Sunday, March 31, 2013

An Easter I will NEVER Forget

I have been wearing a mask the entire week. On the outside I smile while on the inside I am dying. The past few days have been nothing but darkness. My mind races and my heart aches. I would cry myself to sleep everything night thinking the same thing. This depression is going to take me over.

I miss my dad, or rather the dad I thought I had. I never felt loved by him which has caused a struggle my whole life. A struggle of feeling unloved, empty, and alone. I had a huge void in my life and honestly I ran to boys to "fill" it. All it ever did was leave me broken hearted and hurting someone in the process. All I want to be loved by a man. All of my friends told me how much they loved me and how they are always there for me. I was blessed with a mom who hasn't left my side, but all I can focus on is the lack of a father. Honestly, I will never have a "normal" relationship with my dad that will take away all this pain. I thought that I could take the pain away with a boyfriend but I found that I couldn't. I thought that if I could get my ex to tell me he loved me again everything would be alight... but I knew that was a lie. With all of this in mind I went for a run in the park. Mind you I NEVER do this. I hate running but I felt like I had to that day. Also, I would have gone to the gym opposed to the park. So long story short this is rare and extremely odd for me to do this but I felt lead to.

As I was running I was crying out to God. I have had depression for 7 months now and 15 years of sheer pain. I felt like it was never going to end. I felt like I am not making any progress and I should just stop trying. Two amazing things happened. I asked God to fill my heart with love, knowing that only He could make me feel whole. I felt God literally holding my hand then I looked up and the sun shinned so brightly in my face. I felt God say, "I love you so much Kaitlin and I am so proud of how far you've come. Keep pushing beautiful for I will never leave you." I felt immediate peace. As if the wasn't enough something even crazier happened. Now I am a stranger to the park so I went from trail to trail mindlessly. What I saw as I picked a random trail with never leave me.

Before I tell you what happened you have to understand the back story. There was a time in November when I tried committing suicide and was emitted into the adolescent unit in the hospital. Honestly, only a few know this because I was embarrassed. Why should I be? Just because I went there doesn't make me crazy, it makes me broken and I went somewhere to get fixed. All the kids there were miracles because we were all alive and saved by a miracle.
Like I said I felt like I hadn't made any progress in my depression and just wanted to give up. I walked past a man who helped me in the hospital. I stopped and asked to make sure it was him and sure enough it was. This was God showing me my progress. I block out the whole "hospital" experience but He made me remember to show me how far I have come. I haven't tried to commit suicide every again and I have been so much more hopeful. The odds of me seeing this man are crazy low! That was truly God's work! I will never, ever give up. Yes I will have ups and downs but these downs make me stronger and closer to God.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Most Important Blog Yet

I have tried to kill myself multiple times. I get what it's like to have that overwhelming feeling. You have no where else to turn. You cut because you think you deserve it, you hate yourself. or you're tired of being "numb". I get it. You feel alone or unloved. Your boyfriend broke up with you so you don't feel good enough. Everytime you pass by a mirror you want to break it because you can't stand the sight of yourself. Your father abandoned you so how can any one love you. Luckily, God has pulled me through all these dark thoughts. Next time you get in that place reflect on what you are about to read. 

There was chill guy named Jesus. Pretty awesome guy. God sent down His only son to die for YOU! This is what Jesus went through just for you: First He beaten. Then He was flogged(which is like whipped but the leather was thicker and covered in glass) After He had to carry a 400lb. cross up a hill. His hands and feet were then nailed to the cross. After the lifted it up and slammed it into the ground. Everytime He had to breath He had to use every big of strength to lift himself up. Now I know that was really graphic but you need to understand what He want through. As people were mocking him and spitting at Him He looked up in the sky and thought of YOU! He died to take all of our sins so we can be in a relationship with the heavenly father, God. He loved you so much that He went through pure agony. He died a sinners death which He did not deserve. He knew some people would still regret the gift of God's love but He still did it because He knew some would. So next time you as if no one loves you remember the cross. God's loving thoughts of YOU, personally, out number the grains of sand on this Earth.

Suicide isn't the answer. You will make it through but God is holding your hand through it all. In your time of need cry out for Him and He will comfort you. 

One of Those Days

Being depressed is one of the worst feelings. It comes out of no where and you feel like you have no where to hide. My body feels like it's going to collapse of break from the heaviness I feel. You so desperately want to feel free to laugh and smile but you emotional and physical can't. Then, the panic attacks kick in. You start shaking uncontrollably. People think you can control them.... but you can't.

I have been blessed to be in Chicago for a few days. Being surrounded by my family has been amazing. But clothes and make up weren't those only things that came along with me. My depression also followed. I have come to terms that it, for all of my life, will be with me. It can come out at anytime, but rather then wait for it I cherish the times when I feel free. I have had 3 anxiety attacks in the past two days. To anyone who gets panic attacks and feels like a freak don't. We most likely go through the same thing. I loose all control of my body. I shake, twitch, and can barely breath. Sometimes I even choke. It honestly looks like a wild kicking horse.  The pain I feel is so intense that I feel like my only option is to kill myself so it will end.

I can't stand when people get made for of for cutting. When you are in a panic attack or depression sometimes it feels like the only thing you can control. I don't promote it at all! It breaks my heart to see scares. All I am saying is don't judge because you haven't gone through it. If I would have gone through what I went through these past couple of days say 2 months ago I would have killed myself but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't even think about it. Remember that when you are depressed or have a panic there is light at the end of the tunnel. God ALWAYS pulls me through. Each time you make it through you are stronger. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My Truth

Today someone asked me, "How do I stay firm in my faith in God when everything seems to go wrong?" and this really struck me. In all honesty, things have been going all wrong, and while I fake a smile on the outside there is a battle on the inside. I have been so down this week. I feel empty and alone. At night I feel like I need someone to just hold me, tell me they love me, and take my pain away. The emptiness and loneliness I feel is actually physically painful. My chest gets tight, my heart races, and my body feels like it's going to break from all this pressure. I am not a perfect Christian at all. I feel alone yet I know God is with me all the time. I cry myself to sleep because I miss my ex. I ran to him to fill this void and feeling of being unloved. My father never loved me the way I needed to be loved. When I was with him I felt safe but that was only sort term happiness. I regret running to him for love because it messed up our relationship even more and now I hurt him and I hurt myself in the process.

So between all these tears and missing my dad so much how do I stay firm in my faith? Do I even stand firm? This Easter I will only see half of my family. I love my brother and father so much, but because things are so complicated I can't see them. My heart is breaking. That's my biggest problem and insecurity. I just long to be loved. Honestly, no where on Earth have I received the type of love I long for. Even my mom and I have been through some really rough times where we didn't speak for months. My present is being invaded with all the dark memories I blocked from my childhood. Everyone has hurt me, especially the people I love the most. Through all of this I have learned so much. Like I said, I am no where near perfect. I ask God all time, "Where are you?". But, I have leaned that no love will give me as much joy or fill my void other then his. So even though times are getting really hard and I am unavailing more secrets and memories of my dark childhood I remember God is good.

He has plans of good for me. Trials test our faith and helps us to grow. I have learned so much about myself and I have completely changed as a person. I am so much stronger. I learned that I ran to boys to fill the hole in my heart and they can't take away that pain. Only God can. It's still a struggle and there are times when I want to run back to him and pretend everything is the same but I need to learn to be on my own. I need to learn to feel God's overwhelming love even in my darkest days. I am still working on it but I know life is a journey, not a destination.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Free Yourself

When I was diagnosed with panic disorder, post dramatic stress syndrome, and depression I thought I was a freaked. I was mortified and was going to make sure no one would find out. The days I was too depressed to go to school I would tell my friends that I was sick. I was living a lie. I acted like everything was going great while I was slowly dying on the inside. I was battling to stay alive but to everyone else it looked like I had the perfect life. Depression had a hold on me and it's grip was almost too tight to bear. 

Having depression is actually a blessing because I have learned so much and grown. I learned that I didn't choose to have this. It is a disease, just like diabetes. No one thinks people with diabetes are freaks so why would it be any different with depression. I came out about my depression and aniexty two and a half months ago. Depression had loosened it's grip on me. It was on of the most freeing feelings in the world. My life became an open book in hopes of others knowing they aren't alone. I will never take back that decision because so much positive came out of it. People reached out to me and I began to get so much support. Also I felt free and unashamed. I was no longer living with this giant secret and I didn't have to pretend. So, if you have depression don't be embarrassed. All of us need to band together and beat this disease! I am always here for you. Come out about your depression and loosen depression's grip. Say screw you to your disease. 

Sunday, March 24, 2013

How Depression Feels

To everyone out there who doesn't have depression this will explain. To everyone with depression this you can relate to and know you aren't alone in these feelings.

You wake up and something feels off. You feel weird, it's not sadness. It's just nothing. You feel empty inside. You can't even move and all you want to do is lay there. The longer you lay in your bed the more the thoughts go crazy in your head. My mind always goes to a scene of a typical "Daddy Daughter Dance" all of my friends are there with their Dads, then there's me in the middle of the room alone. I have always wanted to be a daddy's girl but I never got the chance. I am blessed I have a dad but we will never have that "hallmark card" kind of relationship. Then you start calling yourself a loser because you can't even get out of bed. You start to feel the physical pain like all of this pressure and stress is weighing down on you. You can't hold any longer and all you want to do is break down but you can't. You take as much energy as you can to get up. You go about your day faking a smile and going through the motions. All you can think about is being alone in your room crying. You look around at all the people who are laughing and smiling and begin to feel worse. It's like you're drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing.  You feel like your in this deep dark hole that no one can pull you out of. Only you can get out of that hole. This makes it worse. You know that only you can fix it but you just can't. You feel even more like a loser. There are days that I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to have to wake up.

Here's the best way to describe depression: It's like a tornado and there's nothing you can do but sit and wait, and finally when the storm is over you are left with destruction. The scars on your body, the puffy eyes form crying, and  the exhaustion from fighting a battle. Here is the upside. Depression doesn't have to be that way. The first month of my depression that's how I felt. I went through the day thinking of multiple ways to die. But now that's all changed thanks to God. He has taken the pressure off and I can breath, and yes some days are hard but He holds my hand through it all. In times when you feel like the darkness is closing in on you cry out to God and I promise you will feel saved and loved.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

The Good and the Bad of Being Single

Do you ever have those nights where you feel alone? All you want is to be safe and protected in a guy's arms. To have him look into your eyes and just smile. Well, this was me tonight. I just really missed him tonight and I got really down about it. I am going through so much all I can think about is a guy to hold me, kiss me on the forehead, and tell me everything is going to be alright. I am pretty sure almost every girl can relate. We hate being alone and cringe at the word 'Single'.

This is why I love my best friend. She changed my whole night around and after talking to her I was left with a huge smile on my face. Why should I be sad that I am single. I have 60 years ahead of me to be attached to someone but it's my time now to be free. It's  my time to figure out and be okay with being me. Us girls make the biggest mistake when we run to boys to make us happy. Honestly high school relationships rarely work out if the two don't know themselves yet and aren't fully mature. We are young and have a whole life ahead of us. You can be anything you want and make the future whatever you dream it to be. So, don't let a guy hold you back. Stand strong on your own and live life. On nights where you're feeling lonely know that God is right by your side holding your hand.

One of the most beautiful things to think about is God's plan for us. Whether you believe it or not God already has somebody perfect picked out for you. Your husband is probably alone in his room praying for you and is anxious to meet his beautiful sole mate. God's timing is perfect and you two will meet when you both are ready. I know my husband is out there. He wears bow ties, is artsy, plays the guitar, has a heart melting smile, loves my obnoxious laugh, will take me to broadway shows, cook dinner with me, and pray with me. I already love him. So have hope that you won't be forever alone and be patient for God's timing.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Past

Memories can kill you inside. It isn't easy to be happy and carefree when you have a dark past that follows you. You can't live in the moment when your mind is occupied by haunting memories. The past few days have been amazing and I have felt God grant me with a few days of complete peace, until today.  The idea of my brother coming over for dinner meant he was coming with a bag full of memories that I didn't want to think about. I began to have a panic attack and every bad thing I could think of came up. Being abused is terrifying and usually you can remember the scene perfectly. Today, I was put back in serval of those seances. I have to relive it and it felt like I was right back there.

I actually see this a blessing because I can work through them. God doesn't give us what we can't handle. I wrote those memories down, put them in a box, and gave them up to God. Right now I am choosing to be carefree and happy. When I feel strong I will work through those but now isn't the time. You can't pretend like your past didn't happen but you don't have to let it rule your life and define your future. Give them all up to God and when you're ready work through them. The past is the past. You have learned from your mistakes and bad experiences. Remember that it already happened and you have a bright future ahead of you.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Ultimate Love Story

I just wanted to be loved. That's it. My own father couldn't provide the love I needed. I live in house with just my ma and I. Half of my family is missing. The two men in my life, my father and brother, do not have much contact with me. We are two completely separate families. I never felt loved. I felt like I was worthless because my own father chose alcohol over me. I searching desperately for a guy to love me. Then I was blessed with a guy in shining armor. He brought the biggest smile to my face and warmed my heart. It had to be too good to be true and it was. Because I was trying to have him fill my void of feeling unloved I got clingy and he became my everything. Not even could the guy I was in love with fill my empty heart. My mom, my ex, my dad, my brother, even my friends couldn't take away the feeling of worthlessness and being unloved. I thought I was going to be feel like "whole" in my heart forever.

That all changed when I really got to know Jesus. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior on June 29th 2011 but I had a lot of growing to do. I now realize what I didn't back then, which was how much Jesus loves me. I can't even comprehend it. I learned a lot of the past few months. Although I didn't really have an earthly father, I had a heavenly father who loved perfectly and would never let me down.  Nothing can compare to His love and the way you feel in His presence, trust me I have tried everything else. 

Think about this, in Pslam 139 it talks about God knowing everything you do. He knows when you sit down and stand up. He knows all your thoughts and every square inch of your heart. He even knows what you are going to say before you say it. First reading this I was sacred. I am NOT perfect at all and I make mistakes all the time. I think mean things and I can be disrespectful at times. But then I kept reading. He still loves us! No matter what you do, good or bad, His love for you will never change. It's a constant, overwhelming love. God's loving thoughts about YOU outnumbered the grains of sand on this earth! Just let that sink in. That's so powerful. 

We can never and have never been able to earn His love. It is generously given to us. Because God sent His son Jesus down on Earth to die for us and take our sins we can now be in a relationship with him. There are harsh people in this world who are lost and cause us pain we can stand against it. So, next time you feel unloved or as if no one cares think about this: Jesus died for you! God's thoughts about you out number the sands. Also, He took all this time to specially make you. Each of your hairs are numbered. I think of all of this like this. Imagine the most popular guy at school. He is a legend and everyone knows him. Now think of yourself as this invisible girl at school who no one even seem to see you're there. It's prom and that popular guys asks YOU! There's nothing special about us but God loves you so much. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Carrying the Weight of the World on Your Shoulders

Exhausted. Mentally and physically. When you're a kid, no matter how crazy your child hood was, you think your life is normal. You don't know any better. I thought all the abuse and the way my family was  was normal. I am now realizing it's not. Honestly, growing up sucks at times. I wish I was still a naive lithe kid, but Im not anymore. It's been a slow process and healing and I feel as if I am carrying as this pain around. I know I am not alone in this. We are carrying our personal problems with us every where we go and it's killing us. I get 10 hours of sleep and I can hardly wake up.

 I have felt like the darkness has been closing in on me and I was about to be sucked in with it. I almost was then I had hope. Ask yourself this question: Does worrying and obsessing over your problems 24/7 help.... at all. No, it makes it worse. I am not saying to just push them into a corner and act as if they aren't there, but take a break for a while. I wake up each morning and I am hit with the reality of my life.... I am fatherless, I barely see my brother, I have depression and a panic disorder, and I have this huge cloud over me that's filled with a dark past. My past shouldn't define my future and I won't let it. I thank God for waking me up and I hand him all of problems and trust that He knows what to do with them, I mean He did create the universe therefore I know He can handle this. Then, I go about my day knowing they are in good hands and I enjoy myself. I feel free and I get to experience life's beauty.

This is easier said then done. The past can be a hard thing to deal with and same with the problems in the present but God has got you! Give it all up to God and when you feel up to it take back all of the memories and the problems and work on them. Once you're tired give to God again. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Stop trying to "make it through the day" and stop carrying all these problems. Go out and live.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Afraid to Be Happy

You're sitting outside and you feel the warmth of the sun. You feel a cool breeze and smell the summer air. Everything is perfect and then fear rushes over you. You realize you are happy, genuinely happy. You think to yourself this can't be real and immediately start to get scared. You are now just waiting for something bad to happen. I have experienced this moment all too much.

I have had so much bad happen to me I forgot what it was like to be happy. When I am, I'm not used to it and it feels almost uncomfortable. I think it's too good to be true. Well that's what I thought. I have learned that life comes with ups and downs. We have to enjoy the ups while we can. I used to waste my ups and waiting for the downs... if that makes any sense. God wants you to be happy. He has created such a beautiful life for you to live. Think of your favorite food, the ocean, the way you immediately smile when you see the sun, that kiss from that special person. These are all God's gifts to us. So, stop worrying about what the future holds. Live in the moment and experience all the joy and beauty life has to offer. You can be happy, it's possible and meant to be. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Warped Society

What's normal? Well society tell us exactly who is and isn't normal. To be defined as "normal" or to fit in you have to meet these requirements:

for girls- be 100 pounds, shop at Pink or Hollister, listen to the radio or the typical music, keep quiet about your faith, don't share your opinions or views, never go against what everyone else is doing, party, get drunk, have sex, smoke pot, always look perfect, be blonde and tan, and above all else fake a smile because God forbid anyone know the real you. Be the varsity cheerleader or the perfect dancer, be skin, tall, and beautiful, go to all the beautiful games, have a boyfriend, and always say the right thing.

for boys- be the jock of the school, never be committed and "score all the hottest girl", don't be a virgin because that's "lame", don't care about school, only focus on sports and never be interested in other things like art or reading, be tall, be strong, have abs, smoke weed, drink, party, have sex with random girls, listen to Drake, ASAP Rocky, & Kendrick Lamar, and above all else hide your feelings.

Well I am here to tell you that you live your life the way YOU want to. Say, "Screw you society". I used to be so worried about what I said, how I looked, what weight I was but now I am set free. Only God can judge me. We were all specially made and individualized. God has a special plan for all of us and made us different for a reason. So embrace it. I know for girls, we look at that one girl with eyes full of envy. If only I would laugh like her and have all the boys fall all over me. I wish I wasn't so (fat.... ugly.... or  insert whatever you don't like about yourself). I wish my life was as simple as hers. I wish I didn't have divorced parents or I had her life.

I used to look at this is one girl in awe. She had a simple life, was skinny as can be, had a beautiful smile, and above all everyone loved her. I compared myself to her thought I was a freak. I wished I didn't have depression, post dramatic stress syndrome, or a panic disorder. I was my life was simple like hers. I wanted to be her but then I heard God speak to me. I was given this life for a reason. I am so much stronger then her and my head is just in totally different place. The difference in people is what makes us beautiful. Embrace it.

I am not like her. I am a girl who has depression and a bunch of other stuff. My life has been beyond complicated. I have been abused and honestly my life is nothing near simple. I am 5'3 and weigh 125 pounds. I don't shop at the normal shops but rather vintage stores and Topshop. I LOVE thrift shopping and I hate going to football games. I would rather spend my time at the theatre singing then going to parties. I am a virgin and I plan on staying that way until marriage. I am deeply in love with Jesus and I am not afraid to share my faith. So am I society's definition of normal? NO WAY, but I don't care because I love myself. I love being different and you need to understand that it's okay to be different. Embrace it because it's a great thing.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

You aren't alone in abuse

I am not perfect. I am not a perfect daughter, girlfriend, friend, or christian. I still get mad at God and wonder why this is all happening. I still get negative and want to give up. Honestly I have been through  hell and back. As a child I saw things no one should see. I was verbally and emotionally abused by my father and I witness physical abuse. My mind is full of these terrible memories that I carry around with me every day. On the outside I may look strong but don't be fooled. I have less strength then you think. Honestly every day is a battle to stay alive and not to cut; some days I fail. When you are abused(any type of abuse) you feel like it's your fault and your worthless. I felt like no one could love me. I blocked out all of my child hood and when my parents divorced two years ago all the memories came back and I started to break. That battle has begun.

When I moved in with my mom I had a safe environment to sort through everything. I had to and still am working through the bad memories and trying to get past them. Some days are good while others are bad. Today was bad. I just got back from the doctors and received no hope. They said I had to do this on my own. I felt hopeless, I was tired of fighting and I wanted to die. My mom and I got into a fight. I know I broke her heart. The thing is, I take all my anger out on her which is wrong. Honestly, I hate myself for putting her, my friends, and ex through this. It's not fair and I take the anger I have from my dad's abuse and the anger towards myself and direct to her. I was an awful daughter. I am an awful daughter. I have never felt so alone. She was mad at me and had every right. She put her job and her life on hold for me. And if you don't have depression then you don't realize that it's like cancer and effects the people around you.

I have been through too much and the fight in me is dwindling. I was so suicidal today, I just wanted to jump  in front of a car but I am still here typing. I was angry at God but He didn't give up on me and pulled me through. Truth is I don't have the strength to get through this and no one else can help. Too much pain, but I know God will gave me His strength to pull through. I will continue to live this out and share my story. You aren't alone. Abused kids are out there just like you and it's not your fault! My father has a personality disorder and is an alcoholic. None of that is my fault and while it isn't fair that I have to take his crap this is my life. It was given to me for a reason and God is holding me throughout this darkness. If you ever want to talk to me you can. I am here just leave a comment and i will get back to you.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Empty Teenager

Do you ever find yourself asking what's the point in life? What are you living for? You get up, go to school, come home, do homework, and repeat. It's like a never ending cycle.

When you think of life that way it becomes really depressing. All of us are walking around with a huge void in our lives and we just feel empty. We all run to different things to fill that void. We run to good grades, popularity, boy/girl friends, partying, smoking, having sex, or drinking. Yeah, that can make you happy for a little a while but at the end of the day you still ask have that whole in your heart and ask yourself, "What's the point?"

Honestly, I found myself asking this question everyday. School would be such a great distraction but as soon as I got in the car to go home depression hit me and I began crying. I felt so empty and useless. I cried out to God and I clearly go my answer. I was told to live my life hour by hour and experience all the beauty God intended for me to enjoy. God wants you to be happy and has a purpose for you, but it's our job to stop looking at what we don't have and open our eyes. There's so much beauty in every second of life that we miss. We miss small blessing everyday like: being woken up by birds chirping, the warm breeze and the sun on our skin, the smell our favorite meal, or the laughter you share with your friends.

I learned so much from that talk with God. I learned life isn't a destination, it is a journey. Instead of just "making it through the day" enjoy, learn, grow, and smile. Every morning now I wake up and chose to give God all my worries and just experience life. I now rarely have that feeling of emptiness and I have found have beautiful life is.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Highschool Survival

Something many people don't realize is the world is so much bigger then high school. It seems that everyone is just worried about fitting in. Whether who was "hot or not" won't matter in a few years from now. I remember what it was like to try to look my best at all the football games and make sure he noticed me. I was obsessed with being popular and being accepted. I was so desperate for attention from anyone. You know I was strutting my stuff in my booty-jeans shorts and Victoria Secret Bombshell, but you know what? No matter the amount of attention I got I was never satisfied or happy. Society makes us think we we should obsess over is: Who is going out with who, being single is looked down upon, being the skinniest and tallest girl in your class, getting the most likes and retweets, and trying to have as many fake relationships as possible. Well, society has it all wrong.

Are you not exhausted of hiding you really are and putting up a front. Aren't you tired of being what society wants you to be rather then yourself. Society tells us we should be skinny with big boobs. We are supposed to be beautiful and blonde. We must wear designer clothes, listen to the right music, and always say the right things. We are supposed to put up with boy's unfair treatment and crude comments. We are never to be seen in public with sweatpants or with no makeup. Well, that simply isn't realistic. It's okay to be you. Highschool shouldn't be a time for fitting in but for standing out. It's a time to find out who you are and what you like. It's a time to explore everything; to fall in love, get your heart broken, and repeat. Discover what you're good at and who your real friends are.

8th grade year I was obsessed with going with the flow and being accepted. When I accepted Christ the summer going into high school my whole view changed. God made me perfect the way I am and I should embrace that. I changed my style, hair color, and music in the snap of a finger. I got to be me. I went out in public makeup free and felt beautiful because I knew no one's opinion besides God's doesn't mater. When I was in front of boys I didn't put up a front. I was my loud, obnoxious laughing self. I stopped listening to the radio and started listening to bands. I now am officially in love with Bon Iver. I started wearing the clothes I wanted to wear. I stopped carrying about my weight or appearance and enjoyed my life the way God  intended it to be lived.

Are you really being you? You were made specially and personally, so embrace that!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Never Be Ashamed for Being You

Yes, I messed up. I poured my heart out and got rejected. Honestly, I was the epitome of the crazy, clingy ex. I should have taken the hint and moved on but I didn't and I was left rejected and with a broken heart. I felt like the biggest idiot and hated myself. I thought everyone thinks I am this emotional wreck. I thought everyone knew me as Kaitlin, the girl with depression, serious family problems, and a freak. Like I said I hated myself and I was mortified..... like I wanted to hide from you forever. Thoughts like, "No one likes you." "You're crazy" "See, no one actually likes for you." I swore never again would I share that much of myself with another person. No more blogging or talking.... I will just get judged.

Then my mom came to the rescue like she always does. After we talked I had a completely different perspective and learned on of the most important life lessons. Never feel bad for being yourself. I was 100% me with that person and while I didn't get a positive response doesn't make me a bad person. It's one person out of hundreds of thousands that I will meet. We are a treasure box. We are full of so many different elements, some are good and others we aren't quite sure what to do with them, but all in all with love every piece of that box. It makes life exciting and there's always new things to discover.

Would I go back and take the thousands of texts I sent.... no. I learned and grew from this experience. I was myself and if they don't like that then I can't do anything about it. Never apologize for being you and speaking from the heart. Never be embarrassed because if that person doesn't accept all of you then that's their loss. I love myself, even the crazy parts. We all aren't perfect and we all make mistakes, but we are human and that is part of life. We are growing everyday. Life isn't a destination but a journey.

Always Have Hope

Hope is a powerful thing. It provides you with a completely different outlook on life. I learned so much today. All of this new information gave me hope, and I think it will give you some as well. Life is hard, I 100% agree. I didn't have a typical childhood. I have witnessed things that no child should witness. I have had a time with no parents and I had to learn how to take care of myself. I have been through it all trust me, so if I believe there is hope for me then I KNOW there's hope for you.

Having depression, aniexity, bipolar disorder, or any other mental illness is hard but you're not weird or a freak. I used to think I was the weirdest girl on this planet and that no one was felt or experienced the things I have, but you know what? Millions of people have mental illnesses. Even if you don't but you have been through hell and back you aren't alone. Like I said... I have really been through it all but I realized something. No one thinks I'm crazy. No one looks down on me because I have to take medicine for a disease I have. No body shakes their head when I walk by because my parents are divorced and I have an alcoholic father. I was blessed with two parents that love me who I love back. No one looks down on you and you aren't alone.

I learned all of my behaviors..... not being able to get out of my bed, crying due to the pain I feel, cutting, having panic attacks...are all normal. I have been through a lot and I am just trying to cope. Are these things good? Not at all and I am working to be better but I need to stop being so hard on myself and so do you. You are still alive, which surely counts for something. It's a daily battle but you're doing the best you can, so cut yourself some slack!

Here's the best part. No matter how far gone you are. No matter what your past consists of. No matter how many "labels" the doctors have given you or how many meds your on there is hope. Yeah I have been through a lot and I have serve depression but I have a bright future. NOTHING is impossible with God. I am pushing through all of this darkness and I can see light. Stop, take a moment, and picture the future you want, not the future you think you'll have but the one you always desired. With God, that's possible. When I take a break from thinking about my depression all I can see are bright lights on me. I am in the middle of a broadway stage in New York. All eyes are on me and my music just started. I perform my solo, whatever it may be... dream role is easily Glinda from 'Wicked'. This depression we are going through or tough time is just a point in time!

After you've finished reading this just stop and think about your dreams. The crazier, the better. Don't think about your situation right now because it will pass. When you think about your future you've found your light. Here's what gets me through: Let's say I live for 80 years. That is a dot on this never ending line of my life. When you accept Jesus as your Lord & Savior you have eternal life with Him in heaven. This world isn't it. Just think that this is a dot on your never ending life time. That's hope my friends.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Finding Love in the Wrong Places

Another day, another battle. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and I have found that my soul is lost. I know that seems to make no sense and honestly it doesn't. All I know is I am lost with broken heart and feeling empty.

We all have this whole in our heart. It's a God shaped hole. We mere humans try to fill it with everything but Him. We will fill it with boyfriends or girlfriends, good grades at school, being the best at a sport, drugs, alcohol, sex, or having to look the best. What do you fill it with?

Although this certain person may not be reading it... I filled it with them. Yeah, it did work for a while. I was running on the happiness that person gave to me instead of the happiness that came from myself. When I wasn't with them, the pain, the hole, the hate, the anger, and the depression was still there. I relied on them for everything and that blew up in my face really quickly. They became my everything. When things blew up I was left broken hearted, lost, and wanting to die. I knew I should be filling my void with God, but that seemed so hard and too much work. I needed immediate relief. You know what I found out? Whatever you run to: sex, drugs, partying, popularity, or "that one person", at the end of the day, you are still empty.

The only one who can truly take the void away forever is God. I had to learn that the hard way.  I lost my "support" or the one I was running to. Like I said I have been empty and dead inside. Today was another day of contemplating suicide. I hated my life, but most I hated myself. I used "them" and hurt "them" in the process. I will forever be sorry and I can't express that enough. I came into "their" life, made a mess, and left. I couldn't live with myself. Also, the thing about depression is it's a disease. It's like cancer but here's the biggest difference: you CAN control it. That's been the hardest thing for me. I hated myself because i knew I wasn't strong enough to help myself. That's I ran to "them". My own mother looks at me in disgust thinking, "Your the only one who can help you. It's not fair you are mad at me for not being able to fix you. What can I do? Just stop crying and help yourself."

I have never felt so alone and empty. "They" couldn't fix it, my mom couldn't, and in the process I was hurting both of them. I decided before I was going to kill myself I would try one thing. With cuts on my body and tears down my face I cried in desperation, "God I need you. No one can help me, not even myself. Please fill this void in my heart and life. Take this pain away. I am turning to you because no one else can help they just make it worse. God save me." No lie, this immediate peace came over me. He is with all of us and even in times of darkness when we feel all alone. He is the one who will bring happiness and nothing or no one else.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Everything Happens for a Reason

I have been a christian since last july. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at Younglife camp and my life was changed forever. I was going about life thanking God and never having a reason to doubt him. Then, in September I was hit hard with serve depression and aniexity and to this day questions like: "Why me God?" "Why can't you take this pain away?" "Where are you?" come to mind. Every time one of those came across my mind it immediately left when I felt God give me a hug and tell me to keep pushing.

I used to be angry at God for this disease and the life I was given but now I thank him. Without my depression I wouldn't be the person I am today. I am so strong and full of hope. My relationship with God has been strengthened through all of this. If I never had depression you wouldn't be reading this blog. I know God gave me these struggles because He knew I could handle it. My calling is to help others that are just like me. Enstill hope, love, joy into your lives as well as mine. This may seem like an oxymoron but now that I have depression, on good days I have never been happier and on bad days I know the gloomy clouds will pass by leaving me with that much more strength.

You weren't given depression just because God doesn't "love" you enough or He wants to punish you. You are one strong person and He knows that very well. Without my depression I would be lukewarm with God and not feel His presence and joy. My mother and I's relationship wouldn't be rock solid. My strength wouldn't be this grand. My view of life would be so much smaller and you wouldn't have stumbled across this blog. God is good and has an amazing plan for you.
1 Thessalonians 5: 18 "Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belongs to Christ Jesus."
Jermiah 29: 11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'"

Sunday, March 3, 2013

It's a Beautiful Life

Even with depression I can still say, "It's a beautiful life." God has created such beauty to enjoy, some many laughs to be had, memories to be made, and love to be felt. He wants you to be happy. Take a day, just today, and count your blessings. Choose to look at the positives rather then the negatives. Don't even think about one worry or problem for God will take care of those. Give them all to God and choose happiness today. You will be surprised to see what beauty you find.

Saturday, March 2, 2013


They're the epitome of pain. The good news is they don't last forever and they make you stronger. Moving on is so hard and takes every bit of strength you have but it can be done. Stop the thoughts of: "What should I have done differently?" "Was I not good enough?" "I bet he doesn't even miss me." It's this simple: You're beautiful and that just means God has a different guy picked out for you. Your dream guy is out there, just be patient. The best love stories take the longest to write. Slowly the thoughts of him will drift away and you won't feel like you're missing a piece for you. "Dance with God and He will let the perfect man cut in."