Thursday, November 28, 2013

Depressed Girls Do it Best

The mirror can be a scary thing. It's the truth we shun day in and day out. God is my mirror. Never does he bullshit me. He is 100% real; however, it doesn't mean I like my reflection.
       Depression distorts our view. If I could I would slug around the house with an army of blankets at hand and cover every last mirror. I hate who I have become. So strong I was, now so meek and mild. Worn out and sick of fighting. I guess we go through seasons of our lives and the sun has set on mine. Eager for it's return I wait. Clawing my way out of my past I look forward to my future. Light is blurred by the past and dream begins to dim. All I wanted to do was to be light and free. I wanted my soul to shine so brightly that light was provided for those around me.
        It's scary(this thing we call depression). Some believe in it while others are skeptics. Whether you believe or not, whether you take meds or not, whether you cut, drink, smoke, eat or whatever you do to escape the pain is real. You may not label it the way I do, but we depressed people wake up with the same feeling. It's as if someone is constantly pushing on our shoulders. Although the force may be lighter on some days then others, constantly supporting yourself can be tiring. I know I'm exhausted. I know I can no longer find the energy to smile and laugh. In all honesty, I'm pissed at God. Why is this taking so long? Why are you ignoring my prayers? Are you too good for me? Please Jesus I need you.
       You can't take on depression by yourself. That wall, that weight pressing on your being is strong. Alone you will crumble, but the loving and supportive hands of those around you victory is possible. Yes, I am fuming at this all too mighty King that is Jesus, but I know He is holding me though I cannot feel it. So as it was 6 months ago, the lights have dimmed and the darkness creeps in. The winter has arrived and I've seemed to be caught off guard. My pride has been thrown away. I need help and will accepting incoming support. God knows I need it.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Still Not Finsihed

Ding ding. Round 2 has officially began. I have been through 2 years of hell, but it’s not time to give my sigh of release quite yet. Am I done? I thought I had made it through everything but it seems like I haven’t.  My heart is still shattered into a million pieces. Will I rise to the occasion or fall to my knees and break? No one gives you a handbook on how to grow up. They especially don’t have a chapter in this longed for book on how to get over rape. One thing is for certain, I am doing this round on my own. 
I am nothing to my classmates and a pain in the ass to my mom. I thought after 6 months of intense, and by that I mean sleep losing, heart gripping, energy draining therapy, I’d be all better. So did everyone else. To their disappointment I still remain a hot mess. They’re still cuts on my wrist and tears in my eye. The monsters still remain in my head and the pain still resides in my heart. I guess pain has become a bitterly familiar friend. Like a drug addict, I would call this time my relapse. I have gone back into old ways and continue to be visited by the same nightmares. I’m not bionic women like others would believe. I am simply a fifteen year old girl trying to figure it all out. 
In all honesty I would have killed myself tonight if it wasn’t for God. I was looked at like a piece of trash. How can I blame her? I have been nothing but trouble and I hate myself for putting her through all of this pain. I am sorry mom. 
I have heard, “I don’t know how to deal with her anymore, 'It's not my job to get you to stop crying, “Stop crying, 'Don't keep continue to use the raping as an excuse. It’s time to move on, and others words which are branded into my mind. I am trying to move on, honestly. Do you think I like hating myself? I hate that I have become a shell of who I used to be. I hate that my mom is too exhausted by me to deal with me. I hate that I have become work to those I love. The only thing I can take comfort in is this round God is still on my team. As the world has turned their backs on me, He has not. I truly believe something is so very wrong with me. I know I have been a hot mess and it’s time to grow up. I am scared, but most importantly, I am scared of myself and my demonds inside. It just goes to show God’s love. He has seen my every bit. He knows me inside and out. He has seen me at my worst and at my best; however, he still loves me. That is what will pull me through. I am officially alone on this Earth, but I push forward with Him walking hand and hand with me. 

Monday, September 30, 2013

Finally Free From The Past

I can finally and fully say "It is finished." I took some time off blogging because the things I needed to work on were meant to be done in privacy. I grew, then broke, then grew, then broke. For the past few months there has been a war in my mind; an internal struggle which I could not go through alone. Jesus held my hand through the excruciating pain. Sexual abuse is a journey, much like life. Being raped is having someone murder your very being. To put you on a pedestal to be made a mockery. I lost myself and didn't know who I was. My life has been uprooted and thrown into the air. All I had to rely on was myself and Jesus. How can you rely on your strength and your core when you look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at you? 14 years of abuse, a year of intense therapy, yet I still felt empty. The war in my mind proved to never cease.

Today is a day I will never forgot, and I genuinely mean that. I have felt utterly lost and depressed everyday of this past month. Nothing was making sense. I couldn't think, and the more blank and neutral I became the further I feel into my hole. Sitting in therapy my heart broke. I didn't know what to say because I had no idea what was going on. Why was my heart breaking in half? It was as if I could feel each tenant being ripped. I was hit with flashes of my life. This poor, little defenseless girl was being pinned to the ground and stripped of her purity. She was left home alone for hours. She didn't know love. That little was me; she never got a chance to grow up. As my life literally flashed before my eyes I began to cry. The weight of her grief, pain, and loneliness feel upon me. The 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10, and 11 year old in me began to press on my heart. It was as if I was going to implode from all of the pressure and pain I felt. I felt Jesus grabbing each one by the hand and guiding them into Heaven. Finally, they were safe and perfectly loved. The only problem was I couldn't let go.

Who was I without my girls? Who was I without the pain? Without my past I felt like I was empty. I honestly saw Jesus bring my girls to safety, but the 5 year old Kaitlin I couldn't let go. She was so strong and she never knew she was loved. I had to let her know how loved she was. Once I realized she would always be a part of me I loosened my grip. She was a kid on Christmas, and as I released her she sprinted towards her present. She no longer had to suffer , relive her pain, or take care of me. Today I once and for all let go of the pain, hurt, and past. I am right back at the beginning now. See life like I said is a journey and you are never fully done. I am back at the beginning of the circle, but this time I am going with the wisdom of the past.

I was on autopilot for 14 years. Being raped almost everyday I disconnected from life; therefore, if you asked me about my best childhood memory I couldn't tell you. It's all a blur and pain is only remembered. God granted my 5 year old a clear voice. She reminded me just how special she was despite the abuse. At age 5 I got my first kiss, behind the book case in pre-K. I was a fire cracker and didn't take crap from anyone. I was light hearted and found the joy in everything. I was naive in a beautiful way; seeing the good in everyone and always focusing on the positive. I was gorgeous and infected people with my free spirit. That little girl left me with these memories and qualities. This is my core. I was lost but I know who I am, it just took a while to find.

Saying goodbye to the past is scary because that means you're starting something new. The unknown is terrifying, but I can take comfort in Jesus's hand holding mine. I experienced the most special feeling ever on this Earth. Today I went through my personal "cross to bare" or crucifix-cation. Leading up to it nothing made sense. I finally accepted it and allowed myself to break down. I felt my pain overwhelm me. Every square inch of my body felt weighed down, and my heart felt empty. My only option was to push through it. I had to sacrifice the warm, familiar blanket of comfort that was my past. I had to give up my girls. When it was all said and done and I surrendered, I have never felt so light. My past is finally gone. The darkness has been extinguished and like a huge war before a triumph I am tired but victorious. I thank God for this trial for it has made me that much closer to Him. I understand, to some degree, His suffering and I am so appreciative. I realize how hard it was for Him to go through that,but He did because He loves me.

I don't know what the future holds but I know it will be good because it is all in His name. I wouldn't take back a second of what has happened; because, it has all lead up to that moment today. I have never been happier or more light. I feel at one with God. I am Kaitlin, I am 15, and I not only survived sexual abuse but thrived thanks to God. I will continue to blog but not on this one. Considered my new blog a new chapter. It's still in the working progress and soon to come. Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

My Last Blog Post; Thanks For Everything

There are some people who read my blog on the daily. And then they're some who just started or who read spastically. No matter when you matter thank you for taking this journey with me. I started blogging on February 24, 2013 and it is now August 2, 2013 and I will be signing out and moving on. It has been a crazy ride with more downs then ups. I have been interviewed by child services, I have been threatened for making this blog, I have been in the hospital for being suicidal, I've cut, I've cried but I am ready to move on.
I started as the girl with a laundry list of mental illnesses. Through time away from my father and intense therapy my illnesses were caused by the abuse and trauma I went through. I have been raped and ostratcized from my father's side of the family. Child services has taken this to a prosecutor and I wanted to take it to court. I wanted to see my father in jail. It's not fair a rapist should be walking around free and possibly hurting other people. It's not fair court can decide whether or not my truth and pain is "true enough". I was 5 and it stopped when I was 11. I didn't have a voice. I was the girl who cried alone while no one cared. I am dropping the case and sleeping well at night knowing God is the ultimate judge. My father's family might not believe me along with people who think this is all an act for attention but at the end of the day I know my truth.
People see me as a rape victim who is weak and weird. I started to believe them but not any more. My past doesn't define me but rather His love defines me. I am God's princess. I am done feeling sorry for myself, calling myself a loser, trying to loose weight to fit in, using this as an excuse, and crying in my room alone. The real Kait is fun, outgoing, goofy, smiley, beautiful, God loving, and has the world in her hands.
I hope through this blog I empowered at least one person to speak up against their abuse. I hope I comforted one person by letting them know they weren't alone. That was the original goal of this blog and although it became muddled along the way it stands true. I have learned so much and grown with God more then I ever thought. Never would I have thought this would be my life but I would not change a thing because it has made me the person I am today. This suffering brought me closer to my best friend and main man, Jesus. Who knows what the future holds but I know it will be damn good because God has a grand plan for me. All of this is in the past and it is time I move on. I am Kait and I am now longer a victim of rape but a survivor. Thanks for taking this journey with me and supporting me. It's been real

How This Blog Started & How I've Suffered Because Of It

I don't know who is reading and how many people actually read this. There are times when I feel I'm just talking to myself. I started this all for a reason. God pulled me to this, I took it, and ran. I don't blog for attention. I don't blog for people to feel bad for me. The one and only reason I do it is for people to know they aren't alone in mental illness, loneliness, and/or abuse.
This is has been really hard. Sharing my journey hasn't been easy. Because my life is on black and white for the whole world to see I'm judge. I'm "that girl" at highschool. I'm the girl that people whisper about as I walk by. People avoid me and I've been left with little to no friends in all honesty. I didn't choose to have this life. I didn't choose to be abused by my father yet everyone acts as if its my fault. High school has been hell. 
I blog because when I was from the age of 5-11 I was sexual abused and raped. While it was going on my mom was out of town. While it was going on my either turned his head along with the rest of my family. Fast forward to now they still turn their head. I never had a voice. I finally am standing up and speaking out. The reason I write is to allow others to speak out as well. I want to let anyone who is reading this, if anyone is, that you aren't alone, you're not a freak, and it isn't your fault. I hope me writing gives you the courage to have a voice as well.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Life Is Beautiful Despite Your Situation

  Despite the pain you may be expericing life is beautiful; however, you have to choose to see it that way. Trust me this isn't easy. I have a laundry list of things that could break a person. I have every single reason and right to become an introvert and shut out the world. I could lose myself as a person and hide in a corner where I would forever remain. I will be honest life can get rough and comes with many storms but believe when I say there's hope. The smile on my face used to be fake. I wanted people to believe I was happy and perfect meanwhile I had a war in my mind. I hid the pain from my ex boyfriend, friends, and family. I was dealing with the rape I expeireicned, all of my father's abuse, an eating disorder, depression, aniexity, and suicide. All I could see was darkness. All of the sudden a burst of light came into my life. That light was named Jesus.
  He really is the ultimate best friend! He is happiness and that is a guraentee. With Him your insecurities vanish. I learned, and this is true for everybody, that I am His masterpiece. He took specicfic time to make me. He is so proud of His creation; therefor, we should  celebrate our bodies rather then trash then and strave ourselves. Girl, most of us are insecure why? You meet a curvy girl, get to know her, and reazlie it doesn't matter what's on the outside but rather the work Jesus does in our hearts. We are all beautiful because we are His masterpiece. After learnig this my eating disorder vanished and I love my buddah(aka my stomach that's not flat).
  Also, when learnig more about Jesus and becoming closer to him fear's grip on you dissapates and your worries vanish. I have no idea what will happen with my father, my bestfriend living in another state, or my future. Although I have no idea I don't fear the unknown. The creator of the universe has a plan specially for you. You're His princess why would he want anything bad for you.
   Finally, this pain and this life is temporary. If you confess your sins, want a relationship with Jesus, and give Him you're broken stained heart He will morph it into something beautiful. If that isn't enough when you die you get to join your best friend, Jesus, in a place called Heaven. Heaven it's pure bliss where everyone gets along, there is no sin, and joy is all you feel. Storms pass but know Jesus is holding your hand through it all. Knowing all of this I can't help but smile and this time It's genuine.
                                                                     To whom ever is reading this know I love you!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

My Past Doesn't Define Me

Dirty. You can ask any sexual abuse victim how they feel and most likely that will be their answer. Even though you are a victim there is Satan who whispers into your ear and convinces you it's your fault. He tells you that you asked for it and you wanted it. You are so lost that you believe it. It makes it all the more worse when it was someone you were close with or a relative. It has taken me some time but I am slowly starting to realize it wasn't my fault. I was only 6. I was a child.
I pray there are little to know people who can relate to my pain but unfortunately there are quite a bit. Even if you haven't been sexually abused we all still have a dark past or skeletons in our closets. Whether they're things we've done or things that we've had done to us we still feel embarssesment and guilt. What if someone found out? What if someone acually knew everything there was to know about you. I bet you think they would run away as far as possible. Well, you are wrong and so was I.
There was a man named Jesus. He knew everything about you, inside and out, and yet He still loved and continues to love you. He loved you so much that He died for you. When you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior you become a new creation.
2 Corinthians 5:17-New Living Translation (NLT)
17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!
Your sins and past will be wiped clean. My past is gone.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Hope>Depression & My Past

Depression has creeped up on me and I can feel it slowly surround and suffocate me. Some of the most important people in my life are moving. I feel invisible to everyone around and as if I don't matter. This past week and a half I have spent countless nights awake and upset. It feels like there is a ton of bricks weighing me down and I am losing to strength to fight.
I have learned the hard way that life is a journey and not a destination. It comes with ups and downs. I guess right now I am experiencing a down period. Something I will never forget: Someone told me I am making a mockery of depression and how pathetic I am because I am putting on this show. It didn't bother me because at the end of the day God and I know the horrors I have been through and the pain I have felt. Depression is cancer of the mind. It is a disease that you can't be blamed for. No matter what people say ground yourself. You know what's real. We need to support each other because this life isn't easy but there is hope and joy, but you have to go looking for it.
Today was another awful flashback. I was raped multiple times. My brain did a pretty solid job on blocking things out but when God feels I am strong enough He gives me a little piece of that memory back. Today was rough to say the least. I may feel like I am invisible and alone most of the time but that isn't the case. What I am going through is hell but God is more powerful then my problems. He is the ultimate best friend and with Him all things are possible. If I would have had my recent flashback a few months ago I would have killed myself. I am still in a lot of pain but with Jesus it's manageable.
I don't know what other people situations are but I know one thing for sure; that is, Jesus loves you and I more then we will ever understand! I am not invisible but rather His world. I am His princess. I am not that weird depressed girl who was raped by her own father. No, I am a strong, beautiful, and kick ass young women who is God's princess.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Loneliness: A Feeling We All Experience

People come and go. Relationships rust, spoil, and fade. The only relationship that can withstand anything and is always there is Jesus. With everything I am going through I have lost a lot of friends. People are scared to talk to me because they don't know what to say. Also with my mom back at work I spend most of my days alone, and while normally this would upset me it doesn't. Since I have became closer with Jesus I realize He is my ultimate best friend.
During quiet time today I was extremely upset. I woke up upset and it became works as the hours passed. I recently got back from Young life camp where everything was safe. During that week I wasn't in the reality of this broken world. I was surrounded by people I loved and we were all striving for a better relationship with Jesus. I didn't have my phone and I escaped all my problems. I just got back a few days ago and I was thrown into my shattered reality. The truth that my best friend was moving, I spent my days alone, my broken past, and my broken family. During my quiet time no joke I was running on and on praying and making no sense. I heard Jesus tell me to stop and open the Bible. He told me to go to Isaiah 43:5. The verse said this,"Do not be afraid for I am with you. I will gather you and your children from the East and west." Like WOW!
I felt the verse speaking to me in such a way of comfort. Yes, I might be low on friends, family, and support but I am NOT low on Jesus. My fear of loneliness is irrational. Jesus will provide. Even though my best friend, sister, and angle is leaving doesn't mean that's the end of our friendship. I know we will go through ups and downs and soon I will be out in New York City with her. I will be in the audience holding up a huge sign during her concert that says,"Number One Fan". I kid you not. Also, I have met some of the most amazing young women at camp that I am excited to grow closer to. Jesus is awesome and works in mysterious ways which I will never understand. I will cast out my fears and replace them with faith. Jesus you're THE man and my man. Thank you.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Story Of A Girl She Thought No One Loved

People see me and all they can see if a bright smile. Unfortunately, it wasn't always this way. I am Kaitlin Kwiatkowski and this is my story.
I grew up in a home where no one ever paid attention to me nor cared. My mom was a workaholic due to my father's lack of a steady job. This was followed by my brother who escaped the hell of the Kwiatkowski house by never being home. That left my father and little 5 year old me home alone. Through flashbacks and panic attacks I remembered my dark past which was buried away so deep it was never to be found. From the age of 5-12 I was sexually abused. On top of many gross memories of my father the worst is this. I remember maybe 2 months ago that I was raped. This happened for years and not only that but it was often. So while little Kaitlin was being raped and crying for help no one came to her rescue. I thought I was unlovable and most people agreed.
Fast forward a few years and now I am 14. My parents are divorced, I am seeing my father for who he truly is, I have lost half of my family due to them taking my father's side, I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and post traumatic stress syndrome, and finally I am hanging on by a thread. I was so empty and so broken I ran to the one place where it felt comfortable. I ran to a boy.
I knew Jesus as of last summer and I started a relationship with Him but I was only playing the "christian role". I was really focusing all my energy into this guy. He became my world and I fell head over heels. I was shocked that someone could actually like me. What was more important to me was that this someone was a guy. I craved guys acceptance and affection due to the lack of a real father. I turned to the wrong place and ended up hurting myself and him. A 16 year old guy can't deal with me. I was too much of an imperfect mess for him and he turned his back on me when I needed him the most. I over reacted and I feel awful because I made his life a living hell. All I wanted was for someone to love every side of me and never abandon me. My best friend, the guy who was my world not only left me but hated me. Once again I was alone.
When things got extremely bad I remember that I started a relationship with Christ so I turned to Him. This past 2 months I have been put through hell. I was failing as a daughter and a friend. I was in so much pain that I lost myself. People became fed up and left. I was once and for all alone. No one understood nor wanted to understand. I needed so desperately needed someone to understand me, know everything, yet still love me. I couldn't find that in anyone. Not my mom, ex, or best friend. My mom and friend loved me but got frustrated and didn't understand. I spent my days feeling like a freak. Who could ever love someone who has been raped BY HER OWN FATHER. I felt disgusting, impure, and alone. I thought maybe I was just a freak and that no one would ever love me. If my own father doesn't love me then how can anyone else?
Now throughout the year I had gotten close to Jesus Christ but honestly these past two months I have fully given my heart, life, and all of my being to Him. I realized He would never leave. When no one else loved this little freak Jesus did. When I felt like dirt at the bottom of everyone's shoes He saw me as His everything. I was His world. Finally someone knew everything about me inside and out; also, He understood my mind, heart, and soul yet He still loved me. He loved the dark and bright parts of me. While there are still days like today where my past haunts me and Satan whispers in my ear, "No one loves you. You could have stopped him but you didn't. You're disgusting and deserve all of this. You're a freak and everyone can see" i don't lose hope. I sit there shaking feeling out of control and whisper back to Satan the name of My Savior. Jesus swoops me up and I can actually feel His arms around me.
My past doesn't define me but rather Jesus' love for me. The smile on my face is now genuine. I have my moments but life is beautiful. I no longer have to fight alone with the fear of losing. I have Jesus on my side and He has already won. He beat death and took my sins with Him. This world is temporary. While I am here I will not focus on the sins of others but bettering my relationship with God. Through this I found my purpose. I will start a charity and let every child know how loved they are by someone who died for them. Jesus' love has saved me and I celebrate because of that.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

When You Feel Like A Freak & No One Understands

The struggles I've dealt with: As a child no one ever paid attention to me. I didn't haves many friends, but most importantly I didn't receive attention from my family. Because my father got fired my mom was forced to work all the time to keep us a float. My father went out all the time and when he was home he was abuse me. My bother didn't know how to deal with the chaos so he said very little to me. It was if I had this deadly disease and no one wanted to be around it, or really me for the case. Then I grew up and jumped from school to school. I finally settled at my highschool which was my third school. High school is all about "fitting in" and being "normal". Nothing about me was normal. 

While girls were prancing around at football games I was having a panic attack and crying on my floor. While kids were going to school I stayed home because I couldn't get off the floor. I wasn't like anyone, I'm still not, and I never will be. Honestly this used to make me so depressed. I'd see teenagers hanging out with their friends and I thought I was never going to be like them. All these girls look so happy and I'm glad for them but I feel like a freak. Unfortunately a lot of people are judgmental and also see me that way. When you've been sexual abused you feel so dirty and you feel like everyone can see. You feel like you've got a big sign on your head saying "I'm a freak" and everyone steers clear of you. Also having a mental illness of any sort makes you feel different and a freak. People don't understand and are closed minded. God will send people in your life who do and will support you. 

I'm going through al lot right now. Because I was ignored as a child and couldn't express my feeling at 5,6,7,8,9 or 10 I am expressing them now and it's creating many fights. Because my mom was always at work I'm acting very immature right now and want her by side a lot of the time. I'm scared to be alone. Also I have anger towards her I never express. The immature side feels she deserves it but the 15 year old me knows she doesn't and because my father doesn't have a job for some time she was forced to support us. Because my father sexually abused me they are things I do differently then "normal" teenagers. Right now I don't have a boyfriend, I spend a lot of time alone thinking, I got to therapy twice a week, I've lost a lot of friends, and I don't like to be exposed. Whether you've had a rough past or have depression, bipolar, or anxiety you're fragile. People around you need to open their damn mind, stop being judgement all, and be understanding. 

Sometimes I'm happy while other days I'm bawling. I've had a hard life and working through things. I'm so blessed to have a mom whose been so supportive and understanding. She doesn't deserve any of my anger that should be addresses to my father. I'm so sorry I've been a pain and a bad daughter. I'm trying so hard. So my advice. You could be in any mood at all and God lives you no matter what. Instead of sharing your feeling on twitter talk to God then to someone else. Abuse, neglect, family issues, mental illnesses. They are all so confusing so when talking to someone you'll be all over the place and say things you don't mean. Calm down and just go off when talking to god. He can take it and will calm you down. 

People need to understand there's no "normal". It's a false persona. We all go through things. People need to learn not to judge and love everyone. If you're going through something I'm always here for you and ill be your friend. Don't feel like a freak. This is you and this is the life you're given. Know God is the ultimate friend who never judges. Take time to grieve and think but also take time to enjoy life. I have my days where I cry and cry but I also have my days where I'my crazy fun self. People need to learn to accept all sides of each other. God loves you for YOU and ALL parts of you and so do I. There's no normal therefore there is no such thing as a freak! Werk America and let your freak flag fly!! 

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

One Year Anniversary

This journal entry was written the first night I accepted Christ. I remember it like it was yesterday. My patents recently got divorced, my mom and I weren't talking, I was living at my fathers, I spent many nights alone, and my depression was beginning. I was completely numb. I couldn't cry, I wasn't happy, I just felt nothing. 
I was at Younglife camp when I heard someone talk about this man named Jesus. I knew about god but I was pissed at him. I felt he didn't love me and was hurting me on purpose. I found out that night that he died for ME. The he loved ME. My father made it quite clear I was unlovable but hearing the story of Jesus being crucified was earth shattering news. Someone actually loved me. After the lecture we had cabin time where I felt this urge to talk. I told my whole story and that night I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and it was the best decision I have and ever will make. 
Now it's a year later and my things have changed. I moved out of my fathers to my ma's house, I started highschool, I developed a relationship with my best friend that will never be broken, I found out I had depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. I also started remembering my childhood and found out I was sexually abused by my father. I went to the hospital for being suicidal, I started a blog, I broke up with my boyfriend, and I have been broken and put back together many times. 
My road to recovery has been painful and hard but I wouldn't be alive or made it this far if it wasn't for God. He saved my life in so many ways. I now have a purpose. My pain has a purpose. I know I am going through this that way some other little girl doesn't have to. I have devoted my life to serving God and helping people with depression or those who've been abused.
My life has been painful but I wouldn't change on thing because its made me the women I am today. I still have a long way to go but I will not fear. This week I have had 4 severe panic attacks where I thought I wasn't going to make it. I know it has to get worse before it gets better but I will hold on to the one thing the remains constant, Christ's love. I survive because He loves. I love you.

Monday, June 24, 2013

The Suicidal Teenager Lives

Life's a bitch. There is no other way to put that. Thankful for God is only temporary. In this life, on Earth, Satan and his deamonds can effect us unlike heaven where you're untouchable. For right now I have to grit and bare all this pain. I have a lot to be upset about. I mean my own father betrayed me in the worst way possible. From that I had mental and physical scars that will never quite go away. As the memories flood my support here on earth dwindles. 
This month has been pure hell. I have lost a lot of friends. Because I was abused I feel abnormal and like a freak. I feel so ugly on the inside and I feel as if everyone around me can see that; therefor, no one wants anything to do with me. The days are full of pain and loneliness. I had one of the worst flashback and 2 days later I find out my best friend is moving. I felt as if my life was officially falling apart. Every time I get up I get pushed back down. I saw no point on continuing to keep pushing. 
The Lord changed my thinking. I'm so strong. Instead of thinking back to all my panic attacks, the hospital, and my past and being discouraged it's encouraged me. Instead of thinking my life is constant pain I can see how strong I am. I made it through all of that because of God! He is king of the universe and with him by my side I can anything.
My father took my childhood, innocence, and so much more from me. He will not get another second from me. This is my life. Whatever comes my way I will see as Gods plan and make the best out of it. 
It does suck that when I need my friend the most she moves but I'm so proud of her. She is fearless. She's moving, at 16, to New York City to follow her calling. She's my inspiration and I couldn't be more proud. I know she'll pave the road for me like so always has and show me the way. 
Highschool does suck but I will just make the best out of it. Instead of waiting for someone to be friends with me I will go out and be the first to text them or ask them to hangout. I have spent too many years crying and being abused. This is my time to get healthy and allow god to shine through me. There will be more pain and tears but it means I'm getting better. 
It's okay to get angry with god. We won't understand all that He does but we have to have faith. Having faith is what ha kept me alive and I will never lose it. He created me to love me and so I could love him. He is ruler of all and ultimately had a plan for good for me. I will never ever give up. I'm taking back the power. 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Freedom from Suffering

Pain has a powerful grip, I should know. Depression has a powerful grip. Anxiety, guilt, remorse, loneliness. These all have such a strong grip and want to ruin every second of your life. It's so easy to allow your circumstances to effect you and your being. It's so easy to give into my sorrow and be depressed. I mean I have evey right. The man I trusted the most, my father, betrayed me in the worst possible way. That would send any one into depression or worse, suicide. The harder thing to do is to wake up and despite the pain you smile. While yes I have plenty to cry about I also have so much to smile about. 

Hope is a really powerful thing. Faith is a powerful thing. These things are more powerful then your pain. Allowing your circumstances to control you leads to a path of destruction. There are still days I can't get out of bed and face reality. It's not easy but everyday you have to choose happiness. This life that brings you pain is only temporary. The pain shapes us and makes us stronger. 

Remind yourself you're loved. God is more powerful then any suffering you experience. Don't let your past or present have any more control over you. I'm done giving my father any power over me. He will not ruin my life. I won't give into the pain but rather allow it to make me a better person. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Surviving Through the Darkness

I know pain, embarrassment, loneliness, feeling lost, and so much more. I found out the hard way you can't escape your problems but rather deal with them head on. I went on vacation for a week hoping to forget reality. Unfortunately reality bit me in the ass. At my grandparents 50th anniversary dinner I found myself  locked in a bathroom crying uncontrollably. The reality of my life was so awful. I've experienced things no kid should go through. Sadly millions are abused and or have a mental illness like me. While loosing my breath I experienced the all time worse flash back ever. Being sexually abused is so painful, shameful, and awful that I blocked it out. Through life and daily things God every now and then allows me to remember something about my past.  He doesn't give me what I can't handle but I'm loosing it.
When I remembered I about threw myself in front of a car. Life can be so hard. Because of sin this world is full suffering. People die at a young age, people are raped, people get cancer, school shooting occur, and everything far and inbetween. Honestly this corrupted world makes no sense. I was so young. I didn't ask for him to violate me. I didn't ask to have a laundry list of mental illnesses but this is my life. Because its scary and confusing people's first reaction is to blame God. I spent years angry at him but I realized none of this is his fault. He gives people free will and because of the Devil and sin bad things happen. He didn't make this happen to me but rather allowed it to happen for a reason. God is all I have. Almost all of my friends won't talk to me. I am not invited anywhere, I'm never texted, I'm never even noticed. I feel like all eyes are on me and some freak show. God is all I have.
In the midst of all of this God holds onto me tightly despite me letting go multiple times. I'm so confused and mess up all the time. There's no handbook on how to deal with suffering. My best advice is, the bigger the storm the more tightly you hold on. Open up your heart to him. Embrace the pain because it will makes you stronger. Hold out because at the end of this awful storm there's a rainbow. That beautiful rainbow is being in heaven with your daddy in heaven where everything is perfect. Jesus has experienced everything you have. He experienced rejection, humiliation, suffering, loneliness, temptation, and everything we go through daily. He understands. In pain we all run to something. Yesterday I wanted so badly to text my ex. I wanted him to hold me and tell me everything would be alright. That would have one nothing but hurt me more. Whatever your running to wont help. Even family can hurt. My brother is turning 18 today and he is a complete stranger to me. My own father betrayed me in the worst way possible. My mom is truly a blessing but even she can't take the time away.
Ask yourself this: whatever you're running to, does it love you back? Will it always love you? Will it love you at your worse? I could easily answer that with no. My ex wants nothing to do with me. Despite my pleads its over and any hint of love is gone. He helped for a little while but my heart ended up breaking. God is the only way. I sat up at two last night sitting outside and thinking. At one time in my life the people I love the most have hurt me. Not only has god never hurt me but he's always there to help with the pain.m
Whatever you're going through you will survive. Going through it is going to suck. You'll be hurt but even in darkness you cannot hide from gods light and love. Please if you ever need anything I'm here for you. Don't be afraid to talk to me. With god by your side you can get through anything.

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Struggle of Fathers Day

I was dreading yesterday. Father's Day meant a day of grief, pain, and fear. A father in a girls life plays a big role. She's her protector and your his little girl. Thats why It's hard to accept the man who sexual abused you is your own father. To anyone who has never met their father, their father abandon you,  passed on, or abuse you I have a glimmer of joy.  

I woke on up Father's Day scared to what the day held. How would I feel? Would I have an attack? Would I get Arab message from mr. Kwiatkowski? As I sat down for quiet time my whole view on things changed. God reminded HE is my true father and the best father in the universe. He will never ever leave me or hurt me in any way. 

My father was never a role model. He corrupted me instead of raising me. God is the ultimate role model. He can not only reverse the pain & corruption but change my heart into a women of God. Despite the man mistakes I have and will make God still loves me SO mucho rapier my father. He never loved me he just used me, and when I was smart enough to realize what was happening was wrong he neglected me. 

With The Lord I'm whole and happy. It's completely true when saying a father is one of the most important part of your life. Luckily each an everyone of us has a Heavenly Father to love us and guide us. 

So it's true I don't have an earthly father. I don't even consider him a part of my life anymore but I do have a Heavenly Father. He's perfect, loving, kind, and forgiving. I can never hide from his presence. He's my best friend and will be for eternity. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Highschool Survival.

It's safe to say high school can be the best and/or worst time of your life depending on your situation and how you choose to look at it. Currently I'm experiencing the worst part. The pain is so deep. I struggle everyday dealing with my mental illnesses and abuse. I wish almost everyday that I was like any other teenage girl, but I've come to realize any teenager will have struggles and pain.. It's part of life and high school.

You'll experience and maybe experiencing loneliness. It's so hard to find real friends. Friends that stick by you no matter what. Because of being sexually abused I feel like a freak and it doesn't help when I'm treated like one. People won't talk to me and some of my friends have left me. Times get lonely. I may look like I have it all together but there are days I still feel like a loser. Thank God I have the King of Kings as my best friend. When times get lonely I just remember Gods promise to never leave me. Honestly people who only like one side of you aren't real friends so why would you want to be around them? It takes a while but there's always that one friend that ends up being family. They accept and embrace your every flaw. They inspire you and keep you grounded. They pick you up when your down. They're rare in Highschool but I promise they are out there. Whenever I'm lonely I pray and just hangout with my main Man I'm always in constant conversation with God which stops the loneliness and self doubts.  

This brings me to my second thing. Highschool is a time to truly find yourself, and you better believe you'll doubt every step of the way. I've lost myself so many times but what always brings me back is these promises: 
God loves me no matter what! No matter my size, appearance, my past, or my mistakes. 
He will never leave my side.
He has my WHOLE life planned out for me and while there are downs He has a wonderful plan for me. 
So don't compare yourself to other girls. Would I love to be 5'9 and 120? Well of course but God blessed me with a fully functional body that's healthy. I'm 5'2 & 130. I stand loud and proud. I'm beautiful because I was created by a masterpiece. 

Boys are cruel. They are immature and almost always end up hurting you in Highschool. We aren't mature enough to not hurt each other. All I can say it you love, laugh, cry, then move on. I don't regret going out with my ex. I was in love and enjoyed every second. I grew from that export ex and wouldn't change a thing. If you're ridding the struggle bus and have been single for a while no sweat! God already has your husband picked out. He's everything you dreamed and more. Trust God.

Finally don't worry about the future. You're going to go to college pick a major, change it, then change it again. Or maybe you won't go to college. Trust god for He created the universe. He can and already has taken care of your future. Work on being the eat you and getting closer to the Big Guy because at the end of the day he's all that matters. High school sucks at time but its a blimp on your life time. Enjoy the good parts and hold on to God during the bad parts.

Monday, June 10, 2013

My Unfinished Story & The Truth: You're Not Alone In Your Pain

     It's amazing to see how God works. For instance, while my depression severely worsened in December my aunt for Christmas bought me, "Perks of Being a Wallflower". I started reading it right away. It was so scary. Reading the book every night was like taking a look in the mirror This wasn't a fake look. It wasn't the kind of look where you see want you to see but rather looking at the truth. I was depressed. I would have severe panic attacks. I would cut and I was suicicdal. I had to stop reading it due to the nightmares I was having. After 6 months I finally watched the movie and discovered the full story. Because of that, I am writing what is my most powerful blog. This blog is about looking myself in the mirror and seeing the truth. I was told not to write about this but I am not ashamed or scared of what will happen. This is my story.
     I know I watched that movie tonight for a reason. It was perfect timing. I finally can handle the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Tonight forced me to see the truth. One of the weirdest things in life is watching someone live your life. All the pain and suffering you go through feels "rare" or like nobody else goes through it therefore you consider yourself a freak. I was diagnosed with depression in November. The time from November to December seems like a blur to me. I had 5 severe panic attacks weekly. It's hard to imagine what I went through if you aren't me, but if you've seen or read "Perks of Being a Wallflower" you'd somewhat understand. When Charlie at the end loosing himself and tries to commit suicide know that was like me. I'd be in so much agony I would choke, scratch, and feel like I was dying. It was the scariest thing in my life. Honestly if it wasn't for God I'd dead and you wouldn't be reading this. Suicide is not a choice. People talk about how selfish it is but when you're in so much pain you lose it and are willing to do whatever to make it stop. God had and still has a plan for me; therefore, he'd stop me every time.
    In Janurary I went into the hospital for trying to commit suicide. It was a wake up call. I realized the problem I have is severe and can only be solved with honestly walked around feeling like a freak. If only anyone knew how messed up I was or the real me, they would never love me. I realized I had somebody that did, Jesus. He didn't see me as a freak but as a survivor. So in the upcoming months I got many medical diagnosis of my condition but no real answers. I had post traumatic stress, panic disorder, aniexty, and depression. None of this terms explained why I was feeling the way I was. That's when I met my current therapist and found Gods light at the end of the tunnel.
    People don't understand but when you're abused or go through something traumatic your mind blocks it out. It took a while to get back my memory but just like Charlie events that took place in my everyday life brought them back. I was sexually abused by my own father from the age of 6-12 or something like that. I'm not ready to go into details but getting everything out is part of my healing. But saying what happened wasn't enough. I now am dealing with the feelings that come along with the memories. I have days where I can't go outside  and face people because of how dirty I was. I was so much I could be a normal teenager. I was so young & innocent. My own father. I blame myself but then realize its no where near my fault. I'm going through the toughest time in my life. Lawyers are involved and my father seemed the best lawyer to ruin me, but I'm not scared. The truth is powerful and God is on my side.
    Like I said a month ago, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I would love to be a normal teenager but that's not what God planned for me. I really wouldn't change anything. It has made me the person I am today. No man will ever take advantage of me again. This experience has showed me God. It has shown me His love, power, forgiveness, purity, and grace. He has given me big plans. I will make sure every and anyone knows they aren't alone. I will be in the best sellers list for the book I'm going to write and on TV for my charity that I will open. Through pain comes triumph. Things are awful but to look how far I've from is truly beautiful. I went from being suicicdal to hopeful. I went from hating life to loving every part of it, even the bad stuff. I share my story to give others a voice. We the mentally ill, sexually abused, or outcast are strong. Most importantly, we are loved. I survive because He loves. “So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Being Abused

I've spent my past few months feeling so dirty, wrong, and guilty for something that happened to me. I felt as if I asked for it. Because I didn't fight back, it was my fault and I wanted it. I had to realize I was and honestly I still am a child. I was violated at the early age of 5. How could a 5 year old defend herself and her innocence against a 6'2, 230 lb father?

Honestly I walk around most days feeling less then everyone around me. I feel you dirty to be in their presence. Some days I just want to be a normal teenager, but that wasn't Gods plan for me. If I wasn't abused in the most disgusting ways this blog would not have happened.i wouldn't be this strong. I see life so differently now. 

Everything happens for a reason. There is purpose in pain and I know my purpose. That's not to say it isn't painful. Everyday almost twice a day I have to remind myself: it's not my fault. I was a minor and defenseless against him. I am not dirty! That's the old me. I'm no longer a victim but a survivor and a child of God. That's not dirty but beautiful. Please forgive yourself. With abuse comes our mistakes. Maybe it's gave ore-marital sexual, drugs, or other sins. God is a forgiving and understanding God. 

I'm guilty of not handling my abuse properly. I find it hard to look into the mirror or forgot myself. God reminds through psalm 139, he knows all my mistakes before I even make them and eat he stills loves me. He forgives me. The creator of the universe forgives me so who I am not to forgive myself? 

Yes, I was abused. I was taken advantage of but I was saved and washed cleanly by the love of God. You're not dirty and the abuse isn't your fault. You're a beautiful survivor and child of God. Forgive yourself and show everything how much God had changed you. Spread the hope and share you story. This blog isn't for me but you. I want others to know they aren't alone and they're loved. 

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Survival Guide When You've Lost Hope

I have reached this point too many times. I had another attack last week and it was like the old ones. I choked, cried, screamed, and felt like committing suicide. This week God has given me a new perspective on my life. Things right now are worse then ever. Between lawyers, private investigators, child services, the hatred from my father, and the shame that comes along with the abuse life can seem dark and hopeless. I broke out in tears. Never would I think my life would be like this. One day, when I'm through all of this, I hope I can make a difference by sharing my entire story. I'm not giving up despite the terrible circumstances. 

Anyone would look at me and have no idea any of this is going on. It's worse then you imagine my life to be, but because of God I manage to keep an honest, genuine smile. How? God changed my thinking and perspective. 

First off, you're never alone. It may feel like its you against the world but I can promise you you're not. 
Psalm 139: 7-10 
" I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me."
He will never leave your side.

Also, God has already overcome the world. Your problems are never to grand or great compared to Gods power. 
Jeremiah 32:27
"I am The Lord, the God of all man kind. Is anything too hard for me?" 

The most important thing I think about when I feel like ending it all: this life will e filled with pain & suffering. It all had a purpose. It's preparing for our true home. Earth is our temporary home. Our true home is an eternity in Heaven with our best friend, father, and bridegroom God and Jesus. There will be no pain in Heaven. From Completely His Shannon Ethridge describe Heaven like this, "imagine the presence of all things we love about this world and the absence of all things we hate. Imagine all the wonders of nature, such as oceans and mountains, without any hurricanes or earthquakes or other natural disaster. Envision having a strong, fit body that never ages, never aches, never gets fat, never gets sick, and never does. Imagine being around your family without anyone getting mad, getting even, or string their feelings hurt. In heaven, everything is perfect. Heaven is sin free, guilt free, stress free, sickness free, and abuse free. Only peace and prosperity for all Gods children to enjoy."
All this pain is worth it. Committing suicide won't send you to heaven. H. O. P. E.(hold on pain ends) I'm here for you. God is by your side. He loves you. He won't leave you. Keep pushing. 

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Suicidal Teenager Part: III

I feel like I've been on autopilot the past couple of weeks. I let God slip through my hands. I would pray but just do it as a routine. The old Kaitlin started coming back and I began hating myself. I started to get depressed more often which would then be covered by a big, fake smile. I'm kidding myself when I say I'm fine. No I am not. I am struggling, I am drowning, and I'm losing God along with myself. It was day to say what was going on in my life. I could say the facts but not to emotions. I can say my father has abused me in multiple ways but when you ask me how I feel about it my mind literally goes blank and I become numb. Today was the last straw. I couldn't take it. I go to my brothers graduation and feel like a stranger. I avoid mr. Kwiatkowski at all costs. My brother and I have a fake relationship. When we see each other there's so much to say it we act like nothing has happened. I went into a deep depression tonight. It was happening again. My breath quickened, my body began to shake, and the tears started flowing. I was about to go into a full blown panic attack. The kind where I would have to be e tired to the hospital because I was about to stop the pain and kill myself.

No, this time I was stronger. I just sat and prayed. This was something I hadn't done in a while. I just sat and talked to him for an hour and crying out for him. Honestly I am losing it. The "issues" that are going on right now are life changing, the memories are terrifying, and I am growing apart from everyone in my life. My best firend, my angel, is moving to another state and is beyond busy. I'm so proud and I won't do anything to screw it up. It's her time to focus on herself and my time to support. All of my dads side of the family looks at me in discuss and I realized I have few friends, well actually no friends to turn to. My poor Mom is going through just as much,mic not more pain then me.  Like I said I pulled away from god so I was so alone. As we talked I began to bawl. Little Kaitlin. Little 5 yeard old Kaitlin being abused and taken advantage of by her own father. By the man she thought was superhero. No one knew. They were all too busy focusing on themselves. I felt so unloved and until this nights realized I never got oer it. I looked for love in my ex, which was just terrible and one of the most painful experiences. I just realized that little5 year old never grew up and I always carried her around with me. She just wanted someone to love her.

Tonight I realized it was just God. He is all I really have at the end of the day. I felt comfort followed by worry and this passion to help little 5 year Kaitlin. She was so innocent. She didn't know any better. That monster took advantage of her. There are so many situations like this. I made a promise to little Kaitlin that she would never go through that again. Then I made a promise to take care of any one who has gone through that. They are so young and confused. All they want is someone to love them. Someone needs to protect them and God told me it was my job.

If you are going through something so dark and you feel like giving up read this paragraph: 
You know when you are in so much pain you just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. Know that God is your hiding place and your shelter. He will protect and surround you with his love. I know life seem not worth living and confusing but there is always a purpose in pain. Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For the pain you see is temporary but the unseen(heaven, god, love, hope) is forever. God has got an amazing plan for you. His son, Jesus, will be with you every step of the way. Don't be afraid. Jesus has already overcame death and the world. You're in good hands.

When You Just Want To Give Up

If you're anything like me and have similar issues as I do we are asking ourselves the same question, "How in the hell did I get here?" My life was completely different a year ago. All in one year I was hit with depression, aniexty, suicidal thoughts, a broken, family, realizing abuse, a broken relationship with more then half of my family, and all the awful mess I'm going through right now. I can easily say this past couple of months have and will be the hardest time of my life. I don't share what is going on right now  with many people but what I will say is its brutal. It keeps me up at night, it causes too many tears, it robs me of my care free smile, and weighs heavy on my heart.
To be honest sometimes I want a normal family. I want a father who will love me. I wish when my mom and I get in fights I could have a dad to talk to and help me through this. I don't. What really sucks is I miss my father when I never really had one. He never loved me. He took advantage of me. He now hates me and will do whatever to hurt me. He sent a private investigator to embarrass and adtimidate me so I will take down this blog. He wants me to pay for speaking up and finally having a voice. He went to my ex-boyfriends house just to embarrass me.

One day all of this will be over but I will still be left with depression and the memories. Every now and then those dark thoughts will creep into my head. Most importantly I will be left with half a family which I am grateful for but to have the other half of your family be discusted by you hurts. My own aunt who was like a mother to me has avoided me. I don't see my cousin anymore and most of all my own brother is going off into the world and I am afraid I have lost him forever. You know with everything happening to me right it could push anyone to suicide. I don't feel like killing myself but rather give up. You know the feeling where you want to crawl in a ball and stay there forever. Well you aren't alone in these feelings:
-being rejected by friends
-being rejected by someone you love
-feeling alone in a crowded room
-being abused(in any type of way)
- having a family member look at you in the eye and you can see their hate for you
-trying to commit suicide
-never feeling good enough
-being desperate for a guys approval because you hate yourself
-having an eating disorder
-having to deal with the police showing up at your house

I mean the list for me and I bet some of you goes on and on. I know when people see me they would never know I have gone through all of this by the smile on my face. I get asked all the time how I still smile. My answer is short and sweet, "It's all because of God." So things are truly hell right now. They will be over and when the storm passes I will be so strong and ready to take on the world. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I now have a purpose, a story to tell, a passion to help others, and a relationship with God. Also Inwas abuse and taken advantage of beyond belief.  Yes what he did I will never fully understand and I do feel dirty and unwanted sometimes but Gods loving thoughts of me out number the grains of sand on this Earth and nothing will take that away. You know things are hard. Life is hard. Problems are piling on top of you and you feel like you're going to break. Just give it up to God. There is no wound God cannot heal. Hope is one of the most powerful things. You can choose happiness. Have faith in God that pain has purpose. Most people are fake and lost. Friends will change and leave your side but God won't. He isn't that friend who one day stabbed you in the back. He isn't that ex boyfriend who literally broke your heart, knows he did it, and doesn't care. He isn't that father who comes home drunk and chases you around the house. No he isn't any of these people. He's a best friend who is there forever. He is a Father who created you so he could love you. He is your creator who took time to make you special and different from everyone else. He loves you. There is a point when you'll be in Heaven with me. You will be truly home soon. Nothing on this Earth matters because its all temporary. Pain is temporary. Gods love and promises are forever.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Don't be Ahasamed of Your Past Because It Doesn't Define Your Future

This has been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. That statement means two very important things to me. The first thing is not letting what had happend to you define you. I would walk around and feel like a freak because all that's happened to me. I was I'm the hospital for trying to commit suicide. I was abused most of my childhood. I had and still have depression, aniexty, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. Okay that's a part of me but that isn't who I am. You aren't a victim of th past or your issues. You are a child of God. You are THE child of the King of Kings. He is smiling down on you right now because you're fighting whatever darkness you have in your life. My family is wracked out. I used to think we could have a reality TV show; however, with everything that has happened it wouldn't even be HBO appropriate. All of that doesn't define me. I'm not Mr.Kwiatkowski's daughter. No. I'm kick ass Kaitlin the servant and child of God.

Yes people have talked about me and not wanted to be around me.
"Her life brings too much drama and I don't want to be a part if that."
"She is faking her depression for attention."
"That one psycho chick."
Cool. Think what you want but I know of all that darkness doesn't define me. I am strong and choose to rise above it and so can you.

The second thing: your past mistakes doesn't define you. Oh golly I'm no where near perfect. I find myself gossiping, judging, and many other things. I regret being the crazy ex girlfriend. I regret beig the attention seeker 8th grader who did whatever to fit in. I regret laughing at you and calling you names. I regret and am sorry for my sins of yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I'm born a sinner. No matter how hard I try I will make mistakes and fall short of Gods glory. Luckily, we are all blessed becuase God is a loving and forgiving God on top of just being mega chill and all around awesome! Every time I sin or I turn my back on God I recognize my wrongs, apologize, then God accepts me back with open arms.

Craziest thought ever. Before God even created the world, He thought of you personally. He knew all the mistakes you were and are going to make even before you had the chance to make Him yet He still loved and loves you. He loves you so much that He sent His only son to die for you and take your sins with Him. When Jesus was on that cross He knew all the wrongs you were going to do but He wanted to die for you. With Christ you're a new creation. He forgives and you aren't a prisoner to the past. Everyday is a new day with a clean slate. You can't go back into the past and change it so you learn and grow from it.

The past can seem like this darkness hanging over you for everyone to see. You've given it too much power for too long. It's the past. God is your future.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

It's All Worth It

My childhood and life in general has been no walk in the park. Between divorce, abuse, a split family, heart breaks, suicicdal thoughts, and being in the hospital I'm lucky I'm still alive. I re,ever a few months ago all I wanted to do was be in Gods arms in heaven. I was having these "attacks" which were almos unbearable. I remember collapsing on the floor, not being able to move, and wanting so badly to die. I felt the devil whisper into my ear telling me God left me. I believed it. All I could think about was ending it because the pain  was too much. There has been multiple times where I have tried to take my life but honestly I felt God swoop me up and save me.

Things are bad. Really bad. Life is painful and chaotic but this time around I haven't had one suicicdal thought. In New York, last weekend, I had to severe panic attacks and was depressed for a few days. Like I said I will always have depression. I will always have aniexty. I will always have my dark,dark past but it is my choice whether I let it define me. I'm no where near perfect and some, days  I can't fight the depression and I give into it. I waste that day full of opportunities and just lay on the floor. Others days not by my own strength but Gods I get out of bed and live.

With everything that has happened to me I could easily go into severe depression, be anorexic, do drugs, sleep around, cut, be in and out of the hospital, and have no hope. Instead I choose the path less traveled. I won't let my past define my future. With God I'm a new person. The old, abused, self concious Kaitlin is gone. What took her place was a young women of God who is strong and longs to serve God. Honestly a couple of months ago I was I'm a completely different place and was going to end my life. I let things that happened to me and my mental illness define me. Now I'm on the road to recovery with a story to tell. Everyday wake up and decide to Turn Your Tragedy into Triumph. You're with God and will not fail. 

I know things are hard right now. No, that's an understatement. Life is confusing, black, and seems to going in all the wrong places. I know the feeling of numb, nothingness because everything doesn't make sense. You're mind doesn't even want to think of reality so you go on autopilot just going through the motions. I was like this for months. All this hell I've gone through and continue to go through is worth it. I've learned life long lessons, met angels, became stronger as a person and in my faith, change into a completely different person, and have a purpose and calling. This life means little. Our job is to trust God, love others, serve Him, and listen to our calling. Life is messy. It isn't perfect but it prepas us for our true home, Heaven. This life is a blink of an eye. I will do my job and help others discover God then when it is my time see my Daddy in Heaven. Life can be beautiful but you have to choose to see it that way. 

Friday, May 24, 2013

Another Night, Another Depression and Panic Attack

Yes, it happened again. Someone asked me if I beat my depression. I said almost. I am so close and I am getting better but that doesn’t mean I won’t an attack every now and then. I forgot how awful it was to feel depressed. It started with me collapsing on the floor feeling papralyzed. I felt nothing but this feeling of being sucked up by darkness. Then this pain came over me and I began to shake. Here comes another attack. I felt it take over and I lost control. I shoke, I cried, I choked, I felt awful. My mom and God immediately came to my side. As they spoke the old Kaitlin was being pushed away as the new, strong Kaitlin came out. I took control and though it took a lot of eneegry, strength, and time I beat it.

What started it was my past and my chilhoood. So dark, so scary, so painful. But I was reinded of how far I have come. The old Kaitlin would have let that attack take over and allow her to get pushed over the edge. Over the edge I cut my back bite my arms, basically do anything to release the pain. All I could think of back then was killing myself. Instead, i saw the pure light of my loving Father, God. “Times are tough right now. With everything you have gone through it’s normal to have another attack. Don’t feel like you’re degressing. Think ahead of this moment and picture the future you will have with me. Think of the smiling faces of the once depressed teenagers. Think of the loud voices of the once quiet, speechless, and abused teenagers. You will do great things will me. Don’t give up.” said God. So I didn’t. I grit and bear through the pain and now I am here writing this.

Depression and the past is a beast but with God it’s grip on you will completely loosen. If you are going through hell think about how far you have come. Why give up now? Through trials comes triumph! You can and will get through this. Know God loves you and as you’re going through the hell that this corrupt world has created know God is smiling, so proud of you. He has held me through everything and will continue to.

I am coming home this weekend to NYC. Couldn’t be better timing considering all that happening in my life. New York is a place where my dream are right in front of my face. I forget about all the troubles and the past becuase this is my bright future. A future that no one will take away from me. Yes I am in pain but this weekend it will all disapear. I am not letting “him” take any power. For know I am letting go of the pain and enjoy the blessiings God has placed right in front of me. I love you my Daddy in Heaven! Togeher we will get throuhg this. Broadway here I come!

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Night God Spoke To Me(Never Lose Hope)

As I am watching 'Rent'(for those who don't know what this is it's my ma and I's favorite broadway show made into a movie) sitting next to my mom I begin to cry.  I know from Go, that will be me soon. When I graduate I will go to NYU, get on broadway, then open up an organization for depressed and abused teenagers.

This has been a crazy, emotionally draining, long, exhausting, painful, eye opening experience, but I wouldn't change one single thing. All of this has made me the women I am today because of God and all the angels He has put in my life. I want to thank the followers of God and I's blog. You've been apart of this journey as well and seen it all unfold. I am not to the end of my joinery. Life is a journey not a destination. It gets really scary at times but not if you have God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit on your side. Once you've accepted them you're invisible. I am living proof of this. What my father did.... it's truly mind bottling. It breaks my heart, slaps me in the face, keeps me up at night, causes suicidal thoughts but not any more. I won't give that small guy any more power over me. I thought when I finally remembered what he did.. I thought I would go into a deep depression. I have already been there and it's not a place I want to visit but I didn't. I finally how "thrown up" all the toxic sins in my body from Mr. Kwiatkowski. Now I am slowly becoming free. I am not over it yet but I see light at the end of the tunnel. You best believe the ending is always the hardest. Things will get messy and more feelings will come up, but never again will I cut or be suicidal. I can say proudly and with a smile on my face I am 13 days clean from cutting.

Being sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused, or physical abused is painful in more ways then one. It brings the what seems like infinite darkness into your life. You feel like it's your fault. You feel as if you deserved it. You feel wrong, guilty, worthless, unloved, and uncared for. All these thoughts ran through my head. I felt like no one would love me so I decided not to eat and attempt to be anorexic. It worked sadly. I would count every calories. I would eat something then spit it out. It was the only thing I felt I had control over. Then I was in a relationship and was insecure. I was attached to him until May 8, 2013. My life is getting on the right track. Just like you I had no hope but then God reached His hand out to me. The life or death choice is "Will you take it?"

Know this, it isn't your fault. Whoever was abusing is sick in the head and doesn't know how to love. How could I go on and face people when my one father didn't love me. Hell, now he hates me. Does it hurt? A little but I am loved by God, the King of kings, the Savior, the Redeemer, and your true Father who sees you as His princess. You will get through this. Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Holding On But Slipping

I put everything out there. I mean my life is an open book and my deepest darkest secrets are here for anyone to see. It's hard, painful, and embarrassing writing all of this. I don't write anything for attention, sympathy, or to get revenge. I write because in all 15 years of my life I have never had a voice; however, the real reason I write is to be the voices of others. Life is full of demonds and sin. I am here to let anyone( people with depression, people with anexiy, anyone with a mental illness, or anyone who has been abused) you aren't alone and you're not a freak. I would be lying if I didn't say I look in the mirror and see a freak, a monster looking back at me.

I spent the entire morning thinking back to my life. It has been hell. I blocked out most of my childhood. The only memories I remember are abusive, dark, sick ones. I don't remember happy times or vacations with my family. I don't even remember the first time I went to Disney World. That is suppose to be so magical.. I wouldn't know the feeling. See the abuse didn't even hurt. I don't just mean physically but also emotionally and mentally. You know when you have a terrible accident and you broke your arm or cut your leg and you don't remember the feeling of when you got it but you are in severe pain. You're left with the injury, the pain, and no memory of what happened. That's what happened to me. My abuse lasted 15 years now I am left with all the scars and pain. The aftermath all started in September and I left my dad to live with my mom. The pain attacks came with depression and suicidal thoughts. 

Right now my life is bittersweet. The good news is I see light at the end of the tunnel. Something I haven't seen and it's beautiful. I've been waiting for this and holding on to this view and while it's close it's also so far. This is the most painful part. All the memories are here. I no longer have a relationship  with my father and I will never. I know you're reading this Mr. Kwiatkowski and know this. You took my child and innocence away. You're so sick and I couldn't be more angry at you. I am not thanking for what you've but rather what God's done. Because of all the hell you've put me through I have been a strong, independent, young women on God. Once I work through through the scars you left, I will not spend one minute thinking about you. I don't see you as my father and never will. It's sad you won't to see the strong person I have become to be. I have so many dreams that I will make come true. You won't be there when I open my organization for depressed and abused teenagers. You won't walk e down the isle. You won't get to hold my newborn. Know the daughter you raised turned into a kick ass young women who is loving and determined. My great charter is no thanks to you but my beautiful mother and God who has changed me. I hated the person you raised me to be. She is sick, mean, sexual, crude, judgmental, rasist, arrogant, and ignorant. That girl is dead and a young women of Christ took her place. I will no longer let you hurt me and NO more tears will be shed. 

My father sexually, verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me. I used to hate talking to people but I felt dirty around them. Who wants to talk to someone whose father took advantage of her and sexually abused her. Then I realized that girl isn't me anymore. She is long gone. I will get through this and thrive all thanks to God. My ugly, dark past has made me who I am today. I hated the old me you, Mr. Kwiatkowski made me to be but I love the new Kaitlin Kwiatkowski who my mom, consoler, teacher, voice teacher,best friend, and God have shaped me to be.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

The Journey of A Survivor

Well you have read it all. You have taken this journey with me and for that I thank you. I thank everyone who is supporting me. It was started with a girl coming from what she thought was a normal family. That 12 year old girl started to open her eyes and see what's really going. The second she moved out of that man of my mother was married to's house that when reality hit hard. I was diagnosed with depression. I went through these unexplainable "attacks". We later found out they were panic attacks and their severity was due to my father's abuse which I didn't realize I was even a victim. I still thought my father was super dad. Now I know that couldn't be further from the truth.

The attacks increased, the demonds came with a depression, and the suicidal thoughts came out. I was hospitalized and thought I hit rock bottom... not the case. Then I was diagnosed with not only depression but aniexty, post traumatic stress syndrome, and panic disorder. After a short amount of time I realized I was physically abused, emotionally abused, and verbally abuse. Meanwhile I was struggling to have some type of relationship with my father. This journey has all been one big storm. I am finally at the peak of it when I found out I was sexually abused from my memory coming back. Now I am currently confused, exhausted, scared, angry and most of all I feel dirty. It's hard to call this person my father.

If I didn't have God in my life I know for a fact I would be a mess or dead. I would be a drug addict, partying non stop, drinking my life away, or sleeping around. Instead I am a survivor and a child of The Lord. Now the pain is still there. Now ever since I was a child no one payed attention to me. Everyone was walking on egg shells trying to please my father and try not to anger him. No one cared. I was alone and went on autopilot until I was 14 and moved out of my father's house and found God. See my father never loved me. He only saw me as a sex object. Not a 5 year old innocent girl who was his daughter. I was and I still am nothing to him.

I could let that fact eat me alive but I know I have a heavenly father who loves me dearly and perfectly. To have your own father take advantage of you like that.... I went through my whole life feeling like a dirty freak. Even though I was numb to all the pain because it's so intense I know I am veering to the end of the storm and I am a stronger Christian because of it. I tired to sit down and write how my past and abuse made me feel but I felt nothing. I am seeing this as a sign from God to rest. For the next two weeks I will not give the monster any power over me. I will live me life serving God and try my best not to cry over that scum and his terrible sins toward me. I have the control now and I chose to live my life the way God intended it to be.

Monday, May 13, 2013

When You Feel Like Giving Up

It's hard to even begin to describe my feelings. Pain, guilt, embarrassment, worthless, unloved. All I want to do is run and hide, but that would once again give him the power over me. After a 3 hour long therapy session I remembered and we revealed unspeakable things. I have been abused every single way possible. After we reveled the whole and honest truth I felt like throwing up. This is something I have to live with everyday. It's hard to face the world and people in general. I am far from normal and cry because that's all I want to be. My aunt said the most comforting thing to me. "There is no such thing as normal. Everyone has their own situations and problems." It made me think. God designed us differently. Every single one of us.. so what's normal? Well first off it's all bull. We all have different crosses to bear. So that was nice to hear but that didn't even begin to heal my giant, gaping wound. Today I didn't even think about dying. That is one of the most amazing sentence I have written and said out loud. I will never lose hope because once that's gone it's a downward spiral that I have been down too many times.

See I feel like when I walk around school or in a public place I feel like all people see is my wound. They only see how monsterous my dad is, how sick I was, my dark past. I was and still am mortified. But I am writing this so I can wake up and read this everyday. While it takes everyone ounce of my being to get out of bed this will bring hope into the begin of a day with endless possibilities.

"I am strong. I made it through hell. I made it through the sexual, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. I am a survivor. My joinery isn't over but I am now safe and I can heal. It is painful and while living in the present can be wonderful it can also kill. When I am totally forget about my father, hurt, and past I tell myself to take a deep breath, thank God, and soak up every second. Well when a day like today rolls around and you feel like dying, choking, throwing up, and whatever else I think about my future. I will use all of this suffering and change it into something amazing. God is with me EVERY step of the way. I don't think of that man who lived in my house as my 'father'. I only see God as my father. He is your father too. He is perfect, loves you no matter what, never leaves you, and will never let you down. He gives the hardest battle to His strongest soldiers. I have said repeatedly that I am going to open up a organization to help depressed or abused teenagers. I am going through this hell so another little girl who isn't as strong doesn't have to. Finally, I think of how strong I will be when this is all done. Think to that moment when you are older and healthy. You will look back at the darkness which is dar away, smile, and say "I survived".

The hell I won't through with my ex literally brought my heart into a million pieces. I didn't understand why God would let that happen but now I understand. He could never be with me. I am too much for him. By us breaking up God protected Him and taught me how to be strong, independent, and only rely on Him. Also, my father is a version of Satan himself. Why was he my parent? I still don't know but I trust God 100%. Yes, they are days when I feel like I can't go on any longer but God pulls me through. I have gone through too much to give up now. The end is in sight. I will never give up. With God you can it through anything.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Surviving The Aftermath of Abuse

It's hard to say what's worse... being abused.... or the emotions after you've been abused. Don't get me wrong, being abuse is a personal hell here on Earth and truly a work on Satan; however, when you have escaped your abuser and are safe, you're left with all these raw, confusing emotions. You're left without physical and mental scars. You're left with panic attack, insomnia, lowered self-confidence, fear, suicidal thoughts, and feelings you can't even describe. This isn't a post telling you to do this, this, and this and you will beat these feelings. I still live with these. All I am here to say is you aren't alone in these scary feelings and there are a few things that can pull you through.

Confusion. That's my life right now. Fear of the unknown. Everyday to wake up and face the world is a struggle. When you are sexually abused the safest thing is to turn all the blame onto yourself. Yourself can smack you across the face like your abuser can. So that's what I have done. It's wrong and I am working through it. I remember telling my mom things like, "I can never be with a guy because I am dirty, guilty, and what guy wants to be with a girl whose father sexually abused her." or "I should have stopped him, it's my fault." The worst one is "I was asking for it." All of these comments seem so true to me but deep down I know they couldn't be any further from the truth. First off the abuse started around 6. What six year old "asks for it"? I guess for me it's easier to blame myself then think of my father as a sick person. It would make more sense if something was wrong with me but deep down I know there isn't anything wrong. The scary questions we don't ask ourselves(and these questions don't just apply for sexual abuse but abuse of any kind) why did they do that to me, I thought they loved me I mean it is my own parent? It's scary to know the parent that raised you and you thought loved you so much could hurt you in the worst way possible.

Another thing I know is true deep down. I couldn't stop him! I thought was normal. That was my life so when I was young I didn't know what was going on and if it was right or wrong. But now I am being strong and doing something about it. I am giving the six year old me a voice and I won't be silenced. I am also giving anyone AT ALL who has been abused a voice. What happened to you wasn't okay and no matter the circumstance, you didn't deserve that. You have a right to stand up for yourself.

The final thing was guys.... well actually people in general. I hate walking around feeling dirty. I hate thinking everyone sees me as a freak. The worst is when I look in the mirror and see a freak looking back at me. Luckily one day I know I will look in that mirror and not see a victim of abuse but a strong, bad ass survivor. God will send the right man into my life who will come to know everything about me and still love me.

Right now very little in my life makes sense, but there are a few statements and truths I hold on to that allow me to go on with my life. I know God loves me no matter what has happened. Just because this happened to me doesn't mean God hates me. He didn't make this happen to me but rather allowed this to happen because He knew I was strong enough to handle it. I thank God for my past because it has given me a future. After moving to New York City, being on broadway, and just living I will open up an organization for depressed teens and abused teens to help them find hope and God. Everyday, the only reason I can wake up, is because I know everything will be okay one day. God has great plans for me and loves me. I will work through all of this and be stronger because of it. God loves me, that's all I need to know.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Trying To Be Confident In Highschool

It makes me so angry and sad to see people judging everyone that walks by. I feel like the nature of a teenager is to be insecure. Well if you live with a dysfunctional family, dark past, or mental illness the insecurity you feel will sky rocket. In 8th grade I was the most insecure girl ever. I would do anything to fit in. I wanted to go to all the football games, talk to the right people, say the rights things, and my looks were the most important thing to me. Then I found God and I realized I was loved for just being myself. For being Kaitlin who cries, who has the weirdest laugh, who dresses differently, who loves everyone and wants to tell the whole worth how she loves them, and who talks in weird, random voices. That's me and I hated myself for being that way. I hated how affectionate I was to anyone. If I could hug everyone I see... no doubt I was. I hated my cackling laugh. I hated my boxy body, but now all of the things I hated are now things I love about myself.

I would be lying to say I don't get insecure sometimes because I do! At times I get scared and clingy, or at times I will catch myself trying to fit in. I found myself walking into a new group of people and going back to my old ways. I gossiped and did whatever I could to fit in. I was and I am so mad at myself. I realized today I don't need to fit in. We were all made differently, specially, and uniquely so why are we all trying to fit this unrealistic mold the society has created. Honestly, I am 5'2, 125 lbs, I love kittens, I am super emotional, I love hugs and kisses, I am not afraid to be honest and upfront with you, and I love to make a fool of myself. I am slowly learning to let go and be me.

I am thankful for my problems because it's opened my eyes and helped me realize the world is so much bigger then high school. None of the 'he said, she said' matters in a couple of years. If you were popular in high school and got a ton of likes on your pictures, great. Wanna a cookie? In college it won't matter. So stop worrying about how he doesn't like you. Screw him God has a better guy picked out for you. Don't worry about not being able to slow dance at prom because you will be able to slow dance at your wedding with your prince charming. I am not saying this is an easy task but high school is great and freeing when you don't care! God loves you for you! He gave you special qualities for a reason. Embrace your differences and stand proud. I am working on not caring what people say about mw and not beating myself up for being me. Yeah I can be crazy at times but that's okay. I am human.

Never judge someone because you have no idea what they are going through. I know many people don't realize how much I go through on a daily basis with everything. Don't be that person whose comment just pushes someone over the edge. We are all God's children, let's love each other. In the end we will be old, wrinkly, and grey which is awesome because that means youve lived a long life. What do you want people to remember you by? When you are laying on your death bed the amount of instagram likes won't matter. What will matter is your loving friends and family around you and your relationship with God.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A GIrl's Journey of Getting Over Her Heartbreak

Every day I woke up in excruciating pain. I have been through a wildness for over a year that no one will ever understand. We all have our own stores and heart breaks. This is mine.

My joinery through the wilderness has included heartbreak, rejection, pain, suffering, and loneliness. The loneliness that a girl feels when she doesn't have a father is like a pain of no other. I have been called clingy, needy, and crazy. Well when you've been abused for all of your life by the man every girl is suppose to look up to have can you not be needy? You have never experienced a man's love. It makes me sick when people judge others without understanding their situation.

I have been through it all.  I have hit rock bottom more then once. Sadly, I am at rock bottom once again. The only prayer I can say is, "God I am so broken. Please don't let go of me despite my feelings towards you." Every time I think of a dad I think of a dad and his daughter tossing a baseball back and forth. You know I've never been daddy's little girl. Then I found God. My faith journey hasn't been perfect. There has been ups and downs and currently I am experiencing a down. I won't give up on God but I'm so hurt and confused. I know through my wilderness God is teaching me life long lessons. One lessons has come through suffering and crying myself to sleep.

In the midst of all of the craziness with my father I thought I found a prince charming. A guy can actually be nice.... and care about me. This what so new and one of the best feelings. Any girl who doesn't have a father knows there's a huge void of needed to be loved. That was being filled for a while. Sometimes I wish we had never crossed paths, but I know God put him in my life.

So I will give you a girl who has been through abuse and fatherless.. I will give you her point of view on a classic high school heart break. Now this poor kid had no idea what he was getting himself into when he met me. I wish I could go back to the moment we met and tell him to run for the hills but he didn't. This was not a normal high school relationship. This meant so much more to this girl. She had never felt protected and always was scared, but when he held her she felt like nothing in the world could hurt her. Just as things were amazing she thought it was too good to be true. If every guy in her life hurt her then why wouldn't her boyfriend.

Ended out of fear was one of her biggest mistakes. 4 months later she still cries herself to sleep. I know it seems pathetic, and maybe it is, but realizing how much your father hates you eats you alive. All you want is for that one person to care about you. The worst was letting him in completely and trusting him. To tell him everything about you, things you have never ever told anyone before. Like I said, poor kid. Like any normal boy he moved on to another girl. If I was a normal teenager and had a great childhood I would have moved on as well. Not the case. It's fair to say I got my father and my ex mixed together. I took all my anger out on him because I knew he wouldn't hit me in return.

Those stupid, long paragraphs texts. I wish I could take everyone back. He deserved to be happy. No one should have to deal with me. All I wanted was him to understand. One of the best feelings is to have someone know everything about you, yet still love you. It obvious the men in my life as missing in action. It is going to be so hard but I will work so hard to move on. I need to get independent. See every time things got really bad with my family or depression I ran to him hoping he could fix it. It's not possible a high school boy would know what to say. I apologize for everything.

I will not give into the temptation of texting him and letting him be. I will work on getting better with my relationship with God. Being the crazy ex girlfriend sucks, but I know I will look back on this and laugh. There will still be nights when I think of the awful things my father did but instead of turning to my phone I will pray. Being hurt by someone you love with all of your heart is the worst feeling.