Another day, another battle. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I have found that my soul is lost. I know that seems to make no sense and honestly it doesn't. All I know is I am lost with broken heart and feeling empty.
We all have this whole in our heart. It's a God shaped hole. We mere humans try to fill it with everything but Him. We will fill it with boyfriends or girlfriends, good grades at school, being the best at a sport, drugs, alcohol, sex, or having to look the best. What do you fill it with?
Although this certain person may not be reading it... I filled it with them. Yeah, it did work for a while. I was running on the happiness that person gave to me instead of the happiness that came from myself. When I wasn't with them, the pain, the hole, the hate, the anger, and the depression was still there. I relied on them for everything and that blew up in my face really quickly. They became my everything. When things blew up I was left broken hearted, lost, and wanting to die. I knew I should be filling my void with God, but that seemed so hard and too much work. I needed immediate relief. You know what I found out? Whatever you run to: sex, drugs, partying, popularity, or "that one person", at the end of the day, you are still empty.
The only one who can truly take the void away forever is God. I had to learn that the hard way. I lost my "support" or the one I was running to. Like I said I have been empty and dead inside. Today was another day of contemplating suicide. I hated my life, but most I hated myself. I used "them" and hurt "them" in the process. I will forever be sorry and I can't express that enough. I came into "their" life, made a mess, and left. I couldn't live with myself. Also, the thing about depression is it's a disease. It's like cancer but here's the biggest difference: you CAN control it. That's been the hardest thing for me. I hated myself because i knew I wasn't strong enough to help myself. That's I ran to "them". My own mother looks at me in disgust thinking, "Your the only one who can help you. It's not fair you are mad at me for not being able to fix you. What can I do? Just stop crying and help yourself."
I have never felt so alone and empty. "They" couldn't fix it, my mom couldn't, and in the process I was hurting both of them. I decided before I was going to kill myself I would try one thing. With cuts on my body and tears down my face I cried in desperation, "God I need you. No one can help me, not even myself. Please fill this void in my heart and life. Take this pain away. I am turning to you because no one else can help they just make it worse. God save me." No lie, this immediate peace came over me. He is with all of us and even in times of darkness when we feel all alone. He is the one who will bring happiness and nothing or no one else.