Thursday, February 28, 2013

H.O.P.E(hold on pain ends)

The past two days have been hell. I have been crying on and off for 48 hours and contemplating suicide every second. To anyone with depression or just a hard life in general I understand the feeling of hopelessness. You sit there with the bottle of pills in your hand and you replay everything. No one can help you. The doctors don't know what's wrong, your family resents you for having this disease, relationships fall apart, and everyone is telling you to just suck it up. Everyone is mad because they feel like you're being dramatic or like you aren't trying hard enough; although, every single fiber in your body is telling you to end it. The pain is too strong and you begin to cry because you don't have the guts to do it. You think about your parents' face when they find your cold body. Then your mind flashes to your best friend. When she gets the phone call her/his heart immediately breaks.

I had this exact moment happen tonight. I was ready to go then I heard God say, "Those won't kill you. I am not going to let you die. I know your pain right now and I am crying with you but life is so beautiful. Think of all the laughter you've shared with your closest friends or a hug from your mom that makes everything better. I am so much bigger then this and my power is stronger then tho suicidal thought. I love you beautiful, keep pushing."

I started bawling. He is working through me and who am I to end his work. This is what I did and it saved my life. When you feel that overwhelming feeling throw your hands up and cry out to God. Say, "I can't do this on my own. No one can help me and I can't even help myself.... I need you! Save me, I am giving this ALL up to you." I said those exact words and no lie I felt immediate peace and I literally felt God warm my heart and I had comfort run through me body. You are stronger then this, He is much stronger then this. Together, you two are unstoppable. Don't ever give up. Life is so beautiful and is full of endless possibilities.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Hot Mess

In all honest, right now I'm a hot mess. My heart is broken, I'm hurt, and crying nonstop. But something really important I've learned over the years... It's okay not to be okay. Yes, right now there is darkness but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm still here breathing this beautiful air. God is looking down on me, smiling, and saying "Look at my fighter. Isn't she beautiful." He is looking down at you and saying the same exact thing.

Going Through the Motions

Ask yourself this.... Are you living or are you alive?

The Naked Truth.

Today was rough, extremely rough. Honestly I didn't think I'd make it through today. I have been hurt by a lot of people and my heart has multiple wounds. Lying on my floor, I never felt so alone." No one can help me" I said, "no doctor knows what's wrong, I'm trying my hardest, and my own mother is baffled. My friends can't help.... Even my own family canst do anything. I guess I'm just a lost cause and I might as well give up now." I began screaming in pain. My heart ache actually hurt and I felt my whole body would crush from all the pain and pressure. I want you to be there to rub my back and say that you loved me but then I realized you broke me heart. Then I thought about someone else, but they also broke me heart. I went through a list of people I loved but then I realized they all chief at some point in my life. Some more then others but all in all there was resentment there.
I threw my hands up to The Lord. "I can't do this. My whole life has been trails, suffering, pain... Just please take it away I'm not happy. Save me dear God." I listened and heard nothing. Then the darkness came over me and I felt the devil taping on my shoulder saying, " You see God isn't going to help you. Just end it... You will feel better." I began contemplating, then I heard my phone ring. It's doesn't matter who it was but honestly I so clearly felt God telling me to go to Pandora and listening to christen contemporary. The first song that came on was "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North

I felt like God was speaking to me through the lyrics. Worn Lyrics
Tenth Avenue North

The lyrics are:
I'm tired I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the wait of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from ashes of a broken life
And that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause i'm worn
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm to weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Oh Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
My prayers are wearing thin
Ya I'm worn
Even before the day begins
Ya I'm worn
I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So heaven come and flood my eyes

I went to my dance studio across the hall and danced my heart out and worshiped God.

You see I felt alone but He NEVER left me and kept me going. Blessed be His name

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

This One is For the Girls

Boys. High school. Pain. Relationships can be amazing and heat breaking all at the same time. You start by seeing him. Your heart races and this uncontrollable smile comes on your face. Oh my goodness and when he smiles your heart melts, but he is gone now and you're left with a broken heart. You spend every minute thinking about him. You ask yourself, "What does she have that I don't." or "I bet he doesn't he think about me." You replay everything in your head and wonder what you could have done differently or if you could have said something else. So you change your hair, loose weight, and tweet about missing him hoping he will see. Your phone is glued to your side hoping to see that familiar name pop up on your screen and make everything better. The worst part of all of this, he looks as if he has moved on without a bump or bruise. You cry yourself to sleep and feel like a part of you is missing. You go about life and every little thing reminds you of him. I remember going through all of these things. You may think he's moved on but you're wrong. Boys are afraid to show their emotions, which I think is stupid because a real man isn't afraid to be emotional, but any how he is hurt but he won't show it. The pain you are feeling, he is feeling as well.

 I felt crazy, sad, misunderstood, worthless, unloved, empty, and not good enough until I looked out my window and saw the bright, beautiful sun shinning down on me. I remembered that there is no reason to feel this way. I am so loved by Jesus that He died for me. He loves me no matter my weight, hair color, height, or anything. I could and do mess up thousands of times a day and yet He arms remain wide open. Moving seems impossible but it can be done when you realize Jesus is your main man! No one can love you more then he can. Okay, think of the person you love the most.... now think about being beaten and whipped for them. After that and you are nearly dead now think about being nailed to a cross. I love you but I am sorry I could NEVER imagine that. But Jesus wanted to, and as He was on that cross he looked up and thought of YOU! So no man can make you feel the way He will. He was saved my life by his love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

If that isn't enough God has this wonderful plan for you. He already has the perfect husband picked out for you. He is everything you have dreamed of. You know that feeling you get watching a Nicholas Spark's movie. You long for something like that, well, the best love stories just take longer to write. Hold on because He is out there for you and no that no matter what Grant, Matt, Jack, or whoever else says it doesn't matter because Jesus is the REAL man.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Is it just me?

Depression sucks, for lack of a better word. It's taken so much from me: relationships, strength, who I am, time with friends, and sometimes even the joy of life. I know how it feels to be abandoned, misunderstood, and judge all based off a disease you cannot help. I know what it's like to have your emotions take control of your life and it's not fun. Being robbed of everything based off a decisions you didn't make, but you know what? No matter depression's strength, it's never taken God's love, hope and promises from me. He won't leave like a boy/girlfriend who can't handle it or a parent who thinks you are doing it for attention. He won't love you to your face then spread rumors behind your back. In romans 8: 38- 39 it says,  "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." He loves you and has a great plan for you. Trust that He will protect you, you're still here aren't you and the sun is shining!

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Truth About Me

I am Kaitlin Kwiatkowski and let's just say life hasn't exactly been a walk in the park. I was diagnosed was severe depression and aniexty this summer. It’s been a real struggle but God has saved me. He holds my hand and every day and whispers in my hear, “I love you, keep pushing.” My goal is to let as many teenagers know they aren’t alone in this battle of depression. I get it, everyday is a battle, but if you’re still reading this that means you’re winning. Honestly God’s love is what keeps me going. He is my everything and gives me strength everyday to keep psuhing. I’m always here to talk, it’s completely conifendial, and I will never judge. I will make a daily blog about how I am feeling. It will be raw and real but I think you will relaize you’re not alone in the way you feel. I have been through it all and I’m here to listen and talk. I don’t know you but I already love you. Stay strong and keep pushing.