing in on you cry out to God and I promise you will feel saved and loved.

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